windsong

Did You Know... If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it.) If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it!) The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. (O.M.G.!) A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (wow) oink oink A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.) (I'm still not over the pig.) Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Do not try this at home. Maybe at work.) The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. ("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!") The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes... lucky pig. can you imagine??) The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?) Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still want to be a pig ...quality over quantity) Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know) Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people. (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?) Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump (OK, so that would be a good thing....................right) A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder who was paid to figure that out?) An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.) Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that too.) Polar bears are left-handed. (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.) Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig??You can't tell me 30 minutes isnt pleasure.) Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle)...in other words send it to everyone

Why Women Are Crabby............... We started to "bud" in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to find that anything that came in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurt so bad it brought us to tears. So came the ridiculously uncomfortable training bra contraption that the boys in school would snap until we had calluses on our backs. Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner). Along with those budding boobs, we bloated, we cramped, we got the hormone crankies, had to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn't even know we had. Our next little rite of passage (premarital or not) was having sex for the first time which was about as much fun as having a ramrod push your uterus through your nostrils (IF he did it right and didn't end up with his little cart before his horse), leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about. Then it' was off to Motherhood where we learned to live on dry crackers and water for a few months so we didn't spend the entire day leaning over Brother John. Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and we are), we learned to live with the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder if we were preparing to have Rosemary's Baby. Our once flat bellies looked like we swallowed a watermelon whole and we pee'd our pants every time we sneezed. When the big moment arrived, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions invariably burst right in the middle of the mall and we had to waddle, with our big cartoon feet, moaning in pain all the way to the ER. Then it was huff and puff and beg to die while the OB says, "Please stop screaming, Mrs. Hearmeroar. Calm down and push. Just one more good push (more like 10)," warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch the %*#!* (and hubby) square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed 10lb bowling ball through a keyhole. After that, it was time to raise those angels only to find that when all that "cute" wears off, the beautiful little darlings morphed into walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking little poop machines. Then come their "Teen Years." Need I say more? When the kids are almost grown, we women hit our voracious sexual prime in our early 40's - while hubby had his somewhere around his 18th birthday. So we progress into the grand finale: "The Menopause," the Grandmother of all womanhood. It's either take HRT and chance cancer in those now seasoned "buds" or the aforementioned Nether Regions, or, sweat like a hog in July, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the head off anything that moves. Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men, when men get off so easy, INCLUDING the icing on life's cake: Being able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks... So, while I love being a woman, "Womanhood" would make the Great Gandhi a tad crabby. Women are the "weaker sex"? Yeah right. Bite me.

A bit 'o funnie for ya's....LOL! Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says [no, really?] Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers [now that's taking things a bit far!] Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over [what a guy!] Miners Refuse to Work after Death [good-for-nothin' lazy so-and-sos!] Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant [see if that works any better than a fair trial!] War Dims Hope for Peace [i can see where it might have that effect!] If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile [you think?!] Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures [who would have thought!] Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide [they may be on to something!] Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges [you mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!] Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge [he probably IS the battery charge!] New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group [weren't they fat enough?!] Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft [That's what he gets for eating those beans!] Kids Make Nutritious Snacks [Taste like chicken?] Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half [Chainsaw Massacre all over again!] Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors [boy, are they tall!] And the winner is.... Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead Did I read that right?

All of these are legitimate companies that didn't spend quite enough time considering how their online names might appear...and be misread. 1. Who Represents is where you can find the name of the agent that represents any celebrity. Their Web site is; www.whorepresents.com 2. Experts Exchange is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at; www.expertsexchange.com 3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at; www.penisland.net 4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at; www.therapistfinder.com 5. There's the Italian Power Generator company; www.powergenitalia.com 6. And don't forget the Mole Station Native Nursery in New South Wales, www.molestationnursery.com 7. If you're looking for IP computer software, there's always; www.ipanywhere.com 8. The First Cumming Methodist Church Web site is; www.cummingfirst.com 9. And the designers at Speed of Art await you at their wacky Web site www.speedofart.com

Purina Dog Food Diet I used to have a Labrador retriever & I was buying a large bag of Purina dog food at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Dog Food Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy who was behind her. Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned. I told her no, I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me. I thought the tall guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Peds vs. Adult I saw a woman who was 24 yrs of age, had their fore arm taped to a board, kinda like what you would see a peds would have. Why would they do this? She seemed to a point not a risk to pulling it out, perse.

