Need some help or someone to talk to

[scratrat]

Horrible call.

My first "real" call as a paramedic, was a burn victim times three. Two twin three year olds, and their grandmother. Grandmom lived for a few days but later died in the hospital. The kids never had a chance. And this was just days after Christmas. Thankfully, I didn't yet have children which I think helped me a lot. If that happened now, I'm sure it'd hit me a little harder.

Anyway, it bothered me for a while but I eventually dealt with it on my own. I did have a burned kid when I was first an EMT. I was forced into going to a CISD. And not to discredit them, but all it was, was a group of people talking about how they felt and spilling their guts. I was 18 or so, and I wasn't overly torn up, I don't know why. But CISd was useless to me. No one there is licensed in psychology or psychiatrics. If you have trouble sleeping over this event, you need to speak with a LICENSED mental health provider, not CISD. Go talk to a mental health person before it's too late and you get burned out. Even if it's just a neutral party to talk to. Do yourself that favor.

[Richard B the EMT]

Denise, crying is not a sign of weakness. I used to have a partner, one of the meanest acting MoFos going, one of those guys nothing seemed to phase. However, due to something in his personal background, which I didn't find out until over a year after he upped and quit, I didn't realize, at first, every time we had a possibly abused child as a patient, he wasn't at work the next tour. He was at the FDNY EMS' EAP (Emergency Assistance Program), getting council at his own request.

Turned out HE was an abused child, and he had trouble dealing civilly with the alleged perpetrators of such actions on others.

OK, perhaps that was apples and oranges.

The world knows how badly shook up everyone here in NYC was following the September 11th Attack, and then, 2 months later, we had the American Airlines Flight 587 crash in my neighborhood. I needed to talk to someone, and the department helped me get it. Also, if they had been unable to provide it, I have a rider on my medical insurance policy that would cover it, even if it had not been due to the attack or the plane crash.

Please. Seek help. If you don't "click" with the therapist, go to a different one.

Don't feel that this is make you a lesser person. Anyone who implies otherwise is a fool, and should be ignored. This is your mental health we are talking about, so take care of yourself, for yourself.

[firedoc5]

I have felt the exact same way. Always hated to cry, and still do. But it's not a weakness, by no means. I don't give out much psych advice because that's not what I'm trained to do. But not talking about it, or thinking about, is not going to make it go away. I tried that, it doesn't work. But on a couple of occasions I found out that if I talked about it and wound up crying about it, which may or may not happen, it get's you over that hurdle. That's why I've always said that I might not have the greatest advice, but I'm a great listener. Maybe if you just find that one person to listen to you talk, cry, rant and rave and get it out of your system, then you might get over that hurdle and can go on.

[Eydawn]

Crying is not weakness. Suppressing what you actually feel and denying yourself the chance to process the call at the emotional, cognitive, and personal level *is* weakness. It may be very hard to face how you feel- I know that I pull the "pretend normal" bit very often when I feel exactly the opposite, thinking I'm doing those around me and myself a favor by being "strong." But really, all it does is hinder the process and make things much more difficult to figure out in the end.

Go with your gut. But let yourself be human, and allow yourself the time to cry, work through the emotions, and then think about what you experienced emotionally afterwards.

This will take time! Something that affects you profoundly takes a good while to integrate and understand. There are still things that I am processing that I have dealt with; they don't incapacitate me on the daily level, but occasionally they crop back up and I have to stop and think through them again.

If you want to PM me, feel free... I'm always there to listen, so to speak. Don't let anyone force you to examine anything- take it at your own pace. If you don't want to go to CISD and rehash it, then don't. CISD works for some (who are receptive to a group catharsis) and harms others (who prefer to deal with emotional problems more on their own or in a trusted relationship). If you feel in your gut that it will not help you, don't go.

Also, remember... not everything is in your control. There are things beyond human ability to control, including weather, and sometimes, bad trauma. Remember that you did not fail; you did what you could... and tomorrow, you will give what you can to the next patient who needs you. Remember, that we are here to do what we can in someone's darkest hour.

Here's my personal philosophy. If someone is meant to pass (as wierd as it may seem in some cases, or as unfair as it may be) then they will despite your best efforts- because it wasn't meant to be. That doesn't mean that you don't do what you can- because you *can* make a difference, and sometimes you're meant to bring someone from the brink back. That's just me... but I know hearing different perspectives sometimes helps.

Hang in there! We're here for you.

