I told myself when I went to medic school 2 years ago it was the last career I'd ever have. I'd work in this until I couldn't, physically. I didn't get into EMS until later in life, after a full career doing something meaningless and pale by comparison. I asked myself if I was ready to sit in the big chair (the captains seat) in back, instead of driving the ambulance. I had 4 years as an EMT with both a volunteer service and a pretty casual and un-rigid service and I thought I was ready. I had no idea.
Oh, it's not the patients that die, or get messy or combative. IT's not the 4 year old that drowned or the baby that bled to death or the old lady afraid of dialysis who didn't go and coded in front of her family. It's the fact that I opened myself up to get better, made myself vulnerable by getting a new job at a new service with a higher standard. I actually told them I learned all these great skills in medic school I wasn't using and I wanted to be better. Apparently at this service the accepted method of instruction is to berate, humiliate, and pick apart any mistake, comment or way of doing that is different. I don't know how it started or when or if they even notice, but I just spent yet another end of shift listening to what a lousy medic I must be for making a mistake. I've had to defend my use of tape on an IV over a "toilet bowl", and when I asked how they want things done, I get a weak, well what do YOU think? followed by a session of why I was wrong. I know things are different at different places, but isn't it easier and simpler to just say what you want rather than tell you to do it the way you want and then tear you apart for it? It's not a protocols thing but the way in which not doing everything perfectly gets handled. And God forbid I actually made a mistake, which I did, and felt terrible and apologized repeatedly but it only made it worse and pretty much my whole existence as a medic and future was placed in question. I don't understand why this EMS agency seems to eat their young, so to speak, to be rude and hurtful to co workers without a thought and endlessly complain about each other behind their backs. It's also how our boss treats some of us. I'm starting to think it's a bad fit, but the problem is I know I'll be better for being here because they do have higher standards, better protocols, more challenging medical calls, but I don't know if I can handle much more in the thoughtless manner of "correction". Is this the best way to inspire an employee to improve themselves or is it just the way things are in EMS? I'd really like to know so I can decide if I should just swim back into the shallow end of the pool and give up trying to be better. I hate the fact that I can take anything from patients but my co workers are driving me to tears. I feel like they'd throw me under the bus without a thought. I need some advice.