PLEASE NOTE. . .THESE ARE ALL NUMBERED "1" ON PURPOSE. 1. Breasts are for looking at and that why we do it. Dont try to change that. 1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You dont hear us complaining about you leaving it down. 1.Saturday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. 1. Shopping is Not a sport and no, we are never going to think of it that way. 1. Crying blackmail. 1.Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one. 1.Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it! 1. 'Yes' and 'No' are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. 1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. 1. A headache that lessons for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. 1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null & void after 7 days. 1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Dont ask us. 1.If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one. 1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done, not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself. 1.Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials. 1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we. 1. All men see in only 16 colours, like windows default settings. Peach for example, is a fruit not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is. 1. If it itches, it will be scratched, we do that. 1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle. 1.If you ask a question you dont want an answer to, expect an answer you dont want to hear. 1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine, really. 1. I am in shape. Round is a shape. 1. If walking around in the nude offends you, why do you and I sleep in the nude after having sex just minutes before. 1. So my underwear is thrown over the chair or my stock pile of dirty underwear is in the corner, dont worry I'll pick it up when I get time. I dont need a maid, really. (gee what is married life, it is when your wife picks up after you). Thankyou for reading this; Yes I know I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know, men really dont mind that, it's really like camping.

THINGS THAT HALLMARK CARDS DON'T SAY My tire was thumping. I thought it was flat When I looked at the tire... I noticed your cat. Sorry! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Heard your wife left you, How upset you must be. But don't fret about it... She moved in with me ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder... "What the hell was I thinking?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your husband. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ How could two people as beautiful as you Have such an ugly baby? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you .. I've changed my mind. -------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------------------------- I must admit, you brought Religion into my life. I never believed in Hell until I met you. ////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am... That you're not here to ruin it for me. #################################################### Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go... Would you like to take this knife out of my back? You'll probably need it again. ******************************************************************************** Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad! (Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky & West Virginia) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Happy birthday! You look great for your age. Almost Lifelike! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise. ////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// We have been friends for a very long time .. let's say we stop? +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ I'm so miserable without you it's almost like you're here. ===================================================== Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was? %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday. So we're having you put to sleep. )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) )))))))))))))))) S o your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day. Look at the bright side, it's really good pay. $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Heathrow Airport in England: A 300-foot red carpet was stretched out to Air Force One and President Bush Strode to a warm but dignified handshake from Queen Elizabeth II. They rode in a silver 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they Boarded an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent white horses. As they rode toward Buckingham Palace, each looking to their side and waving To the thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets, all was going well. This was indeed a glorious display of pageantry and dignity. Suddenly the scene was shattered when the right rear horse let rip the most Horrendous, Earth-shattering, eye-smarting fart and the coach immediately filled with Noxious fumes. Uncomfortable but maintaining control, the two dignitaries did their best to Ignore the whole incident, but then the Queen decided that was a ridiculous Manner with which to handle a most embarrassing situation. She turned to Mr. Bush and explained, "Mr. President, please accept my Regrets. I'm sure you understand that there are some things even a Queen cannot control". George W., ever the Texas gentleman, replied, "Your Majesty, please don't give the matter another thought. You know, if you hadn't said something I would have assumed it was one of the horses.

THE RABBIT A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry. A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong. "I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it." The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight. The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?" The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says... "Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, adds permanent wave."

