The chili judge meets the Paramedics

[island emt]

Author unknown

THE GREAT NEW MEXICO CHILI COOK OFF

If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in New Mexico .

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better.

For those of you who have lived in New Mexico , you know how true this is. They actually have a Chile Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Santa Fe Plaza .

Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chile taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield , IL .

Frank: 'Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I

Happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Beer truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the

Other two judges (Native New Mexicans; from Hatch, NM no doubt) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3.'

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILE # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILE

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These New Mexicans freaking are crazy.

CHILE # 2 - EL RANCHO'S AFTERBURNER CHILE

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILE # 3 - ALFREDO'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILE

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get

Me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from all

Of the beer.

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a Chile.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb.woman is starting to look HOT .. Just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is Chile an aphrodisiac?

CHILE # 5 - SIMON'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Jalapeno peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chile using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her Chile had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.

CHILE # 6 - VARGAS'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

CHILE # 7 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chile peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about judge number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds

like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chile, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my

shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any

oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILE # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILE

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chile. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chile pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chile?

Judge # 3 -- No further report.

[Adam Swartz]

"I was crying by the end" My sentiments as welllll.... I really feel for judge 3. Did He die?

[Richard B the EMT]

There is a meat turnover pastry from the island of Jamaica called a Beef Pattie. It can come in a really spicy variety.

My parents went on vacation in Jamaica, and my mom, who had previously eaten the item here in New York, ordered an extra spicy one, presuming in the home country, it would be an experience.

They must have wanted to protect the tourists, as what she reportedly got, was so mild, the commercially frozen regular ones here in New York were stronger by comparison.

[HERBIE1]

That's some funny stuff. I had to stop reading for a moment to wipe the tears!

[chbare]

The Hatch chili festival is a true event however. It is neat to drive through the town during the fall and see houses that have the roof full of chili peppers drying in the sun. The smell of roasting chili peppers is an experience as well. Only one point of contention however. For all of the hype regarding "Hatch" chili, they do not actually process and can the chili in Hatch. That occurs at border foods in Deming, about an hour drive from Hatch. Useless knowledge, I know.

Take care,

chbare.

[HERBIE1]

The Hatch chili festival is a true event however. It is neat to drive through the town during the fall and see houses that have the roof full of chili peppers drying in the sun. The smell of roasting chili peppers is an experience as well. Only one point of contention however. For all of the hype regarding "Hatch" chili, they do not actually process and can the chili in Hatch. That occurs at border foods in Deming, about an hour drive from Hatch. Useless knowledge, I know.

Take care,

chbare.

Edgerton Wisconsin has a local chili fest- big for the town, but not all that big. I had some of the spiciest chili I could ever imagine there- all homemade, obviously. Having a full beer at all times is a MUST at these events.

Tons of fun, but I could have done without the GI issues later...

[mpj484]

That was a good one. I will be chuckling about this all day.Thank you

[wrmedic82]

judge 3....weak