Something I wrote today...

[akflightmedic]

Hate it? Like it? Discuss it?

The Wall

As a small child growing up next to the ocean, I passed many wonderful days in its midst. I suppose my reverence for the ocean was seeded long before I was able to comprehend its awesome power and importance on life. My mother, fearful of the massive waves pounding the surf and crashing upon the rock wall, bravely introduced me to this phenomenon simply by bringing me into this world.

She was a young mother, extremely protective of her new baby boy; but never the less, she hovered closely as I savored my first tastes, sounds and smells that only a closeness to the ocean can bring. I can not explain why she was fearful of this wonderful place; the salt breeze whisping upon my lips left such a pleasant taste, whilst the sea gulls called for morsels as they swooped closer and closer, and the roar of the waves, monstrous displays of power echoed in my ears, keeping a beat to a song no one else could hear. These wonderful, magnificent experiences were to remain with me, within me, forever a part of me.

Visits to the ocean were always a treat. When I was able to walk on my own, I discovered the sea wall was perfect for climbing, hours of unlimited fun, imagination free to roam where it may. This massive structure, erected to hold back the ocean waves, or keep people from stumbling completely into them, was indescribably enormous to a small child such as I was. Standing upon it, I could run, dance, hop and skip up and down and back again. So high in the air I was, the breeze unimpeded dancing across my bare skin, turned copper by the warm sun. As I turned in any direction, I could see forever. The ocean itself, dare I say it, appeared small, non threatening. There was no fear, for I was happy and living in the moment as all small children do.

It was during these outings to the ocean and my adventures upon the sea wall, when my family would gather below; they seemed upset, angry, hurt, and even fearful. They begged me to come down, but for some odd reason, they were too scared to come up and get me. This over reaction due to a few back flips and of course peering over the edge to the waves smashing below did not seem all that bad to a kid my age. It was rather exciting! However, like most obedient children, I would begrudgingly come down from the wall fully prepared for the worst, but instead was greeted with hugs and kisses and forced promises of “I must never do that again”.

Many years went by without me climbing that wall or seeing the ocean. We had moved further away, however even in my new environment, I was able to catch glimpses of my favorite play place in picture books, photographs, or the retelling of stories during family gatherings. I was fixated on that wall according to some of my family, just can not seem to let it go. I must admit, the wall was such a constant in my early years, it did indeed seem to beckon to me on many occasions; however, I simply did not have the opportunity to go explore at the level I was accustomed to.

In my pre teen and early teen years, there were several special events being held down by the sea, particularly near the wall that I played on as a child. I was so excited because I would get to see again and make real what was only fading memories to me at this time. Upon my arrival, I was able to see, touch and climb the wall again. At the top, I saw the ocean and smelled the air, only this time things were very different. As I looked around, I realized the wall was crumbling, it was in serious disarray. The wall no longer seemed as massive as I had imagined. The view of the ocean was the same but the water seemed cold, gray and uninviting. My skin crawled as the breeze touched me, and the salt in the air made my lips hurt instead of licking them with delight. The sad crying of the gulls was rather beseeching as well, and their paths of flight in front of the cloud covered sun no longer seemed impressive. Feeling deflated, I glanced down and there was my family, doing the same old song and dance, urging me to climb down this minute. Severely disappointed with what I saw, I came down and made everyone happy.

As I cruised through my late teens, driver’s license and car at hand, I found myself thinking about that wall and the ocean many times. Life was good, I was free and nothing could stop me—ever. I do not know what appeal that wall held over me, but I did find myself driving to visit more than once. Being older and wiser, I would no longer climb on it, but I would find myself touching it, this was simply unavoidable in my life. There were a few times where my touch caused the wall to break away and rubble would strike me in the head or land upon my feet causing minor injury, but I never told my family where I was or what I did.

I fondly recall one particular warm day, when the sun was bright and high in the sky, the skies so blue, and a gentle breeze blowing my direction carrying that sweet salty taste of the ocean’s finest. These sensations encouraged me to remember the good times I enjoyed upon that wall near the ocean. In what seemed hours of thought, lasting only mere seconds, I jumped in my car and was off to the shore. I was prepared for the crumbling wall, what I was not prepared for was how small it seemed. Years and years I had played upon and imagined this structure to be so massive, yet now it seemed infantile. Not to be daunted, I climbed atop the wall and made the best of it. I ran on it, I jumped upon it, and I laughed at its miserable condition. I could not fathom why such a structure would ever put fear in anyone’s mind, like it did for my family when I was a child. So there I was, for that day, a child in a man’s body playing silly games from long ago. As wonderful as the ocean was that day, so calm and inviting, I could not stay. I had already been away for too long and I thought for sure I could hear my father’s voice in the wind speaking to me as if I were still child, asking me to “please, please come down from the wall.”

Feeling guilty, so much so, I even imagined my girlfriend holding my hand and gently tugging and whispering softly, “stop being silly, listen to your father and come down from the wall”. Alas, I relented and came down.

As the years passed, living life consumed my time, so much so that I purposefully avoided the ocean and its rock container. There were many important things to do and I had no time for such silly indulgences. The wall and ocean with all its charm was nothing more than a distracter. During this time, I became a father and relished every second of it. I never had the need, nor did my children have the desire to be exposed to the ocean or its wall. My mother had no choice and did it bravely, but we, we were different. I wanted my children to appreciate the ocean and wall for what it is, but not become so attached as I did. I knew if I allowed them to climb the wall, my reactions would be no different than my parent’s reactions when I used to scurry up those rocks.