Please send to your favorite MOMs AND those who love to laugh.. yall know me.. if it makes ya laugh, then ya've had ur meds today!....it will make their day Why God made moms" answers given by elementary school age children to the following questions: Why did God make mothers? 1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is. 2. Mostly to clean the house. 3. To help us out of there when we were getting born. How did God make mothers? 1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us. 2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring. 3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts. What ingredients are mothers made of? 1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean. 2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think. Why did God give you your mother and not some other Mom? 1. We're related. 2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me. What kind of little girl was your Mom? 1. My Mom has always been my Mom and none of that other stuff. 2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy. 3. They say she used to be nice. What did Mom need to know about dad before she married him? 1. His last name. 2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer? 3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores? Why did your Mom marry your dad? 1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot. 2. She got too old to do anything else with him. 3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on. Who's the boss at your house? 1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball. 2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed. 3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad. What's the difference between moms and dads? 1. Moms work at work & work at home, & dads just go to work at work. 2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them. 3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's. 4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine. What does your Mom do in her spare time? 1. Mothers don't do spare time. 2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long. What would it take to make your Mom perfect? 1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery. 2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue. If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be? 1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that. 2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me. 3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on her back. ============================= THE MOMMY TEST I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that. "Why?" my daughter asked. "Because it's been laying outside, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty and probably has germs" I replied. At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Wow! How do you know all this stuff?" "Uh," ...I was thinking quickly, " All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy." We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information. "OH...I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test you have to be the daddy." "Exactly" I replied back with a big smile on my face and joy in my heart. When you're finished laughing, send this on. ==================== Too cute! "Dear Lord," the preacher began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, "without you we are but dust..." He would have continued, but at that moment one very obedient little girl (who was listening carefully) leaned over to her mother and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mommy, WHAT is butt dust?" Church was pretty much over at that point...

Feng Shui horoscope. Take just a couple of minutes to take this test & see what happens! If you are honest this tells the truth--it's pretty good. Write your answers on a piece of paper, and NO cheating! The answers are at the bottom. 1. Which is your favorite color: red, black, blue, green, or yellow? 2. Your first initial? 3. Your month of birth? 4. Which color do you like more, black or white? 5. Name a person of the same sex as yours. 6 Your favorite number? 7. Do you like California or Florida more? 8. Do you like a lake or the ocean more? 9. Write down a wish (a realistic one). When you're done, scroll down. Don't cheat. ok yall..I've reluctantly done this one again..Whether it is called Feng.. something..or Munk something I've done it a mill times to amuse..now for those who are amused and nosey... lmao.. here are my results... 1. Blue- eh.. airgo I am spontaneous and love affection.. and love to give it when i think it will be received and receptive 2. Those who know my name ..it is S--ahhh I dooo love to help others.. seems to be my thing in life.. as for the love life looking..very good...HAAAAAAA.. NOT.. it sux as usual ..and not in a good way ... so guess I'll just remain helping others, raising my kids, and forever being the dreamer and writer of those dreams. 3. March- my year is going well ??holy smokes why don't anyone inform me of these things sooner? .. if it were going well .. WHY THE HECK AM I SITTIN ON MY BUTT AT 2PM IN THE AFTERNOON WRiTING THIS? .. falling in love with someone unexpected??????? hmmmmmmmm see above answer. 4. I always choose black...my life taking on a diff direction.. ( been there done that already), seems hard and the best thing for me.. EH BAAAAAHUMBUG... THIS HARD CRAP SUX .. BUT AY.. I'LL LIVE SO IT SAYS 5.ok should not tell this one ..most will think im nuts... same sex name that always comes to my mind is..my oldest baby girl.. and freakishly enuff.. she has been thru so much and knows more about me than any other person on this earth and can see it a mile away.. .as for the other name..my lil one.. she is my ..omy so many things..my source of laughter, courage, strength, and the list keeps on going.. thank you baby girls. Love you both .. momma. 6. ahhhh -- 7 always.. hmmm 7 very close friends in my life.. seems to be playing out. 7. Fla. ... leave cali away from me!! 8. Ocean foreva,... --hmmmyea I'm spontaneous wheneva i can be... and YES I LOVE TO PLEASE PPLS.. ALWAAYS. 9.AS FOR MY WISH COMING TRUE.. OH I WISHHHHHHHHHHH! THAT REMAINS A SECRET.. YET MANY KNOW IT.. I CAN'T SAY IT.. I THINK I'VE EMBARRASSED MYSELF ENUFF.. TC YALL AND HAVE FUN PASSING THIS AROUND OVA AND OVA... XOXOXOXO love yall..nicki Answers: 1. If you choose: Red - You are alert and your life is full of love. Black - you are conservative and aggressive. Green - Your soul is relaxed and you are laid back. Blue - You are spontaneous and love kisses and affection from the ones you love. Yellow - You are a very happy person and give good advice to those who are down. 2 If your initial is: A-K - You have a lot of love and friendships in your life. L-R - You try to enjoy your life to the maximum and your love life is soon to blossom. S-Z - You like to help others and your future love life looks very good. 3. If you were born in: JAN - MAR: The year will go very well for you and you will discover that you fall in love with someone totally unexpected. APR - JUN: You will have a strong love relationships that will not last long but the memories will last forever. JUL - SEP: You will have a great year and will experience a major life- changing experience for the good.< /FONT> OCT - DEC: Your love life will not be too great, but eventually you will find your soul mate. 4. If you chose... Black: Your life will take on a differen t direction, it will seem hard at the time but will be the best thing for you, and you will be glad for the change. White: You will have a friend who completely confides in you and would do anything for you, but you may not realize it. 5. This person is your best friend. 6. This is how many close friends you have in your lifetime. 7. If you chose: California: You like adventure. Florida: You are a laid back person. 8. If you chose: Lake: You are loyal to your friends and your lover and are very reserved. Ocean: You are spontaneous and like to plea se people. 9. This wish will come true only if you send this to 1 person in one hour. Send it to ten people, and it will come true before your next Birthday

