NEW RULES FOR 2008

[Lone Star]

GEORGE CARLIN'S NEW RULES FOR 2008

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for

weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab.

Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you

isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for

http://classmates.com! There's a reason you don't

talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them!

Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these

days --- mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless

you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was

found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What

did you expect it to contain? Lobster?

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot,

blonde teachers are permanently damaged . I have a better description

for these kids: 'Lucky bastards.'

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care

about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Good, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle

of this crap at the supermarket, water, but, without that watery taste.

Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored

water?

Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the

asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee,

half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread

cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and One NutraSweet,'

ooooh, you're a huge asshole.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my

card, entering My PIN number, pressing 'Enter,' verifying the amount,

deciding, no, I don't want Cash back, and pressing 'Enter' again, the kid

who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Mars Bar.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't

make you Spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it

translates to 'beef with broccoli.' The last time you did anything

spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not

spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule : If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy

old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a

remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember

the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the

idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants.

After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex

with George Michael. I can't even tell If he's supposed to be there, or

just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, Dude.

I just want to wash my hands

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27

months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't

really care in the first place.

New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that

pays better than Minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or

tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around

saying, 'Do you want fries with that?'

[parabrandi]

Lone, don't hide it anymore..you are really George Carlin moonlighting as a dispatcher. It's so obvious....

[Lone Star]

DAMN! And here I thought my secret was safe!!!

Actually, you'll notice that I never tried to take 'credit' for it. I'll admit, I don't write 'em, I just pass 'em on!

[unknown]

Hey Lone wanna come work with me?!

[Lone Star]

Am I gonna freeze to death?

[firedoc5]

George Carlin is my hero. :notworthy:

[itku2er]

DAMN! And here I thought my secret was safe!!!

Actually, you'll notice that I never tried to take 'credit' for it. I'll admit, I don't write 'em, I just pass 'em on!

There are no secrets here remember brett :wink: :wink: :wink: :wink:

[JakeEMTP]

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the

asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee,

half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread

cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and One NutraSweet,'

ooooh, you're a huge asshole.

Have you ever seen any really masculine guys order a coffee like this? Not that there's anything wrong with that, I'm just sayin'.

Give me my extra large Timmy's double/double anyday.

New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that

pays better than Minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or

tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around

saying, 'Do you want fries with that?'

Amen. Didn't we have a discussion not that long ago about this very topic?

[firedoc5]

Have you ever seen any really masculine guys order a coffee like this? Not that there's anything wrong with that, I'm just sayin'.

Give me my extra large Timmy's double/double anyday.

I have no idea what a "Timmy" is but...

Coffee black, sometimes with sugar...who need's the other stuff. That extra stuff makes it a drink, not coffee. IMHO

[JakeEMTP]

]

I have no idea what a "Timmy" is but...

Coffee black, sometimes with sugar...who need's the other stuff. That extra stuff makes it a drink, not coffee. IMHO

Sorry firedoc5. Tim Hortons ( Timmys for short) is a coffee shop chain in Canada. The best IMHO.