Looking for answers I did not have

[kjohnson55]

I was off duty at home when I had received a phone call from one of my supervisors asking if I could come in and help doing a stand by, and of course for anyone who loves there job as much a I do I told him give me 10 min and I will be there.

Upon getting to the station I still did not know what kind of Stand By that I would be going on. I figured a Drug Raid, Fire Stand By, or even doing a PR event stand by. As I walked into the office my supervisor briefed myself and my partner on the Standy By. The first words out of his mouth was that we have a 4 year old little boy missing and was last seen in the water. MY HEART SANK. I was not expecting that kind of stand by.

To make a long story short we had gotten to the scene at approx. 5pm. Mother had already been taken to the ER and released for hyperventilating. There was about 7 different agencies and a chopper in the air and 3 search dogs as well. The father of the son was kept a distance from the water were the boy was last seen. To make things worse dad had a medical history of DM, HTN, and a past MI. As I approached the dad to intoduced myself and to let him know that we were here if he needed anything to let us know. I also told him that I would be back to check on him. Thoughout the 5 hours of being there I had built up a relationship with the father.

The hardest thing about this story is that the little boy that was missing had just been adopted and they were celebrating the signing of the papers and the new addition to their family. On that 5th hour of being there the worst had happened, the fire department had their men in wetsuits and they found the little boy approx 10 ft. from the shore. There was a drop of with a ledge and the little boy had went to far. Of course in being in this business I have seen countless dead bodies, and not to be harsh but it was just another body.

At that point in time when we knew that we could not have done anything for the child my attention had turned to the father that I had been with for the last 5 hours. I could see the officer going to tell the father and I headed up the hill not knowing how he would react. Before I had gotten up there he had already been told and was on his knees throwing up and shaking uncontrollably. He was on his knees for about 1 min. and turned to me and told me "I HAVE TO TELL MY WIFE"- "I WANT HER TO HEAR IT FROM ME AND NO ONE ELSE".

My partner was still with the child running a strip, and the dad took off towards the house unable to walk that well without my assistance. I radioed my partner and let him know he said OK and if I needed anything to let him know. We got about half way to the house and the dad stops and turns to me and asks "DID I KILL MY SON" - "AM I A BAD FATHER"- "WHAT DO I TELL MY WIFE"

For the first time on the job I was speechless. Unable to imagine what he was going through I had no words to tell him. But it was as if he was not looking to me for the answers (it was very upsetting). We continued and reached the house the mother took one look and him and looked at me and started to scream. They held each other for what seemed to be a enterinty and what made it even worse is the mother had turned to me and asked me what her baby looked like. (once again I was speechless).

This is one of the worse calls that I have been to unsure if it was just the time that I had spent getting to know the familys background, or if it was the questions that I could not answer. Just needed to get that off my chest thanks to all of the people who do this job day in and day out and wether it is holding an old ladies hands all the way to the Hospital cause she just wanted someone to talk to or those major MVAs. It takes special people to do what we do and from my self to all of you be proud of what you do and you are to often the HERO that never gets the recognition yall mean something in my books.

Paragraphs added for ease of reading...AK

[JPINFV]

Paragraphs?

[DwayneEMTP]

Hell K, there's nothing good about this call except your behavior...

The boy is lost near water for hours, dad has a significant history, there is only the tiniest chance that this is going to have a happy ending.

You mention the folks that do this job day in and day out...well, I can't claim to be one of those, but I'll give my opinion regardless.

You can't know the answers to those questions. Now what you can do is flip a coin, make something up, and hope that your guess is going to do more good than harm....But that's just not how we roll in EMS...right?

I give you kudos for watching for dad to crump. That was first rate.

Expecting yourself to have the answers to questions you can't possibly know the answers to? That's just not realistic. You need to cut yourself a break.

We had some speakers come in, as well as watched case studies from people that had been through these tragedies themselves, during medic school...that, along with the 44 years I've spent on this planet bumping into walls, convinced me beyond all doubt, that guessing at the best thing to say is so often wrong that it's irresponsible to do so. The right answer is variable minute to minute, and the wrong answer can leave mental scars for years to come.

You made sure he's still alive so that he has the opportunity to work through this nightmare in a natural way...with time.

Good on you girl.

Dwayne

[mrmeaner]

I'd have to agree that there are no right answers in that situation. Sounds like you did well.

[firedoc5]

KJ, my hat's off to you. You handled it superbly. By not having an answer and not making one up, like I've seen done by others, considering the circumstances you kept the situation in control. Yes the parents were taking it hard, but you didn't make it worse. And I'm sure the family will remember you and how you supported them and were there for them. It's not wrong to get to know the family, it's only human. Keep up the good work. With time comes wisdom.

If something comes up and it starts to bother you, just PM any of us here.

[Kaisu]

Tough call girl. One of the hardest things to learn in this life is what we have control over and what we do not. In this situation, you and the parents were helpless. You were a witness to another human being's indescribable tragedy and that is a VERY important role. Most people cannot stand the feelings that you describe and so isolate themselves from the people suffering. They do this in many ways. By being present and willing to be there with them you are giving them a great gift. Sometimes, the only thing we can give people is our willingness to stand by and stare into the abyss with them.

Take care of yourself now. You've made a great start by sharing this with us. This call will be a part of you forever. It is a privilage to be in this profession to be there for our patients at times like these. It takes a special strength and a total willingness to serve.

God bless you girl.

Love

Kaisu

[Virginia NPP]

Sounds like you did a great job, and I agree with the take care of yourself advice.

These questions of course have no answers, and the parent is just speaking his agony out loud. Silence or a touch is a good response, or just a simple "This is a terrible tragedy, I'm so sorry".

Sometimes parents need to see their children after they have died and should be offered the opportunity, even if it is extremely difficult.

Virginia

[Just Plain Ruff]

Holy Crapola this hit a bit to close to home with the adoption aspect. You did well grasshopper.

I have a pm coming to you.