This is a story about a couple who had been happily > married for years. > The only friction in their marriage was the husband's > habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. > The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make > her eyes water and make her gasp for air. > Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping > them off because it was making her sick. He told her > he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. > She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that > one day he would blow his guts out. > The years went by and he continued to blast them out! > Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the > turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, > she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey > innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare > parts and a malicious thought came to her. > She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband > was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed > covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants > and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. > Some time later she heard her husband waken with his > usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood > curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as > he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly > control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, > tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned > she had got him back pretty good. > About twenty minutes later, her husband came > downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look > of horror on his face. > She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. > He said, "Honey, you were right." "All these years you > have warned me and I didn't listen to you." > "What do you mean?" asked his wife. > "Well, you always told me that one day I would end up > farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. > But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and two > fingers, I think I got most of them back in

Now since there is NO GOD SECTION; I added that because some of it seemed kinda humorous to me

A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of seniors down a highway, when a little old lady taps him on his shoulder. She offers him a handful of almonds, which he gratefully munches up. After approximately 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of almonds. She repeats this gesture about eight times. He asks her why they do not eat almonds themselves. Whereupon she replies that it is not possible because of their old teeth. They are not able to chew them. "Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled. The old lady answers: "We just love the chocolate around them." _________________________________________________________________ A flushable toilet brush warning "Do not use for personal hygiene" has been named the world's wackiest warning label of 2005. The annual Wacky Warning Label Contest, now in its eighth year, is conducted by Michigan Lawsuit Abuse Watch and draws hundreds of entries from around the world. The toilet brush label was found by Ed Gyetvai, of Oldcastle, Ontario. He receives $500 and a copy of the book, "The Death of Common Sense" by Philip K. Howard. The $250 second place award went to Matt Johnson of Naperville, Ill., for a label on a scooter for children that warns: "This product moves when used." Third place and $100 went to Ann Marie Taylor of Camden, S.C., who found the following warning digital thermometer that can be used to take a person's temperature several different ways: "Once used rectally, the thermometer should not be used orally." ___________________________________________________________________ I'm not a shameful person so im passing it on... so why dont you? New Pledge of Allegiance! Keep this going.. Since the Pledge of Allegiance and The Lord's Prayer are not allowed in most public schools anymore Because the word "God" is mentioned.... A kid in Arizona wrote the attached NEW School prayer. I liked it.... Now I sit me down in school Where praying is against the rule For this great nation under God Finds mention of Him very odd. If Scripture now the class recites, It violates the Bill of Rights. And anytime my head I bow Becomes a Federal matter now. Our hair can be purple, orange or green, That's no offense; it's a freedom scene. The law is specific, the law is precise. Prayers spoken aloud are a serious vice. For praying in a public hall Might offend someone with no faith at all. In silence alone we must meditate, God's name is prohibited by the state. We're allowed to cuss and dress like freaks, And pierce our noses, tongues