My fatal flaw

[devilduckie]

I'm hiding behind a user name. I'm not an open person. I've been doing this for a while now, not that I've seen, done or know it all. But I've been around the block more than once. I'm just going to get right down to it. Recently, a lot of the patients I've treated over the years, have been dying. Not from my care, that is, but from age and illness. I noticed that I've been deeply affected by some of their deaths. Not that I'm afflicted by it, but it gets more and more difficult.

The fatal flaw, I've always thought, that we've been given as small town EMS providers was that a high percentage of our patients, we know personally. I've treated my family, my parents, aunts, cousins, good friends, neighbors and elders that I've known all my life. This happens on almost a daily basis, there are very few calls, where I don't know the patient by name. Sure, I've been told it's comforting, having familiar faces show up in a time of crisis. It's not comforting to me. I hear the tones, and then the name, and the problem. and the worse it is, the better I know them, the more it takes out of me.

This all came about a few days ago, when I began to feel what I self diagnose as the symptoms of an ulcer. I'm not one to focus on myself, and I hate doctors - for personal use anyway. Ha ha. Anyhow, first a regular patient, always in terrible pain, and nothing was ever able to be done to comfort her. The last time I took her, I held her hand the whole way, and talked to her, and she thanked me for helping her forget her pain for a while.

Then, I seen she died. Then another patient, always greatful, someone I knew my whole life, dead. Then another, my first best friend as a child, had cancer, dead. Then two more, one in such a tragic manner. Conflicts, personal and in the field are bouncing around. I love it so much, I love to do what I can for people, whether by medical care, or something that I can give personally, a little bit of myself. I find that I give, but I don't put it back, I bottle it up, and take the next call, and the next. Giving what I can to try to help with pain, physical or mental, whether it's touch, listening or a pep talk to try and get into the field of trust for someone that's troubled and just needs some help.

I was taught by some sincerely old school guys, both how to be a good, modern EMT; but to give the qualities that the service was built upon so long ago. Compassion, care, professionalism, time, personality, etc. I was taught to not just give aid, but to give each person a little bit of myself, to add some personal touch to the care I render, to make our care more affective. I find that the patients feel more comfortable, and calm down more, with me, than some of the other personnel.

I take it very personally, and I'm a sore loser. That's my fatal flaw. Well, I just felt like spilling something out, maybe I'd feel less tense.

[crotchitymedic1986]

Would you be feeling any different about their deaths if you were the towns garbage man ? When friends die, it hurts, no matter what profession you are in. But you have defined some of the problems of working where you live. I always cringed when they toned out an accident with entrapment when i knew my teens were out on dates. But there is also some benefit to working where you live: no commute, close to home if something happens, you are usually more dedicated when you work where you live, and I dont know that not knowing the patients makes their death any easier.

But with that being said, if you have developed an ulcer, you need to make some changes. See a counselor or change employers. I know someone who lost 40lbs and was diagnosed with MS, he retired from EMS and all his symptoms disappeared within two weeks, he didnt have MS, he was just too stressed by his job.

[itku2er]

I think you need some help for that ULCER you self diagnosed. But I know where you are coming from I also live in a very small town everyone knows everyone and for the most part they are your family. If it is causing you this much torment and you are thinking about and its effecting you. You need to get some professional help or you need to take a break from EMS for a bit. You can love your love and love what you do but if it is eating you up inside then you are eventually going to end up hurting one of the patients maybe not intentionally but your mind will be so focused on things that you have tunnel vision. There is nothing wrong with seeking help reguardless of who it is a coworker a paid professional your paster or preist. Take a vacation by yourself to think. If you say I dont have for a vaction I may punch you. But you need some YOU time to think about the job you are doing and if it is worth the risk to your own health to help others.

Just my two cents take as you wish.

and BTW welcome to EMT CITY.

terr

[Just Plain Ruff]

My father in law just passed away on Wednesday. I was the 2nd unit on that night. The primary crew is a crew I trust implicitly. Excellent 2 paramedics.

When they got there, they called for a 2nd unit and I was all ready to go but they said do not send Michael as this is his father in law and a nurse/medic on duty took the call. There was nothing to be done for my father in law but the two medics worked him for over 30-40 minutes.

This was my most dreaded scenario as not only is it a family member but it was my wife's father.

I was then surrepticiously(sic) kicked out of the ER to get out to my family's house to comfort the wife and sons.

So I know what the original poster is going thru.

[Richard B the EMT]

This is not only in the small towns.

Most everyone in EMT City knows I live and work in a section of New York City, even when I was strictly an EMS "volly".

If you work any district, for a long period, you get to know a lot of folks. Some will be repeat "customers", due to true need, others, the BS "frequent flyer" calls, but you get to know folks in the 'hood, and they will know you.

When one of the local street intox people died, the beat cop actually said that without him to watch over a particular wall, it would get graffitied up. Regrettably, the cop called it.

It is a part of extended EMS life.

If there is someone to talk with, talk with them, or get the referral to do so. If it is affecting you, do something, or it will build a lot of tension within you, and who knows when it might cause some kind of emotional explosion, and, as per Mr. Murphy's "Laws", it will happen at the worst possible time.

Fatal Flaw? No. It just shows that you are human.