has this happened to you??

[brock8024]

OK so two shifts ago I done something I had never done before. I went back out to my truck and actually cried. Yes I am a Male and I CRIED. I had a 26 year old female pt that I had taken into the ER and she died 4 or 5 mins after I got her there. Me and my partner talk and go over different dx and S/S. Well this girl had a huge I mean HUGE PE.

So has anyone ever had a crying moment.??

[AnthonyM83]

How long was your transport time? Since she's similar age to you, I see how you could connect. That's a young age to die at, especially if she had no other debilitating medical hx.

I tend not to get attached to patients, because so many of them are non-emergent complaints that it causes a bit of continual burnout or very critical where there's no time to connect. But I have had a few closer to my age that I identified with in age and type of person I would have as a friend where I thought about them after the call. I haven't had one die, but I could see that happening to me if they did....

[spenac]

Crying is fine. No shame in it. We are human, calloused but human. Some patients just bring back memorys. Some just we bond with for some unknown reason. We are human. The day [s:9e628f8081]we[/s:9e628f8081] I no longer feel is the day [s:9e628f8081]we[/s:9e628f8081] I must get out.

[Chief1C]

We lost a baby, and I don't think there was a single person in the ER or on the rig that didn't let a little more out than usual. Basic human emotion.. like spleen said. The day I can't feel, is my last day.

[brock8024]

I think my biggest thing was how it was at the ER. My boss was there and he was like well she is hyperventilating when we opened the doors. Now when we pulled her out he agreed with my dx of PE. We got her in the er and I gave my report to the nurses and Doctor. We was called for NVD for 5 days. He was thinking it was extreme dehydration. I was talking to him and told him my gut said PE. well Like I said 5 mins later they are coding her and she died.

I think my biggest thing is My gut said one thing and just the commemt my boss made and how the doc was not thinking the same as me, I mean I am not a doc but you know. And then she dies. I was thinking I done something wrong or if they had listened. My boss did not mean what he said in a bad way because once he seen her out of the truck he knew we was right. The doc I am sure had that in the back of his mind but you know.

Btw we me and my partner was told that her clot was huge. I mean at least 6 inches long. THere is nothing or no one that could have saved her.

Me and my partner who is a basic but I respect very much. As a matter of fact there is no rank on our truck. We have come up with a great way of handling calls together. We review S/S and talk bout different meds and things. I will ask her what she is thinking and if it is different then what I am we talk about it. I have like everyone else been wrong. We have talked many times about the presentation of PE and this girl was text book. BUt i cried for my 2 mins and was fine. Hell we even joked bout the ripper being in the bathroom with us and tripping us up. We had trouble getting her out of the bathroom. I am fine now just wondering if others done this.

[pmedic623]

Worked my youngest child last October....1 month old when he aspirated after vomiting. Wife found him already apneic, cyanotic and screamed for me. Suctioned him out and did rescue breathing until he started breathing again which seamed like an eternity. Fire arrived and by that time he was breathing again. We did blow by until the medic unit arrived. They were freaked out a bit because it was the crew that had relieved me that morning and they new were I lived. Transported him and I didn't leave his side....and did great until I walked outside the ER to make a phone call and it hit me what exactly happened. I broke down and cried and don't ever remember crying like that. In 14 years of working fulltime on an ambulance I have never cried probably because I disconnect myself from the situation which I've figured out has help me survive. That's not to say I've never been heartbroken by a situation or never been teared up, but just never cried. I know old medics that I've seen pretty heartbroken and teared up but most of the time their emotions are kept in check. I found out the hard way it's different when its your own....623

[Just Plain Ruff]

had a 23 year old female. she had fulminate liver failure. She was as orange as well an orange.

She asked me if I was going to heaven and I said yes. I asked her why she asked me and she told me she was going to heaven. I said how she knew that. She told me that the person at the end of the bench seat told her. I asked her who she was talking about and she said it was Jesus sitting there.

She died 3 days later. When I found out I had a crying moment.

[Don1977]

My service does neonatal/pediatric critical care transports for children's hospital of Pittsburgh transport team when they cant fly due to inclimate weather or close proximity hospital.

Anyway, around 5:30 on Christmas eve morning, we get called to go to a hospital about 8 miles out of Pittsburgh for a 5 year old in cardiac arrest., we picked up the team and got there in like 10 minutes, the team went in, we found out, child was worked on by ED staff for 60 minutes and nothing, they pronounced him in the room...

I was okay until the mother and sister walked in saw the kid and lost it, I had to leave run out to truck and I lost it, saying "why now??, its christmas eve", "what that kid do to deserve this". Then another truck pulled up, it was another one of my crews and I had to suck it up, and stopped.

A normal person dying is not going to hit, but a 5 yr old on christmas eve, that was tough, and I was fine til the family lost it.

I am ok, til its kids.

[brock8024]

I have had my moments of tearing up, being heartborken and asking why. But that was the first time I had actually cried. I think it was a way of me being shown that I am human still. I mean we sometimes try nto to let things bother us.

I know I had been questioning if this is what I was suppose to do in life. It i wanted to cont being on the truck.

I think it was a way for me to realize that I need to follow my gut if I get a huge gut feeling and that it is ok to cry everyonce in a while. I did not lose it in front of the family just at my truck alone. After i had i was fine and have been since.

[Dustdevil]

Perfectly normal, Bro. Don't worry about it. Sounds like you did a wonderful job too. The confusion caused by the diagnostic disagreement may well be a factor compounding the stress this laid upon your shoulders. Then, you were right. Unfortunately, being right is damn little consolation when your patient dies.

I'm not the heartless SOB that a lot of people seem to think that I am. I mean, it's pretty rare that I get emotional about any patient. I'd probably been in EMS for three years before I ever cried the first time, and that was for the family, not the patient. But I can tell you that I cried more in my first six months in Iraq than in the previous three decades put together. Probably more than any ten medics from this forum put together. But, just like you will, i move on.

Hang in there, Man. You did your best, and your patients are lucky to have a professional like you. It never gets easy, but it does get easier. As long as you can hold your head up high, knowing you did your best, you will always get through it okay.