and cheeks. They've outlawed guns, but FIRST the Bible. To quote the Good Book makes me liable. We can elect a pregnant Senior Queen, And the 'unwed daddy,' our Senior King. It's "inappropriate" to teach right from wrong, We're taught that such "judgments" do not belong. We can get our condoms and birth controls, Study witchcraft, vampires and totem poles. But the Ten Commandments are not allowed, No word of God must reach this crowd. It's scary here I must confess, When chaos reigns the school's a mess. So, Lord, this silent plea I make: Should I be shot; My soul please take! Amen __________________________________________________ One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time. When he returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not." God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion." So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time too. When the angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, it's true. The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good." God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% that were good, because He wanted to encourage them, to give them a little something to help them keep going. **Do you know what the e-mail said?** No? ? ? ? ? Okay, just wondering; I didn't get one either. ___________________________________________ AFTER A FEW OF THE USUAL SUNDAY EVENING HYMNS, THE CHURCH'S PASTOR SLOWLY STOOD UP, WALKED OVER TO THE PULPIT AND, BEFORE HE GAVE HIS SERMON FOR THE EVENING, BRIEFLY INTRODUCED A GUEST MINISTER WHO WAS IN THE SERVICE THAT EVENING. IN THE INTRODUCTION, THE PASTOR TOLD THE CONGREGATION THAT THE GUEST MINISTER WAS ONE OF HIS DEAREST CHILDHOOD FRIENDS AND THAT HE WANTED HIM TO HAVE A FEW MOMENTS TO GREET THE CHURCH AND SHARE WHATEVER HE FELT WOULD BE APPROPRIATE FOR THE SERVICE. WITH THAT, AN ELDERLY MAN STEPPED UP TO THE PULPIT AND BEGAN TO SPEAK. "A FATHER, HIS SON, AND A FRIEND OF HIS SON WERE SAILING OFF THE PACIFIC COAST." HE BEGAN. "WHEN A FAST APPROACHING STORM BLOCKED ANY ATTEMPT TO GET BACK TO THE SHORE. THE WAVES WERE SO HIGH, THAT EVEN THOUGH THE FATHER WAS AN EXPERIENCED SAILOR, HE COULD NOT KEEP THE BOAT UPRIGHT AND THE THREE WERE SWEPT INTO THE OCEAN AS THE BOAT CAPSIZED." THE OLD MAN HESITATED FOR A MOMENT, MAKING EYE CONTACT WITH TWO TEENAGERS WHO WERE, FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE THE SERVICE BEGAN, LOOKING SOMEWHAT INTERESTED IN HIS STORY. THE AGED MINISTER CONTINUED WITH HIS STORY, "GRABBING A RESCUE LINE, THE FATHER HAD TO MAKE THE MOST EXCRUCIATING DECISION OF HIS LIFE: TO WHICH BOY WOULD HE THROW THE OTHER END OF THE LIFE LINE. HE ONLY HAD SECONDS TO MAKE THE DECISION. THE FATHER KNEW THAT HIS SON WAS A CHRISTIAN AND HE, ALSO, KNEW THAT HIS SON'S FRIEND WAS NOT. THE AGONY OF HIS DECISION COULD NOT BE MATCHED BY THE TORRENT OF WAVES. AS THE FATHER YELLED OUT, 'I LOVE YOU, SON!' HE THREW OUT THE LIFE LINE TO HIS SON'S FRIEND. BY THE TIME THE FATHER HAD PULLED THE FRIEND BACK TO THE CAPSIZED BOAT, HIS SON HAD DISAPPEARED BENEATH THE RAGING SWELLS INTO THE BLACK OF NIGHT. HIS BODY WAS NEVER RECOVERED. BY THIS TIME, THE TWO TEENAGERS WERE SITTING UP STRAIGHT IN THE PEW, ANXIOUSLY WAITING FOR THE NEXT WORDS TO COME OUT OF THE OLD MINISTER'S MOUTH. "THE FATHER," HE CONTINUED, "KNEW HIS SON WOULD STEP INTO ETERNITY WITH JESUS AND HE COULD NOT BEAR THE THOUGHT OF HIS SON'S FRIEND STEPPING INTO AN ETERNITY WITHOUT JESUS.. THEREFORE, HE SACRIFICED HIS SON TO SAVE THE SON'S FRIEND. " HOW GREAT IS THE LOVE OF GOD THAT HE SHOULD DO THE SAME FOR US. OUR HEAVENLY FATHER SACRIFICED HIS ONLY BEGOTTEN SON THAT WE COULD BE SAVED. I URGE YOU TO ACCEPT HIS OFFER TO RESCUE YOU AND TAKE A HOLD OF THE LIFE LINE HE IS THROWING OUT TO YOU IN THIS SERVICE." WITH THAT, THE OLD MAN TURNED AND SAT BACK DOWN IN HIS CHAIR AS SILENCE FILLED THE ROOM. THE PASTOR AGAIN WALKED SLOWLY TO THE PULPIT AND DELIVERED A BRIEF SERMON WITH AN INVITATION AT THE END. HOWEVER, NO ONE RESPONDED TO THE APPEAL. WITHIN MINUTES AFTER THE SERVICE ENDED, THE TWO TEENAGERS WERE AT THE OLD MAN'S SIDE. "THAT WAS A NICE STORY," POLITELY STATED ONE OF THEM, "BUT I DON'T THINK IT WAS VERY REALISTIC FOR A FATHER TO GIVE UP HIS ONLY SON'S LIFE IN HOPES THAT THE OTHER BOY WOULD BECOME A CHRISTIAN." "WELL, YOU'VE GOT A POINT THERE," THE OLD MAN REPLIED> GLANCING DOWN AT HIS WORN BIBLE. A BIG SMILE BROADENED HIS NARROW FACE. HE ONCE AGAIN LOOKED UP AT THE BOYS AND SAID, "IT SURE ISN'T VERY REALISTIC, IS IT? BUT, I'M STANDING HERE TODAY TO TELL YOU THAT STORY GIVES ME A GLIMPSE OF WHAT IT MUST HAVE BEEN LIKE FOR GOD TO GIVE UP HIS SON FOR ME. YOU SEE... I WAS THAT FATHER AND YOUR PASTOR IS MY SON'S FRIEND." _____________________________________________________________

