So lets talk marital difficulties....

[Eydawn]

I would also take into consideration that you guys just moved to AZ... moving cross-country can also produce a lot of stress. Have you guys had a long sit-down talk, honest about what's bothering you or why things feel different? I had one of those with my fellow last night... and just hearing that there's reasoning behind the irritation helps a great deal. Also... how is he adjusting health-wise? That can also be a stressor.

I would also advocate seeing a counselor. A good counselor facilitates communication and teaches you to find the solution within yourself... a good counselor doesn't TELL you how to solve issues in any relationship, but helps to guide you through your own process of finding the solution.

Good luck to you, Lady... I know it's not easy.

Wendy

CO EMT-B

[crotchitymedic1986]

I meant no new TOPIC posts -- I am still here. And this is real life -- not scenario world.

[KeriEMTAZ]

I am nearly done with my divorce. It will be finalized on Tuesday. I know that my job had nothing to do with my decision to file for divorce. My Ex is just a jerk! (putting it politely)

KeriEMT

[WolfmanHarris]

An EMS instructor I know is about to get divorced for the second time. He hasn't been on the road for years after busting his back and I don't know how his first marriage ended, but his second one is ending thanks to his sleeping with his secretary. Don't think EMS had much to do with that.

[Just Plain Ruff]

I have been in two fields that have high infidelity rates. EMS and travelling consulting.

EMS is sometimes labeled the bad guy because you are with a partner(usually of the opposite sex) 24 hours or 12 hours and that to your spouse is very threatening especially when the spouse may have low self esteem. Many times I have had to sit down with my partners spouse or significant other and discuss how things are and that I'd never do anything to jeopardize MY marriage let alone theirs. After those talks the spouse or sig other feels better and is less threatened.

Sometimes not. I had a partner one time whose husband would follow us out on calls, follow us pretty much anywhere and in the end we had to get different partners in order for her husband to not be so damn insecure. She ended up being fired when her husband started to confront the patients asking them questions.

As for travelling consultants - you are out of town 4 days a week, no-one knows you where you are at so there is tremendous opportunity to get a little action on the side. I can say proudly that I never did anything like that. I feel that my wife trusted me enough to not think I was cheating on her each time that I left to go to massachussetts, florida or wherever. I'm not saying I didn't have the chance I just chose to ignore any temptations.

What you choose to do with your partner when you are working with him or her is your choice, there is no-one else that you have to blame if something happens. If it does then it is your FAULT not anyone elses.

I am not chastising anyone here but the warning is there. You have to be mature enough to handle your relationships at work and for those of you out there who do indulge in an extramarital affair then that's just wrong.

Your husband needs to really understand what your job entails and one way to have him deal with the emotions that he is feeling which he undoubtedly is feeling threatened is to get him to know your partner and let him see that nothing will come between you and your hubby.

If you let your marriage falter without working on getting it fixed then you are bound to be on the lookout for hubby #4. This is not something that you want at least I get the feeling it isn't.

I have always looked at it this way, If the shoe was on the other foot how would I react and then I would address those feelings.

good luck and god speed.

[toutdoors]

The only marital difficulties in EMS or fire, or police is the marriage itself. Just kidding. My first wife was way too insecure to feel comfortable with me working shift work. I never did work the ambulance side while married to her, that would have been way worse. On our dept, at that time, there were two women on the whole dept. (Now we are down to 1) She thought I would sleep with one or the other. Not even in my most drunken stupor would I have done such a thing, not to be a hard case here, but neither one of them are attractive in the least bit.

My current wife is 180 degrees out of alignment than my first wife. She is fun to be around, has a good sense of humor, and trusts me. I also trust her. Fire, EMS, PD; all of these careers can bring out the best, or the worst in our spouses, it actually will show you their true character faster than the more "normal" work/business careers that others have. There are times that my wife and I hang out with some of the female medic partners I work with, as well as some of the male medics and other firefighters. This has helped her understand how we all interact, and that we kind of treat eachother like brothers and sisters, the nicknames, bringing up an embarassing moment type of thing.

I feel truly lucky to have the woman that I have, sometimes she even lets me catch a power nap when I get home if she knows I was up all night on runs. Then again if the basement needs cleaning I am up a creek.

I tried to read that Mars/Venus book after my divorce; it was some of the most painful reading I endured. Never even finished the book, I don't even remember what it talked about, but at the time it was making no sense to me. Maybe it was too touchy feely for me, who knows.

Best of luck in your marriage though.

