Happiness

If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting? Can you cry under water? How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered? Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'.. but it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to? Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity? Why does a round pizza come in a square box? What disease did cured ham actually have? How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage? Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours? If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing? Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV? Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground? Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway... Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural? 2 tits......one butt ! Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat? If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him? If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat? Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs! If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner? If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from? If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune? Why did you just try singing the two songs above? (Yes I did this one) Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt? Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window? Why, Why, Why Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead? Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money? Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet? Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection? Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him? Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets? Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'? If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes? Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white? Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale? Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized? Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance? Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try? How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures? When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?' Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over? In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat? How come you never hear father-in-law jokes? And my FAVORITE......... The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons are suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then think about it, it may be you. Yep they're okay so it must be me

The Guys' Rules At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down Finally , the guys' side of the story. (I must admit, it's pretty good.) We always hear " the rules" From the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note.. these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE! 1. Men are NOT mind readers. 1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down. 1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. 1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way. 1. Crying is blackmail. 1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it! 1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. 1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. 1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem. See a doctor. 1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days. 1. If you won't dress like the Victoria 's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys. 1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. 1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one 1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself. 1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials 1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we. 1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is. 1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that. 1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle. 1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear. 1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really . 1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as SEX, CARS, the shotgun formation, or NASCAR . 1. You have enough clothes. 1. You have too many shoes. 1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape! 1. Farting and belching are not sins. That's why the good Lord gave us all a farter and a belcher . Guys use them the way they were intended: as pressure relief valves...some more than others 1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping. Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh. Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a bigger laugh I have seen this somewhere before , I might have posted this here before but I think there are some new rules (typical men always changing the rules) Enjoy Happiness

I saw this in a hospital gift shop "All mommy wanted was a back rub"

OMG Dwayne its so funny how your penis gets into every conversation lmao, but I totaly agree with the above statement... Im in the reverse situation as Im the girl and the EMT. My husband has on many occations said Give me sex and I will be happy. I have on many occations taken him up on this and to tell you the truth it works on so many levels... But funny thing My hosemonkey husband did two shift driving for me in the same day and saw what I really go through in a day of being an EMT. I dont know you are able to take your GF to drive 3rd with one night but it would open her eyes on the stuff you have to deal with on a daily basis. Good luck with this but to tell you the truth if you were a lawyer you would be going through the same sort of stuff.

Oh for the Scottish... The First Christmas Joke - and it's Scottish.......... A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, "I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough". "Dad, what are you talking about?'" the son screams. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer", the father says.. "We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her". Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like hell they're getting divorced", she shouts, "I'll take care of this". She calls Scotland immediately and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?"and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Done! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way."

OK I dont know wtf is going on in my world but everytime some new funky topic comes up here I seem to get it. We didnt have a crew but I told dispatch I would respond to a code 3 and my ff husband would be my driver (Big Mistake on so many levels) 19 year old (called code 3 for a fall out of a bunk in cells). Get there are and the RCMP are looking at me funny as they said it was abd pain that they said. hummmm I will have to look into that one. Get into cells and sure enough there is my pt drunk, stoned on something deny's everything. It hurts where they took out my apendix, really now thats the wrong side then comes out "OHHHHHH my left nut hurts", Ok well since your pants are off your ass and your hand is down your pants please explain to me what happened. He dosn't know (surprise) this pain just started to happen (Hummmmm it dosnt have anything to do with the fact your going to jail does it). Did the vitals everything is fine now from experience if your in extreme pain your BP will be elevated to some degree, did a verbal exam for example so since YOU already have your hands on your testical can you tell me if it is bigger than your right testical. Ohhhhh ya it's 10 times bigger than the other one. Hummmm I can see your testicals through your undies and nope its not 10 time bigger than the other one. Ok pal can you walk to my stretcher Up he gets and hops on not even a squeek of pain.......Now if a man's testie is in pain wouldn't he be doubled over or gimpy in some sort of way? So I did vote today on this topic and I said NOOOOOOOOOO to expose (in this case anyways) PS When I called Dispatch back, I said to HIM you know apperently your idea of code 3 is way different than mine and HIS response was "Did you cut and expose" have a happy day

hehehe called 4 back up was he worried about the reload lol mike it could happen lmao

