Need some help or someone to talk to

[Neesie]

I have been told that I need to talk to someone and seeing as I am not comfortable talking to people in person because I fall apart as soon as I do, I thought I would come here and talk to someone. Any advise on how to handle this would be appreciated.

A couple of days ago I was the primary attendant on a call that involved a 3 yr old girl who had been run over by a vehicle. On arrival lots of bystanders and family screaming and crying. A bystander was holding c-spine. Deformity to the head was noted, one eye was shut the other was bulging out. Brain matter by her ear and blood pouring out of her ear. She was breathing on scene initially then stopped. We started CPR right away, put her in a ked and transported to the hospital. We worked her for quite a while at the hospital but she was pronounced. My manager wants me to go to a debriefing but I really don't want to go. I have never been to one and I really don't want the first on to be where I am bawling my eyes out infront of everyone. Apparently police, coroner and whoever else is having a debriefing. If I should go, what would I expect?

I feel that if I just leave it alone, it will go away. I don't want to talk to anyone about it. I do have a hard time sleeping because I keep running the call through my head and I keep seeing that little girls face. I keep thinking about her family and how I would feel if I had lost my son.

I honestly don't know what to do. people keep asking if I am ok....I just wish they would stop.

[DwayneEMTP]

Yikes, sounds like a tough call...

You do understand that circumstances killed her long before you intervened right?

I have heard that working kids near the age of your own children can be very difficult, as it makes it near impossible to disassociate yourself from the situation.

It sounds to me like you know what you need, and the best way to cope. You don't list your age in your profile. Depending on how much life you've seen you might make different decision on how best to care for yourself.

For example, I'm 44 and have traveled most of life's roads face down...in the ditch. I'm confident I've got the tools to deal with such a situation. For example, on Friday I teched 6 patients and three of them died. Dispatch called my medics cell and asked if we'd like to be routed directly to the morgue for the rest of the day. :wink: People kept asking me, (not my medic thank goodness) if I was ok, did I need anything, to talk to someone...It felt surreal. Two arrests, one end stage lung CA that died as soon as we moved her from the bed. I didn't kill them. I couldn't have saved them. They didn't really touch me. Moved on, had fun with people giving me hell, and went back to work. 25 years ago I don't believe I would have reacted the same way...25 years ago I also wouldn’t have accepted help even if I felt I needed it. Today I would in a heartbeat!

If you’re ok, that’s ok. Don’t allow people to convince you to be more damaged than necessary. And if you’re not ok, that’s ok…get the help you need.

CISD has been completely, thoroughly and scientifically debunked. As many here have said before me...if you need help, find a professional. CISD doesn't work for most, and seems to damage many.

Good luck. I know you'll do well...just be sure not to confuse doing well with doing it alone. For some that's best, for many it's not...pick the best route for you and your family.

Dwayne

[mobey]

Neesie

I can agree with you on the CISD thing, there is NO PROOF that it actually helps at all. I for one support one on one therapy. Time is the only thing that will make this easier to deal with. This was a HUGE call, the one everyone fears.... and it may be a career ender if it is not dealt with appropriatly. This may mean years of therapy or just a few PM's with someone you can trust over the net.

But I believe if you keep it bottled up, it will eat you alive.

feel free to PM me if you like.

[Just Plain Ruff]

Quote from Neesie feel that if I just leave it alone, it will go away. I don't want to talk to anyone about it. I do have a hard time sleeping because I keep running the call through my head and I keep seeing that little girls face. I keep thinking about her family and how I would feel if I had lost my son.

This completely makes me think shes not ok.

[firedoc5]

Talk away. Yes, you need to talk. If you feel like it PM me, or anyone here you may feel comfortable with. I know you don't want too, but sometimes you have to do things you don't want to do. Some may say, "Suck it up, get over it, be tough, etc." Believe me, from first hand knowledge you need to talk and/or get help.

I myself personally may not have the best advice or be the best counselor, but I'm a great listener.

I wish we had a program to "debrief" when we felt like we needed to. I think there would have been a lot of guys that would have benefited from it.

But open up, talk, PM someone.

[DwayneEMTP]

With complete respect to both of the above posters....

One of the issues found with CISD is that it often seems to convince people that they should be much more damaged than they are. People believe it and thus become more damaged.

If Neesie is an adult, as I'm guessing she is as she works in EMS, then I believe we either completely waste our breath, or worse, do her a complete disservice by attempting to convice her that "No normal person would come away from this undamaged."

I for one am going to take her at her word. I've often been upset and unable to sleep, money, relationship, a certain autism diagnosis. But this didn't mean I needed to come to completely distrust my own coping mechanism! It simply meant that my little pea brain needed a little time to assimilate this new, disturbing information before putting it away in it's own little pigeon hole where it now resides comfortably.

It sounds to me like she came here hoping to hash through this a bit, like many of us would like to...

Let's not attempt (I have faith she's stronger than to allow that anyway) to convince her that she doesn't know her own mind.

Having people with more experience, that you respect, tell you that you are broken, you just aren't smart/insightful enough to recognize it can make a relatively uncomplicated situation complicated very quickly.

Dwayne

[Connie31079]

Neesie:

Honey, don't be afraid to cry. We're taught in this profession that we have to "suck it up" and that we "have to be professional" but my dear.....we're all HUMAN!

If you go to the debriefing, it's OK to cry! You witnessed something that most people never see in their lifetime, and never will, but because of the nature of our job, we see it all the time! Doesn't make us any less human!

I've been to debriefings, it helped me to know that I wasn't the only one feeling bad about the call, and yes, I cried! And it felt good to let it out!

Don't hold this all inside, Neesie. It just won't "go away"....it'll fester inside you until it eats you up. Please, go and talk to someone.

[Asysin2leads]

Nessie, I would suggest going to CISD, but remember, like everything, approach it with an open mind. If you think something they are telling you sounds like BS, then say so. Don't let people tell you how to feel. What you feel and how you deal with it is, in the end, your own business.

Let me ask you, straight out, how have you coped with the call so far? Did you cry? Get mad? Get depressed? Get worried about your own family members?

Guess what, if you did, that means you're a normal person. These feelings are all normal. It doesn't mean you are a wimp, or unprofessional, or can't hack it, and they are NOT signs that you have suffered PTSD. They are signs that you are a person with a healthy emotional reaction.

And, if you didn't punch a wall, go get piss drunk, or wake up in a strange person's bed, you're dealing with it a lot better than many people I know and work with.

[Neesie]

I would like to thank all of you for your support. I appreciate everything that you all have said but to be honest with you, I wish I hadn't said anything. I actually feel worse than I did before. Not only for talking about it here, but my manager cornered me today and brought a lot of feelings to the surface. I cried in his office...which I hate to do, and reading all of your posts have made me cry again. This is the reason I don't want to talk about it. I don't like to cry, I don't like to look weak. Not saying that people who cry are weak, I just feel that way for myself. If I don't talk about it, it will go away, I won't cry and won't look weak. (or feel weak)

Thank you again for your support. I know that I have friends here who care...which almost makes it harder, but I do appreciate all of you.

Denise

Oh, and I am a 35 yr old female. I will try to change that on my profile. Not sure how I ended up being a male with no age....

[medic_texas]

Nessie,

The call sounds horrible and I'm glad that you are reaching out for help. This is the type of thing that can come back and haunt you (PTSD). I have been in a similar situation and it is heart breaking. CISD is awesome and I feel that it really helps. Don't be afraid of appearing "weak" because that is not the case, ever. I'm sure there are a number of people here, including myself, that would be more than happy to talk to you and help you through this.

Keep in touch and get well.