Wendy

CO EMT-B

[itku2er]

NEES you have my info pm me or yahoo me i am here anytime you need or want to talk.

terr

[Neesie]

All of your advise/thoughts are appreciated wholeheartedly. I know there was nothing more that we could do for her. Infact we probably did CPR more for our own sakes and the families sake more than anything. It would have been really sad if we had got her back because she would have had no quality of life (with the brain matter and all) I honestly don't know how I am feeling about the call. I know that I see her face all the time, especially at night, I can see her breathing on scene and then all of a sudden stop...I think about her family and then I think about my own son. My stomach is upset and my eyes are getting really sore from crying. Tonight at work was especially bad for me. I dread getting another call...of any kind right now. However, I am going on 6 days off starting this morning...I think that will help just to get away from here. Now I feel like people will judge me if I go to a debriefing and if I don't go. Am I in a state of paranoia?

Anyway, as I said, I really don't know what the emotion is that I am feeling. I have tried, but I can't put a word or an expression to how I feel. Am I going crazy? Am I heartless because I can't do that?

Thank you all for your concerns and comments. It really has helped to listen to what you have to say.

[Richard B the EMT]

We might act gruffly, but we do care. Perhaps we hide the caring with the gruffness.

Please keep us updated as to what happens.

[Chief1C]

Bear with me, I have difficulty sharing stuff like this, so if it's confusing, you'll know I actually put thought into it.

If something doesn't bother me right away, I keep it inside out of instinct, and don't, I guess let it out. I always, never fails, always assume that I'm over it, isn't going to bother me, and never will.. I'm always, wrong, I've been affected by some very minor details, from nasty calls, several months afterward. In once case, it was almost a year after a traumatic death, traumatic as in literally Trauma, of an infant; I was just sitting here, I think I was watching TV. I couldn't concentrate enough to tell you what caused it, or how I came to it, but I just bummed out real quick and started crying, as if the call just happened.

I refuse to CISD after any call, I'd probably even take a forced leave if I had to, to skip one. I never thought the first one I attended did anything, it took a few days for it to catch up to me. I just like to keep things to myself, and hope they dissolve on their own.

If asked for this advice, I'd be a hypocrite, I'd tell them to never keep things inside. Bottling things up causes a lot of bad things to happen, unless you have some way to release stress and chip away at what you've bottled up. Try a CISD, and if it still affects you, find something on your own that is a safe way to release your feelings.

[Neesie]

i am not exactly sure why it is that I am so against going to a cisd. I have never been to one before..not have I ever needed to (never had a call bad enough to need it)

Maybe I am just afraid that when I get there, I won't be able to tell them how I am feeling because I honestly don't know how I feel. Sometimes I don't feel anything and feel bad for that. Other times I think I feel worse than what I should. And to actually use a word that describes how I feel.....I can't. I don not know what I feel.

What does that all mean? Am I a heartless bitch or a drama queen?

As time goes on, (it has been 3 days), I am flooded with mixed sensations (can't say feelings). I cry at the drop of a hat some times, then not at all when I think i should. I have had some anxiety attacks really for no apparent reason. My walls are cleaner than the day I moved in. And I am sick to my stomach and can't eat one minute, then am fine the next.

I seriously think I am just nutso.....

[Just Plain Ruff]

Neesie, I think you are exhibiting signs of PTSD and that's a big issue now for you.

Please get help either at your employer's EAP or on your own.

You keep posting and I can almost guarantee that it's not going to go away on it's own.

To be blunt -- You need help. Just buck it up, call someone in a professional role and get the help you need.

If you continue to post here with all your feelings and do not take some of the best advice given to you and you negate our attempts to help.

I have a co-worker who comes to me or advice all the time. I give good advice and she agree's with the advice each time I give it. Yet she does the opposite of what I counsel.

I finally told her to not come to me for advice anymore since my advice is never taken.

So you have good advice given. As a matter of fact, some of it has been excellent. If you ignore the advice that you ahve been given, if you ignore the counsel you have recieved then no-one here will be willing to help you in the future and that is not an outcome you want nor we want.

Please let us know what you plan on doing. All of us who have responded to your posts have a genuine interest in helping you, giving you advice but if you ignore that advice then I for one will probably not provide advice to you in the future because you didn't listen to sound advice the first time.

I'm sorry to sound so harsh but I've been down this road before, what with emt partners, my co-workers and the like. If you ask for advice and disregard that advice then I am very reluctant to help you or anyone out in the future.