Tactical Tommy

[Kilted13]

You Know him, You Love him, Some of you are Him.

Tactical Tommy Goes to the Store

From a friend in the government. I'm pretty sure I know some people like

this:

As I was leaving my house I stuffed my Glock 10mm "man gun" Mexican-style

in my pants. My backup is a fully customized 1911 with all the IPSC add-on

options in my $500.00 leather pancake holster custom made by Belgian Monks

who have devoted their lives to silence and holster making. These are the

ones used by SEAL Team 6, which I used to be a part of but all records of

my activities were destroyed in a fire "accident".

I put on my Royal Robbins photographer vest to match my pants while

wearing a T-Shirt underneath reading "from my cold dead hands." That way,

nobody can see what I'm packing. I had my Centennial .38 Special in my

ankle holster, just like the gun rag guys carry. Lastly I had my "Covert

Sniper" I.D. Card in my wallet with my "Concealed Weapons Permit Badge". I

was ready for anything.

I drove my "bug-out truck" to the 7-11 for some beer, 'cause you never

know. It is a performance-styled Subaru BRAT with 4 cylinders of ground

pounding fury.

I pull up to the 7-11 store and notice a nefarious looking girl scout

eyeballing me from the back of her mother's SUV. A likely cover.

The mother returned to the truck and went for the keys in her purse, but I

knew from my years of combat-honed instincts that she was actually making

a furtive movement for an offensive weapon.

I attempted a tactical shoulder roll, but fell flat on my face, kind of

flopping on the pavement to avoid any incoming rounds and to make it look

like I meant to do that. The store owner called 911 which is good, because

I then did a roll and attempted to draw my Glock.

Unfortunately, since I did not have a holster, the gun "went off" and the

bullet creased my weener. But I was prepared for that and bit down on a

9mm casing to take my mind off the pain as I dove for the garbage barrel.

That's when I noticed the girl scout shouting something to her mother who

began to take cover. I knew they were closing on me so I drew my trusty

custom 1911 Wilson COMBAT....I knew that they would be impressed with

that. I then duck walked to the front of her SUV but my gut kinda got in

the way and I fell on my ass, which caused me to swallow my 9mm casing.

I then tried to roll to my right, but didn't want to scuff my holster, so

I just threw myself into a telephone pole, but I landed on my right side

anyway. So I fired one shot towards the woman's SUV to pin them down as I

recovered my wind.

Before the mother knew what was happening, I charged her and I threw my

groin into her knee. I knew that as I vomited on the ground in front of

her that I had interrupted her OODA loop, and I had the advantage now. As

she ran screaming for the girl scout (I knew she was going for backup) I

made for my super-charged BRAT tactical truck. I jumped into the driver

seat, forgetting that I had left my rare Israeli contract AR 15 Bayonet on

the seat (honed to a razors edge). I could handle it though, half my ass

is an implant from war wounds. As I attempted to start my truck, police

and paramedics arrived on the scene. My truck would not start and instead

backfired once and caused the police to taze me. At this point, I

tactically soiled myself while in convulsions. My custom 1911 then fell

out the window, but I still had my Centennial .38. I knew then that I had

to take out the woman with the purse.

So I aimed my revolver at her, at which point the first police officer

fired once striking me in the chest. Fortunately, I was wearing my level

3A body armor. I didn't want to hurt the cops, they had obviously been

duped by the evil temptress who was now embracing her partner in crime and

crying to the police in the background - I knew it was a ruse.

I pulled out my concealed weapons permit badge and showed it to the

officer who shot me and yelled out "I'm one of you guys!!!" He continued

to cover me, and ordered me to drop my .38 so I laid it down. After all, I

still had my bayonet attached to my ass. The cop walked toward me, and

upon reading the badge maced me right in the eyes. Fortunately, my Oakley

shooting glasses stopped most of the spray and I was able to rip free of

the Taser cords easily. It only cost me one nipple...easily replaced. I

dove for the passenger side of my truck and began to run zig zag for a

ditch. Unfortunately, the bayonet sticking out of my ass slowed me down. I

knew it would have to be hand-to-hand now. I knew the cop couldn't take me

when I saw he merely carried a Glock 17, not a man's gun. So I immediately

threw my eye into his right hook, followed by a knee into his mag light.

As I lay thrashing on the ground, I took the heel of my Bates enforcer

boot and kicked at the cops ankle. I knew from my classified experiences

in Tajikistan that once I broke his ankle, the cop would fall down and I

could "stun kick" him in the head, knocking him out but not hurting him.

Apparently the cop had also been to Tajikistan, because he side stepped me

and struck me in the back with his ASP baton, but my trauma plate absorbed

it. I then drew my Benchmade auto knife and was promptly tased again, but

I was ready for it this time and only wet myself a little bit.

Next thing those cops knew, I was unconscious. That'll teach 'em.

ht lets se if this works

[THE_DITCH_DOCTOR]

Sounds like the fantasy of a wannabe.....I know someone like that.

[MedFire]

Damn that boy has some problems. LOL

[Richard B the EMT]

Who authorized the telling of my story?

LOL, keep them coming.

[Doobles999]

I know guys like that, even in the UK :?

[Guest]

kilted 13:

Re: The pseudo urban warrier.

You kilt me ded!

I am laughing SO hard I aspirated coffee!

ps Give up your day job go directly to hollywood, I will send you bus fare!

squint

[DwayneEMTP]

Clever and funny! Thanks for sharing!