Something one of my buddies cooked up while being bored in the system

[wrmedic82]

Bad Advice Man takes a transfer

Disclaimer - For those who know, and those who don't, Bad Advice Man and DG are completely imaginary characters. These stories have no basis in reality and are completely made up. There is no chance ever that you or anyone you ever have or will know has or had anything even remotely similar occur. Even if you THINK you know who and what they refer to, you don't... Attempted duplication of any event in any BAM story is likely to get you fired, thrown in jail, or shot.... or some combination thereof... you get the point.

That being said....

...........................

It was a beautiful spring day. The sky was blue, the temperature was perfect, and the flowers were blooming. It was a perfect day to be at the lake.

Unfortunately, dispatch thought it was a better day for a transfer.

"Medic 34, copy call"

Bad Advice Man, EMT-P and Delusions Galore, EMT ignore the squaking contraption mounted in the console and continue their safety check of the local park.... Apparantly college had gotten out early that day... and tan had become the new black.

"Medic 34, copy call"

EMT Galore grudgingly grabbed the mic... "Hi, you have reached Medic 34... we aren't in right now, but if you will leave your name, number, and a short message, we will get back with you later.... "

"Medic 34, you have a call" the black box squaked back.

DG didn't miss a beat. "The unit you have called... Medic 3...4 has been changed... The new number is unlisted at the crews request..."

Bad Advice Man sets down his 50x binoculars to check his pager. "Very funny.... " which was immediately followed by the call information.

Luckily, this one would be an appropriate use of BAM's years of experience, a real call requiring thought, medicine, differential diagnosis, and skill. "P-5, Physician's hospital going back to Southern Care Center.... DX - r/o fever"

Medic 34 arrived on scene with exactly 3.2 seconds to spare before it became a delayed response and checked on scene. Rolling in with an empty cot made the ER staff extatic, and, of course, allowed just a little extra time to socialize before the long ride to the 4th floor.

As our heros passed the nurses station on 4 east, they heard what could only be discribed as snickering. The cot stopped.

"What's so funny?" BAM asked.

Nurse Kelly smiled. "Oh... nothing..... your patient is in 423" She handed the dictionary of useless paper to BAM and signed the "Astonishing Contraption of Silliness" on behalf of the patient.

The room was standard decor de hospital, white with hints of poo-green and vomit yellow, the simulated wood-grain formica furniture laden with bins and paste and other accessories. Through the window, BAM gazed longingly at the park he had just left and then turned to the patient who was laying, head elevated with her fists clenched.

"Well hello!" BAM said with a cheery voice.

The patient replied the only way she could. "You're standing there..... You're standing there.... You're standing there..... You're standing there.... You're standing there..... You're standing there...."

The repetition continued over and over....

... and over again....

"Yes I am" BAM responded.

Ms. Jones (the patient) clenched her fists tighter, pumping them with each short sentence.... "Yes I am.... Yes I am... Yes I am...."

EMT Galore stated the obvious. "Wow, that's like Steven Hawking arguing with a talking clock..."

As BAM turned toward his partner, in walked the lovely and talented Nurse Betty, obviously to give report. (This WAS after all, a transfer of patient care).

"Yes I am.... Yes I am... Yes I am...."

"Well hello Nurse Betty" BAM said with a smile.

"Yes I am.... Yes I am... Yes I am...."

Nurse Betty looked into BAM's eyes and in a way that was somewhat... different... than normal... "Hi BAM .... Hi DG..." She never took her eyes off Bad Advice Man.

"Yes I am.... Yes I am... Yes I am...."

As she moved forward, Bad Advice Man felt that spring might be getting the best of him. The repetative sounds of the patient were gone... His attention completely taken by the angel in blue scrubs. Nurse Betty moved slower, almost slinking as she approached the bed. Their eyes never broke contact as she came closer. It was hard to ignore her presence in any room, but this time it was the details... the way she moved, the way she was smiling, the look in her eyes..... BAM made a mental reminder to stay professional...

The smallness of the room only placed emphasis on how close she came to him, their bodies nearly touching... her piercing green eyes burning into him... She turned her head just slightly sideways and leaned into him... her lips opened and she whispered two words...

"Watch this...."

Nurse Betty turned to Ms. Jones. "Rock-N-Roll"

It was at that instant that BAM was completely cured of his spring fever... and, for the time being, his thoughts of Nurse Betty... It was as if the room had been transformed into a KISS concert, where Ms. Jones was the only spectator.

"Rock-N-Roll! Rock-N-Roll! Rock-N-Roll! Rock-N-Roll! Rock-N-Roll! Rock-N-Roll! Rock-N-Roll! Rock-N-Roll!...." The patient continued, yelling the phrase without end... "Rock-N-Roll! Rock-N-Roll! Rock-N-Roll! Rock-N-Roll! Rock-N-Roll! Rock-N-Roll! Rock-N-Roll! Rock-N-Roll!...."