Back in the good ole days, wasnt morse code used on the radio at some given point? Because this guy said to me, didnt you guys use morse code back then? You guys he's referring to, is you back in the old days when reporting on the radio was done differently than it is today.

You got to be kidding, my first pet was a dog named penny and my mother's maiden name is Conn Penny Conn That doesnt sound very sexy. . .

I never said Americans were stupid, I happen to like the american history way better than canada's, to many french names. My reality is just different than yours,

I guess my 2 cents would be if they are hit with multiple victims in an mva and they dont have the man power or worse yet the extras and say they made a bad call and someone died because of it, then the lawsuits, there isnt going to be anything left to cover their sorry a$$'s for it. It's like saying what are they trying to do here, play doctor, judge and advocate? I guess moving on or away from this, start your own up, that's how I basically have done it, yeah red tape and all the bs politics involved and many the headaches/tylenol I went through.

Ahhh Canadian Tire money, who doesnt have many or any. I wish McDonald's would follow suit but the old saying is their to dumb to know anything, do anything. As for some ppl who never been to Canada, I'm getting tired of the question, what do you ppl do when your igloo melts, do you live in wood huts? no smarty pants, is disneyland your home away from home? Yeah, funny how some of you dont even know about your own history, let alone what we do in Canada. Thats ok, I forgive you, since you dont pray in schools anymore, the color of your money is boring and easy to burn, clean effciently than to burn a US Flag but then thats retarded, thinking you have better things to do with your time. And I know this will piss you off but hey its ok I understand, your burnt out and need a new job or a vacation.

