Dorm Life

[Arizonaffcep]

One of my friends found this while we were in college...I just rediscovered it and thought I'd share it with everyone. Brings back memories...

Dorm Life

The inventor of dormitories . . . let's find him, make him pay for the

travesties he's visited on America's youth, and force him to listen to

Matchbox 20.

Can't you see him designing these hellish stacks of

humanity many years ago? From the sidewalk he raised his hands

triumphantly and said, "It shall be like the projects with less violence

and more marijuana!" He then took lumber and Elmer's Paste, as it is

often called, to create these pet carrier sized rooms that we live in.

You wanna know why people from the projects hardly ever go to college? It's because they don't want to leave their lush surroundings.

The actual term dormitory is of course derived from the Latin term

for sleep, which is appropriate because that is all you have space to

do. You have to do it standing up in the bathroom sink but it can be

done. The luckier students have space to scratch their *sses but the

windows have to be open and their roommates have to be gone for the

weekend. When you go home the closets even feel like a gymnasium, and you can romp around in the bathroom like a horny antelope.

I can't imagine the kids who brought everything they own to the

dorm. I brought like a condom and a sock. Next semester I hope to have a towel and the other sock. I also need a new condom. Forget

having space to sleep. Who sleeps anyway? Nobody on my campus.

I think it's a rule. This one kid tried but no one knows what happened

to him. Let's just say his floormates never saw him awake again.

I feel like I'm a member of the national insomnia coalition. 0ur agenda involves a lot of Frappacino and staring at the test pattern on tv. It's like this strange pseudo-vampire lifestyle. Did you know that if you

stay up late enough they play the Tonight Show over again and it still

isn't funny? No sleep really f*cks with your eating habits too. Every

night at 2 in the morning you get as hungry as a Bosnian and you have to go to the vending machine to watch the one bagel spin in the carousel of salmonella.

People have White Zombie playing until 5 AM, which to me really

encompasses my mood at 5AM. I could be listening to Kenny G and it

would seem hardcore at 5 in the morning. It doesn't matter because you

still can't get an open clothes drier minutes before sunrise. There's

like this one chick who’s always tying up an entire drier with like one

pair of panties. I let it slide because it gives me an opportunity to

watch hypnotically tumbling panties. The worst is when she turns out to be morbidly obese and you have to vomit in your laundry basket.

Not that the dryers work anyway. I could fart on my laundry and get it drier than the converted toaster ovens that the university supplies. Dry jeans? Forget about it. I had to convert mine to a deep-sea wet suit.

So what if you want to leave the dorm? Get ready for a chore.

You'll need keys, ID, bag, books, a map, an umbrella, sun glasses,

insulin, a snake bite kit, mace, a pack mule, and an Algonquin Indian

translator (Miami students you know what that's all about). Then you

have to go walking through the building kissing the *sses of all the

dweebs you live with and holding the door for anyone in the same county. What's with the door holding policy? Like opening a door requires a spotter. If you've got arms, coordinated feet, or useful nub, open your own God damn door.

No matter where you go you have to use these gerbil-on-a-wheel elevators. I could climb up the side of the building with a corpse tied to my johnson in less time than it takes for the door to close. Then you have to f*cking march for miles from your dorm which is conveniently placed on f*cking opposite side of the campus from any building that is f*cking remotely important. People on rollerblades I accept, people on bikes I have urges to clothesline but tolerate, but people on skateboards have a value just below medically retarded nazis. It must be explained to them that skateboards were cool when we were 11 and even then they weren't that cool.

Where are you headed? Probably to get something to eat at the dining hall. The only dish they haven't f*cked up is Lucky Charms. I think the university supplies them with a blender and unlimited horse meat mixed with some retired circus animals. The key to making the menu fresh and exciting is the food coloring. The charming and buck-toothed lunch ladies proudly announce, "Yesterday we had chicken nuggets and today we present to you blue chicken chunks that are totally unrelated to the nugget dish we served you just yesterday. We are serious, they have nothing to do with each other. I stake my hair net on it. You can have extra blue in yours." And the ladies (who really seem to love livin in the exciting scooping career) refuse to serve more than what fits on a toothpick. You can't just ask for a large portion, you have to ask for "more than the offensive line could consume this semester." Then you get a second blue nugget.

