What not to do with a tazer

[Just Plain Ruff]

If your thinking of getting a Tazer for your wedding anniversary. THINK AGAIN ………… J

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased

his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked

my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking

for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was

a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer

were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on

your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it

home.. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the

button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I

pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same

time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth

between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on

the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it

couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There

I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting

little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I

really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I

must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second)

and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going

to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I

did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading

glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one

hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst

would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was

supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a

three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the

ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds

would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5"

long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and

(load

ed with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself,

'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but

I'll do my best.. .?

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one

side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second

burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I

decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I

touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . .

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . .

WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me

up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and

over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal

position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on

fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my

body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was

making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture

frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid

getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one

note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you

zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged

from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three

second burst would be considered conservative?

IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at

that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and

surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of

the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from

where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were

still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain,

and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my

sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which

I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm

offering a significant reward for their safe return!

P.S... My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the

gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid

[Lone Star]

..... and people wonder why stupid people shouldn't multiply!

[celticcare]

its 1 am, I am in my flat trying to keep quiet cause my room mate is going to be on parade for ANZAC day tomorrow and I am stifling laughter so much from this story, thanks for posting lol.

[firedoc5]

Oh, those memories that bind loved one's together.

[Richard B the EMT]

I wonder if it is some kind of statement as to what kind of marriage he is in, when you remember he was looking for a wedding anniversary gift in a store selling firearms.

Oh, as I didn't know what ANZAC Day was, per the Wikipedia...

Anzac Day is a national public holiday in Australia and New Zealand, and is commemorated by both countries on 25 April every year to honour members of the Australian and New Zealand Army Corps (ANZAC) who fought at Gallipoli in Turkey during World War I. Anzac Day is also observed in the Cook Islands, Niue, Samoa and Tonga.Anzac Day is a national public holiday in Australia and New Zealand, and is commemorated by both countries on 25 April every year to honour members of the Australian and New Zealand Army Corps (ANZAC) who fought at Gallipoli in Turkey during World War I. Anzac Day is also observed in the Cook Islands, Niue, Samoa and Tonga.

[Adam Swartz]

IT HURTS............ WOw what an IDIOT. Wonder if he is in Iowa? IOWA = Idiots out wandering around.

[Jeepluv77]

Wonder where I can get a hold of one of those...

[Retread]

Wonder where I can get a hold of one of those...

Under no circumstances should she be allowed in 11' of anyone including herself with one of them infernal instruments.

[Eydawn]

A relationship that is perfectly loving and intelligent would be one where firearms are a purchase for a special day... my fiance and I bought a Ruger 22 rifle for Valentine's day...

I bet Mr. Taser was a Boy Scout. Sounds like something a few Scouts I know would do...

Wendy

CO EMT-B

[Richard B the EMT]

OK, now, a quickie quiz:

What is the origin of the name "TASER"?

(I'm kind of thinking the young'uns won't know, but I might be wrong)

Edited May 4, 2009 by Richard B the EMT