[itku2er]

Kaisu Sorry about your problems dear, But honestly divorce happens to any profession EMS doesn't have the exclusive rights to that one. Some times it is the fact that partners sleep around or sleep with someone in the dept itself. But some times it boils down to lack of communication and the lack of understanding on the partner that isn't in the field. I truly believe that to understand all EMS stands for and means to the ones of us that are in the field you have to experience it for yourself. How can a non EMS person truly understand the sacrifices we make, the stress we undergo and the heartache we feel if they have never experienced those feelings? I hope thing work out for you cause personally I think you are one hell of a person and deserve the very best that life has to offer. Just hang tough if you want it to work make it work do all you can do to make it work, but you cant loose you in the process. You have to be true to yourself before you can be true to someone else. But you will get it you are like so many of us YOU ARE ONE TOUGH BIRD!! My divorce had nothing to do with EMS or Nursing either for that matter like keri he was the king of all asses but that is a different story in itself.

(personal note: sorry I missed your phone call my cell is having major male issues! But I plan on fixing that one real soon. You know I am here for you anytime *that is if my cell will stop being a PIMA and give me a break!* I know that made you smile )

[cynical_as_hell]

Has not hurt my marriage. 2009 will be our 20th anniversary. EMS became my mistress many years ago but my wife knows I am faithful to her and trusts me. I think to often trust issues play a huge part, either the EMS person worrys about what spouse does while gone and vice versa. Plus some can not leave there EMS family when off duty so their real family suffers and that can cause divisions that grow. When off duty it is me and my family. I do not spend all day talking/texting the people I work with, that time belongs to my family. We spend quality time, and I get lots of honey do time which I could do without so much but thats another thread.

first congrats spenac to you and your other half- that is quite an accomplishment in today's society.

second: kaisu, spenac is correct in his post. EMS does have a tremendously high divorce rate. It's extremely hard to have a healthy relationship with someone who is not in the EMS field. Part of that has to do with the hours we work, and us switching to 48's may or may not contribute to that, part has to deal with our other half feeling ignored or unimportant when we go an entire set without talking to them because we are getting our ass' handed to us running back to back calls. Another factor could be the things we are forced to see, treat, and deal with. I'm certain that there has been some calls that you have thought about at home, but declined to discuss with your other half. Part of that is because we as EMS'ers feel that the other party will not or could not possibly understand what we are feeling or what we have seen. I believe that part of the reason we stray from our other halves is because the hours we spend at work allow us to bond with our coworkers. sometimes that bonding leads to much more.

all you can do is find your balance between home life and work life. it does sometimes make it easier when your other half is in the field as well, but even that has its demons. you and i have already discussed that most people may as well have split personality disorder considering that who we are at work is not neccassarily who we are at home. Best of luck to you sweetie and you know i have your back.

But why you are on your third could be any number of reasons, maybe none related to EMS.

[Christopher.Collins]

Kaisu, sorry to hear about your situation. I hope that you guys can work things out.

Ultimatley I think there are far to many variables to answer a question as to if EMS can effect a marrage or relationship. Short answer yes. Breaking it down... not nessecarilly.

I dated a girl who was hell bent on insisting that all I do in my proffesion is drive. That I have no right to complain about work related stress because my job is easy. That I wouldnt know what work related stress is. Yep, she works at fu*king WalMart!

Ive been in EMS for 5 years... active for maybe 4 1/2 of the 5 and been married for 3 months now. My wife and I have a bit of a rocky relationship and have dated on and off for 2 years prior to our recent marrage. She knows all to well my dedication to what I do. Twice I have helped her mother (may she rest in peace) during altered mental status episodes one involving an overdose of pain killers (for the life of me I cant even remember what it was, just that its morphine x10). And a couple of times I have helped her as well. Never actually treated them in an ambulance as I would not allow myself to be the primary tech on such call, but untill EMS arrived I acted in my scope of practice. Theres alot she would never understand, like that whole brotherhood thing... but she knows I dont just drive.

[Freaknuggetz_chick]

i am spoiled bloody rotten with the marriage i have. but ems has caused strains. we've been together for over 10 years now, and he has seen me through school and now bizzare calls, death after death after death, bad calls, gory calls that make me laugh, and so much more. most of what we do he does understand, but can never fathom how we can do. he appreciates that theres people who want to work ems, just wishes at times that i wasnt one.... he worries, because our jobs often place us in danger (whether from patients or simply from road conditions), because i dont always get to sleep/rest well, because i dont always get to eat properly. and then theres the hours. i live at work 6 days in a row, and hopefully i get to live at home when i get my 6 days off. unfortuneately we dont live in the same town i work.

communication is what has kept us together. there have been times where he's been frustrated that i get home and i'm just not romantic... but we talk, and he understands. and there have been times where i felt he didnt understand how i can be joking about calls, and i explain its because sometimes we have to, or we break down. either way, we talk.

unfortuneately we moved in the last couple years, and all my good friends have been through work, which means when we get together we talk shop. bad bad habit. so, myself and my coworkers/friends try very hard to not talk shop when he's around, and he does appreciate it.

we've had many other stressors throughout our relationship of course. but ems, and now i've joined local fire dept, are big ones. but he sees the passion when i talk about it. we also have a great deal of trust in one another, and do not have the partner/spouse issues that can arise.

sit down, and talk. nothing can be resolved while in ignorance.