"Pun"demonium

[Richard B the EMT]

My canine, like myself, is disappointed nobody else seems to be playing this string. She walked away from the computer, Dog-gone it.

[Lone Star]

My canine, like myself, is disappointed nobody else seems to be playing this string. She walked away from the computer, Dog-gone it.

Yeah, my kitten thinks it's a 'cat'astrophe.

[Richard B the EMT]

I drove a friend and his dying cat to the veterinarian. He told my buddy that it was too late, but my friend insisted he do something. The vet walked away for a moment.

A Labrador Retriever walked into the room, circled the examining table, and walked out. Then a Siamese cat did the same.

The vet then came back into the room, and gave my friend a bill for $400.

"You're charging me $400 for declaring my cat dead?" fumed my friend.

The vet replied, "Yes, and for the 'Lab' test and the 'cat' scan".

[Richard B the EMT]

There was a small Caribbean island, where the law stated all children born there had to be officially named for the records within 24 hours of birth, and sexist as it was, had to be named by the father, or another close male family member.

A man's wife went into labor, but he was 48 hours away. His brother went to the hospital with the woman, but this man was a notorious joker and punster. The father of the baby was terrified with what would happen.

When the father made it to the hospital, he found his wife in tears. "What happened?" asked the father. "What of my wife and baby has happened?"

Through her tears, the wife told her husband that she was all right, but it was not one baby, but twins, a girl and a boy. Both survived birth, and were actually quite well.

The husband asked, "what are their names? I wasn't here, and my brother, their uncle..."

"That's why I am crying. He named them."

"What did he name them?"

"The girl is 'Denise'."

"Is that why you are crying?"

"No. It is what he named the boy."

"He named the boy..."

"He named the boy 'DeNephew'!"

[Lone Star]

Richard,

Your friend, the fool, has decided to go into the animal breeding field. He told me that he crossed a giraffe and a german shepherd.

When I asked him why he even considered such a move, he said he was looking to go into the security business on the side; and wanted a watchdog for the 4th floor.

[Richard B the EMT]

Would you say that a motor home (RV) should never be parked on a steep hill? It will leave if it is so inclined.

Would you say that Victoria's Secret always seems to be having a sale? All of the lingerie looks like it's 90 per cent off.

Would you say that a shy person suffers from "Hi" anxiety?

I've heard myself defined as being an "Oil Gusher": crude and unrefined.

[Lone Star]

Church Incense: holy smoke

Corporate Virgin: She no's everybody

If a pig loses it's voice, is it 'disgruntled'?

If a priest is 'defrocked', and a lawyer is 'disbarred'; shouldn't an electrician be 'delighted'?

If a concert paiano player is a 'pianist', and the person who gives you a maniacure is a manicurist; shouldn't a race car driver actually be called a 'racist'?

[Richard B the EMT]

The music teacher was telling her student saxophone players how to attach the neck strap to the instrument in prevention of it accidentally falling and breaking. A student asked the teacher if that was "practicing 'Safe Sax'".

There's actually too many music students in one school, and it's causing trouble. Seems that there is too much Sax and Violins (sex and violence) in the school.

[Richard B the EMT]

A Las Vegas firefighter got hurt in a multiple alarm, and was transported to the ER at Columbia Sunrise Hospital, where he got stitches, and a Tetanus booster injection.

You can imagine the looks of those reading the accident report, on reading that he got "6 stitches and shot at Sunrise".

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The TGI Friday's restaurant I sometimes frequent offers, at slight additional cost, steak "smothered in mushrooms, green peppers and onions, in a Jack Daniels sauce."

The waiter, trying to sell it to a customer who just wanted a basic steak, asked if he wanted the sirloin "smothered".

"I don't care how you kill it, just as long as it's dead!"

Edited March 6, 2010 by Richard B the EMT

[Lone Star]

"I don't care how you kill it, just as long as it's dead!"

I'm thinking this gives a whole new connotation to the term 'hand rubbed steak'......

When I was doing my ER rotations for EMT-I, we had a local police officer that was brought in because he had inadvertently been bitten by a canine officer while apprehending a suspect.

I'm sure you can imagine all the 'ass jokes' that were being tossed around.

When he left, the officer expressed that it was a 'good thing' he was leaving, because he was tired of being the "butt of everybody's jokes"....

*Edited to add content*

Edited March 6, 2010 by Lone Star