Suicide or attempted suicide is one of the hardest calls you will ever have to do. You are trained to save a life and when you are doing it to someone who is trying to end it, it makes your brain hurt. I have made it a policy not to go to a suicides funerals. 20 yr old male who had just broke up with his gf, lost his job and was into the drug scene decided to hang himself in front of his parents back deck glass doors. Dad gets up to get his coffee and see's his son hanging there. So my first emotional response was WTF and I was real angry at the kid (please remember I live in a small town and this kid had grown up with mine). My second response came after we had made sure our new pts (the parents and other family member) were taken care of and the RCMP had completed their investigation and we had taken the boy to the morgue. I was very sad that this young man for 2 weeks had been trying to reach out to his family and friends for help, and no one saw the red flags. Now hindsight is a beautiful thing, he had told his parents that he wanted to end it all, his ex-girlfriend and other people in the community. Why did he fall through the cracks has always weighed heavily in my mind as he was deep down a very polite, and a good kid who had made some bad choices. He also didnt have a hx of attempts so this was a commplete shock to everyone envolved. There are many other aspects to this call that I could go into but I wanted you to know that this is the only call that I have actually shed tears on the scene. I did attend the funeral only because the ex-gf asked me to be there for support for her, and for what ever reason our community came together for his service and made that a wake up call for us all. Now we have workshops about every six months the everyone is welcome to go to for suicide prevention. Ugly I kind of went on just so you know there are always going to be those calls that make you cry, angry and just plain go against your own morals. We all have them and we will continue to have them but in the end we end up learning things about our own nature that we may not thought we had. After this call I went to the beach and cried my eyes out, then went and found my bestest friend in world and let it all out. If you have someone to vent to you should do it as in the end it will make you feel better. Hope this helps a bit Happy

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Oh crap, sorry Dwyane I forgot It was a private picture, I promis it wont happen again

If I feel that I have to expose, I guess I will do it (havent had to so far) So one incident we had here (they went to the hospital themselves) was a dog bite in the nono`s. 32yr old female petting pitbull, wham dog bit her. Now in that case Im pretty sure I would have to expose the injured site, but I would ask first and if they said no please dont then I wouldn`t.... this is really a tough call and Im on the fence with it. If it was a male pt and my partner was male I think it would appropriate to ask him to do the call and vice versa if it is a female. When Im on with our one and only male medic if it is a girly related call I will do it. Maternity also kind of puts a wrench it the senerio because if you dont look you could end up in all kinds of trouble. I cant even vote on this one

Motivational Message This little animal is called the Naked Mole Rat and is from North Africa . So if you are having a bad day and feeling sorry for yourself, remember: It could be worse, you could look like an old penis with buck teeth.

ALL GIRL BIKER BAR An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?' The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair,Given that you are blind, that you should know five things: 1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. 2. The bouncer is a blonde girl. 3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate. 4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter. 5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?' The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.' heheheheheheheheh I do luv a good blond joke

Your a paramedic, I have the same things in my purse, I mean the general public.

Funniest was drunk that jumped off the roof into a kiddie pool full of jello.....

The reason (explained to me)for the changes with ventilations in CPR is mostly to make easier for the lay person (public)to do CPR. They panic and by not doing the vents they can concentrate on chest compressions. If you look at chest compression and the heart the same as an old fashion water pump you will see the following. When you start pumping on the old water pump it takes a few pumps to get the water flowing nicely and when you stop pumping it stops instantly. Then you start pumping again it take again a few pumps to get it flowing nicely again. It is the same with the heart if you stop pumping to assit with vents you are going to have to reprime the heart. The object of CPR is to keep the blood flowing as consistanly as possible. When you are doing chest compressions you are creating enough force to make the lungs both inhale and exhale enough 02 to sustain life until you are able to administer life saving drugs or get your pt to a higher level of care. Now that is not to say if you have help not to use the BVM but it is not the priority that it use to be. Also in the public world generally (unless your a wacker)you are not carring any pocket masks or other devices that protect you from diseases.

OK but it says "everyone will always drive 5 mph over the speed limit" so to me it says that the speed limit will always be set to make revenue no matter what it is, safe or not.

The Rules just changed to NOT to stop compression until your AED is analyzing or going to shock. PCP you have to follow the rules of your organization. There is a forum on the new rules but I was unable to find it.

When your placing the steth in your ears make the rubber part bend forward in your ears and not directly in the canal. Hope this makes sense. And make sure the steth is turned on.....

Ok I read this and it still does not explain to me how revenue is going to be made by setting speed limits. All of us getting drivers licenses we are taught to drive to the conditions of the road. That is your first priority regardless of what you are legally allowed to do through policy. I agree just because you can dosnt mean you should..... I have always been under the impression the L&S are more to inform the other drivers to get out of your way not nessarily to be able to go faster... As for the math the formulas is Rate=Distance/Time. So unless we have the actual distance which I havent seen as Dwayne says so nicely it is going to drive you BAT SHIT...........

Well I havnt a clue how you get the speed limits are set to generate revenue....please explain

In BC you are allowed 25km above the posted speed limit. As a few other posters have mentioned, if I am told my call is code 3 I go to the scene L&S but 9/10 times I will be going to the hospital with out. There are very few times I have returned L&S. If the call is 4am and there is no traffic on the roads here, rarely do we wake up everyone in town (even though I am of the mind set If I'm awake every one is awake). L&S are great on the highway if you are surrounded by deer in the off season (Deer are never on the road during hunting season hummmm maybe smarter than we give them credit for). Since I dont work in a city centre but have seen the grid lock in my travels I'm not sure if that would help as you cant get them out of your way anyways, and like someone said who the hell wants to listen to that noise for 1/2 hour or more.