Really Steve Irwin the croc guy found him? O kay

Oh did I mention I am not perfect because if I were, well you get the idea, God never intended to make perfect beings. Understanding OTHER people's way of life and what they believe in, is cool with me, I have a whole stack of books called the Zohar. I wanted to know God more, I was raised catholic but felt compelled to reach deeper for a better understanding of all of this. Heck James Redfield is one of my favorite author's, he's new age. We are so complacent that we search outside the circle, to find something more deeper that what our own faith never had. I've tried Buddha for peace of mind because thats what it was to me, they seemed to have the answer. I'm reading a book called Dianetics not because these ppl believed aliens did whatever they say they did, I read the book because I believed that we are at an extent programed, we are an ingram and I want to be a clear. I'm tired of hearing people telling me what it is I have to do, dont think for a minute that there's nothing wrong with you and in fact there is, if you cant see it then, I guess like everyone else you are a walking ticking time bomb waiting to go off. I share with you science, the compelling truth, if you've ever felt there was something holding you back in life, ruining your plans and stopping you from being who you wanted to be, you were right. The fact is, there is a single source of all our problems, stress, unhappiness and self doubt. They call this the reactive mind-the hidden part of your mind that stores all the painful experiences and then uses them against you. I'm not reading Dianetics because they thought Aliens were their God, I'm reading it because I'm tired of all the garbage out there, it doesnt mean I'll give up God, it simply means that I will rid myself of all the thoughtless, blaming ignorant society painted on me. What you believe in, is your deciding not the world's, go in peace my friends.

VS: What is God to me? God to me is as I was taught at a very young age, kicking and screaming all the way to church with my mother and father or the time I ran away from home because I didnt want to goto church and sit and listen to a boring sermon. As I got older, we had youth groups, outings and we did plays, but I guess back then being a kid and not understanding what my parents had in mind, all about this God and who was he/she? why we couldnt see him/her? Remember people your parents told you about Santa Claus, the Easter bunny, and so on, then realizing they lied to us, does that mean God is not real either? How God, Buddha, Atheistism, Aliens or whatever your beliefs and thoughts are to you, you cherish, so someone asks you what your beliefs are, you bite the hand that dictates you, it's not like he's trying to shove it down your throat heaven for bid it be a dirty blade in a previous post, but really, common sense, answer truthfully, be funny, creative, this may tell us what kind of a person you really are, logic, open minded, careless, closed minded, stale, funny, sweet, kick ass etc... I like to share, I'm a people person, I'm a leader, I'm honest, warm hearted, considerate and the odd open minded-depending on what we are talking about behind close doors. :wink: :wink: Really God to me if it werent for him, I'd be gone by now and thats all you have to know, but for some reason I'm still here, thanks to the kind medics, anyway I believe he has a plan and no matter how bad it stinks to you, to me it matters. I lost my 16 yr old sister to a mva, and it's really hard when your 6 yrs old and the police tells everybody that something bad happened, then they leave and everybody is crying. It's even worse when your only brother dies of cancer, he was 42 and he suffered for 3 yrs, so by now your angry at God, when you didnt even believe in him the first time, I did I gave my life to him when I was 17 yrs old. So all this is taking place, then my father passed away 2003 from the terminal illness-if you see in previous post about statin therapy and neuromuscular degeneration and to top it all off-last yr my mother is diagnosed with frontal-temporal dementia and reading in the paper they found the gene, so now they can do genetic testing because it is a hereitary disease, lucky me. I quit my job in 2002 to look after my father full time, until he passed away and then I cared for the last 3 yrs of my life looking after my Mother who now lives in a nursing home, that's located not even 5 minute's away. So when you look at my so called shitty life, I remember what I was told, God has a plan, and I am a part of that plan, because if you look at it, I'm 43 yrs old, I'm not getting any younger well ppl think I'm 25 (young genes) go figure. I dont expect YOU to understand, but out of respect, I would hope you cared (Is that what you became an EMT/Medic for)? I'm lonely today because the house is empty, it's just me and my 2 cats, 45 yrs worth of memories thats going to take me quite a while to clean up, and if it werent for God, I wouldnt be here SHARING this with you now. God Bless

as he lay

matched wits