It did not take long for me to realize no matter where you are, children will always find their own “walls”. I have to sit back and let them climb if they so choose, hoping they don’t, but knowing no matter what, they will always go look or touch the wall as I once did, as we all do.

I am no longer troubled by that wall or concerned with the ocean, which will grab onto you should you tumble from the wall. To this very day, I still visit the wall more than I desire; however, I have not climbed it in a long time. I have touched it and had pieces fall upon me, but that is the risk of cavorting with such an old, crumbly wall.

I know one day I will return to that wall for one final climb. I imagine it as an old, gray, broken structure, much like the shape I will be in when I take that final ascent. Despite outward appearances, inside we will both be solid as we ever were, testaments to our deeds on this earth. The wall having contained the ocean for years on end will welcome me to climb up and enjoy the mighty splendor one more time. I will run, shout, dance and play as I did when I was a child. I will feel that cool breeze, taste that salt air, listen to the songs sung by the sea gulls and bask in the sun. I will do all these things until the wall can stand no more and allows me to go for a swim in that beautiful, blue, warm water.

[hammerpcp]

Well.... I vomited at the 'whispering on my lips' part and had to stop reading.

[akflightmedic]

I do believe it says whisping as opposed to whispering....but thanks for your input as short as it was.

[spenac]

Good descriptive writing. You surprise me. Guess your really an old softy.

[bbbrammer]

Nicely done ak. Smacks of an English or Creative writing class project, but I am glad to see that I am not the only adult in the world who still writes poetry or short stories in the literary style. Cookies to you for not falling into today's society of the blatantly crass form of writing.

[Mateo_1387]

Ak, I enjoyed the story.

Here is what I get out of it.

I feel as if you were drawn back to your old ways and tendencies, such as coming down off the wall like you parents wished, yet they were not there to tell you to come down. The notion to come down off the wall seemed instilled in you.

I got that you did not let that wall become a barrier to you. The consequences were worth the climb and excitement you got out of the wall. As your story goes through a time change, so does your thinking. As you grew older, the excitement of the unknown did not seem to phase you. What you seem to have wanted was the chance to relive the life of newfound excitement and fearlessness. As time went on though, you grew up, you realized just what life was about, and that silly crumbling wall was not magnificent as it used to be. Yet you are always drawn back to it, like a beacon. Some part of you was addicted to that wall. Nothing in the world could make you feel as excited, innocent, and positive as the wall did.

No matter how much of a distraction though, reality always prevails. You still have your family to provide for, children to raise, jobs to attend to. Time is slipping by; you get older, as is the wall.

Every time I go back and reread a paragraph or two, I find some other subtle meaning out of it. It is probably just me thinking too hard, but its ok, it is about what I get out of it. Pretty awesome!

[akflightmedic]

I have received a few emails and PMs in regards to this post.

I am happy there is an interest but what I imagined was maybe some of the more braver members being willing to delve into it and speak of what it means or says to them, or even attempt to explain what I was trying to say. One person has done it thus far offline, but I do enjoy deeper discussions this style generates.

I will explain later what my thoughts were when writing this piece and what it means to me. As many of you are already aware, I have never been one to not speak my mind or show my inner self when the time was appropriate.

Today, I was taking a nap. As I was emerging from my nap due to some very loud sounds, a very tiny thought crossed my mind. I laid there thinking upon it and kicked it around a little. I then got up when I knew I would not lose the thought, as dreams or post sleep dreams/thoughts tend to do and started writing.

Next thing I knew, I had 5 pages filled in my notebook. I then started putting it on the laptop and editing. I glanced at my watch and 3 hours had passed!

The draft posted here has been through only one edit. It is about as raw as I have ever shared. I felt good about it, did not want to lose it and felt I needed to display it for what it is as it was written with much emotion and gusto. So I quickly placed it here so as not to fall into the trap of closing the notebook or ever sharing it due to lost confidence in it, or whatever.

Anyways, the private correspondence thus far has been nice and I look forward to any and all discussion.

[Eydawn]

You can post the email I sent you... I'll let you make that judgment.

I feel like the wall means something about your relationships to your family... first your mother and father, and then your own children. But you never bring it forward with enough detail through "showing" us them, you mostly "tell" us how you feel and even then, mostly that you feel drawn to this wall. It's a great first draft and I really dig that you shared it with us... and I agree, there is something deep in there, but it's still lurking behind something and hasn't really poked its head out yet.

Way to go!

Wendy

CO EMT-B

[ccmedoc]

=D> =D> =D>

Very nice writing, indeed. I will have to read it a bit more to grasp the whole thing, as it seems to hold a deeper, more personal meaning than just 'a wall'. Sometimes I wish things were that simple in this life. But then all would be taken for granted.

I find it interesting how your vision of 'the wall' changes over time. I get the feeling that this is an intensely personal story that, although very descriptive, the reader will never truly know the feelings involved. This is as it should be. If this is not the case, touche'.

Rest assured, I will read it again when I have more time and post again. You deserve the well thought out opinion you asked for, and this is good writing that begs a more in depth reading and some thought be put forth.

At any rate, this is very good writing. Very interesting, personal and a pleasure to read. I applaud your style..

[DwayneEMTP]

...but thanks for your input as short as it was.

Man, if I had a nickle.....