"Have fun!" Nurse Betty said as she left the room... BAM realized that the look in Betty's eyes had been one of deviance... And, for some reason, he found himself not surprised....

Holding in their laughter, BAM and DG lifted the patient to their cot, timing the movement to the pumping of 84 year old fists... "Rock-N-Roll! Rock-N-Roll! Rock-N-Roll! Rock-N-Roll!...."

DG lead the way as they rolled down the hallway toward the elevator....

"Rock-N-Roll! Rock-N-Roll! Rock-N-Roll! Rock-N-Roll!...." Ms. Jones never gave up on the last encore....

BAM waved politely at the nurses on the way by.. "Thank's guys.... Thanks a lot..."

EMT galore turned quickly toward the desk as a doctor actually fell out of his chair in a fit of laughter.

During the ride down, Paramedic BAM considered the options for the return to the nursing home.

DG, on the other hand was less helpful. "Gimme a beer" He said to Ms. Jones.

"Gimme a beer! Gimme a beer! Gimmie a beer!...."

Bad Advice Man became acutely aware of the patient's conditon... Unfortunately, so did DG.

The walk through the ED was considerably less social. "Gimme a beer! Gimme a beer! Gimmie a beer!....

Gimme a beer! Gimme a beer! Gimmie a beer!...."

Again, another laughter related injury. BAM realized that remaining in a public area would result in an unexplainable MCI.

Loaded in the MICU, DG decided to drive the short trip to SCC.... but that didn't keep him from interacting with the patient. "Ozzy rules!" he yelled to the back.

"Ozzy Rules! Ozzy Rules! Ozzy Rules..."

BAM knew he had approximately 5 minutes to come up with a solution... that wouldn't involve a complaint... and DG wasn't helping.

"Dude, give me a break here!" BAM shouted to his partner.

"Give me a break here! Give me a break here! Give me a break here! Give me a break here! ..."

DG didn't agree on the care plan... "SLAYER!" he yelled back.

"Slay-er! Slay-er! Slay-er!...."

Bad Advice Man tried to control the situation... "Shut the F up DG!"

"Shut the F up DG! Shut the F up DG! Shut the F up DG! Shut the F up DG! ...."

BAM realized the severity of the situation and explained it to DG... (as if he didn't know already) "Dude, cut it out... we are gonna get fired...."

Delusions Galore agreed, if only because he understood that "Park Safety Checks" were slightly less cool when you are unemployed...

Bad Advice Man weighed all his options... He couldn't change the patient's condition or take her back to the hospital... Finally, he thought "What can I get her to say that won't get me fired?...."

He looked Ms. Jones in the eyes and said with authority: "I'm hungry"

"I'm hungry! I'm hungry! I'm hungry! I'm hungry! I'm hungry! I'm hungry..." A weight lifted from our heros as they checked out at the nursing home....

Rolling inside and up the elevator, Ms. Jones continued saying her mantra: "I'm hungry! I'm hungry! I'm hungry! I'm hungry! I'm hungry! I'm hungry!"

Entering the room, they moved quickly, transfering her to her bed... BAM and DG both hinted about the hospital... "Must not have given her lunch... Been this way since we got there... I'm kinda hungry myself...."

It worked....

BAM and DG moved quickly (without being too obvious) to the elevator... The discussed what they were going to have for lunch, and later for dinner....

In the background, Ms. Jones never stopped... "I'm hungry! I'm hungry! I'm hungry! I'm hungry! I'm hungry! I'm hungry!"

With the code entered in the keypad, BAM and DG waited nervously for their escape capsule...

From the end of the hall: "I'm hungry! I'm hungry! I'm hungry....."

"Ping!" The elevator chimed as the elevator arrived on their floor.

As the door opened, in the distance, they heard what was, quite possibly, the loudest yell ever heard in a nursing home....

"ROCK AND ROLL!"

Pushing the cot inside, the elevator door closed to the sound of running footsteps... the kind made by 120kg of pressure in oversided "nurse shoes"... followed by banging on the exterior door of the elevator as they decended....

... BAM and DG made their egress to the MICU with record efficiency... as if they were Secret Service Agents protecting the Presidential Cot.... Getting ready for the next call would have to wait.... until they were around the block... behind a building.... and under a tree....

... DG stated the obvoious... "That was close.... " as he turned on the FM radio...

And with serendipity that can only be explained by a room full of nerds versed in chaos theory, a song started on the radio....

".... I.... Wanna Rock-n-Roll all night..... "