First of all, I`m not all sure about this (never really got into this stuff, for I`ve never come near to publishing yet), but I seem to remember that agencies don`t look kindly on work that`s already been published, even in a piece-meal fashion (doesn`t matter wether it was in a non-profit way). So best look those issues up before continuing posting (if you`re serious about this).
Secondly, you need to establish what kinda style you wanna write your book in, and what your intent`ll be. Right now, it reads like a bit of a diary, which is cool in short passages, but it tends to get exhausting if this style is prolonged (exceptions exist). It may be fitting if you wanna make it really real, real obvious - if you wanna write a novel though, you might think about working on your style and include descriptions of people, places, siutations, etc... which`ll make the read more vivid and interesting.
EDIT: There`s also some irregularities in the content and writing, even in this short piece, like:
He/you patiently waits but it feels like an eternity? Kinda contradicts itself.
Furthermore, I wouldn`t use as many brackets as you do (they are seldomly used in prose). Instead of using brackets, you could put these informations in subordinate clauses, which would also improve your style.