Remember how excited the potato bar got you the first week? Now the potato bar makes you homicidal. (What are bacon flavored bits made of?) Then you get to come home to your room. Mine is called a suite, which is a pretty cruel manipulation of the English language. I get to spend time with the closet case that the boarding office apparently found compatible with me. He's like Chewbacca's considerably less attractive estranged midget cousin. A wookie also has better control of the English language. My roommate is another rant all together. Most people get one of two kinds of roommates, the one who sharpens knives while he watches you sleep (mine), and the one who asks you what it's like to go outside (also mine).

My suite mates next door live an intensely Rastafarian lifestyle. In an attempt to put Cheech and Chong to shame, their bong is a centerpiece of the room that they clean with wadded textbook pages. They smoke to Bob Marley at 3AM on Wednesday nights which is a little too hardcore but you have to love their dedication to the sport.

End your dorm day by hopping in the shower. It's as big as a

Tupperware container. It has 3 temperatures, f*cking hot, really f*cking hot, and nuclear. Whenever somebody flushes a toilet on the campus the temperature goes to skin removal levels and I go blind for a few minutes. I swear it is connected to every toilet. My brother flushed the toilet at home last week and I called him to tell him to be a little

more considerate. The bathroom is as clean as any fast food restaurant

urinal cake and after the average college student cleans the sh*tter

with a bottle of Vodka it's as clean as any bus station. I've given up

on cleaning the bathroom and I'm disinfecting myself. A quick spray down with Lysol Direct and my body is fresh and repellant to several

bacteria.

Bottom line. Turn up the music and try to get high off the fumes coming from under the bathroom door because they never share. The "best days of your life" will be over soon.

[firedoc5]

I was never at a college that had dorms. But my best friend of mine did. I'd stay weekends with him every now and then. Other than having to sleep on the floor it was a lot of fun, especially since it was co-ed. The biggest shock I got was when I was standing at the sink shaving when one of the shower curtains flew open and a gal stepped out with a barely large enough towel wrapped around her. If Paul would have told me before hand I wouldn't have been so surprised. Of course I'm not complaining about it.

I knew I should have gone to a larger school. :roll:

[itku2er]

I was never at a college that had dorms. But my best friend of mine did. I'd stay weekends with him every now and then. Other than having to sleep on the floor it was a lot of fun, especially since it was co-ed. The biggest shock I got was when I was standing at the sink shaving when one of the shower curtains flew open and a gal stepped out with a barely large enough towel wrapped around her. If Paul would have told me before hand I wouldn't have been so surprised. Of course I'm not complaining about it.

I knew I should have gone to a larger school. :roll:

:roll: :roll: :roll: :roll: :roll:

[firedoc5]

:roll: :roll: :roll: :roll: :roll:

What??? :dontknow:

[Eydawn]

The account of dorm life rendered here is amazingly hilarious.... because there is so much truth in it!

Dorms can be fun... but when you're ready to grow up and be an adult, the dorms start to suck. Not to mention watching drunk jocks wander around at 3am is not always the entertainment of choice...

Wendy

CO EMT-B

[Richard B the EMT]

So much for dormitory life, but what about frat and sorority houses? "Animal House" and "House Bunny" are 2 examples, and, in TV and movie renditions, there's probably more.

"Animal House" was inspired, but "House Bunny" was just a fluff silliness. (My "Lady J" wanted a comedy, and HB was the only comedy on any nearby movie screen. Call it a tolerable "Chick Flick")

[Richard B the EMT]

Not to mention watching drunk jocks wander around at 3am is not always the entertainment of choice...

And...What were YOU doing up at 3 AM to see them? (LOL)

[Eydawn]

Either taking care of their puking friends, their puking girlfriends, or studying. That or doing something crazy like playing zombie tag in the academic buildings after hours...

Wendy

CO EMT-B

[jsadin]

Ah, the fabulous sport of "drunk sitting". After a while, aspiration pneumonia doesn't seem so terrible....

[brentoli]

Wendy doesn't mention herself puking.

It's like she wants us to think shes innocent. :roll:

Hehehe

I loved dorm life, but I lived with a close knit group of guys. Who your hall mates are makes a diffrence.