How did you handle your first lost?

[Deckmo]

My first loss, I did not even know they were gone, had basic first aid training and was JR on the fire district. Responded to a man with chest pains, talked to him for some time as the funeral based ambulance came from about 25 miles away. I placed the old E & J on him and waited for the ambulance, it was 1968 and I was about 16. That and the others did not bother me. As a paragod in the 70's the codes of any age did not bother me.

However, in 1994 I was working a rural ambulance station in our system. We responded to a head-on MVA on a rural road at about 0630. The were 3 trapped and a total of 8 patients. Four were class I (critical trauma) and other were class II (not as bad). No one but for a state trooper was responding with us. After arriveal we called for fire, ground, and air ambulance support. I was working with a good EMT partner and she was working the unresponsive mother (bagging her in sitting position) that was trapped with her two daughters. I started working the girls. One of the girls was 8 years old and talking to me until we got her out (about 45 minutes later).

To make it short I got all three intubated, boarded, IVs, before the first back up unit or air ambulance arrived (three air units responded). As we returned to the station to clean up and restock our unit (we never transport a patient) my supervisor got a phone call. She came over to me to tell me the all three coded in the air (only one patient per air unit) before arrival at the hospital (mom, the two girls 8 and 10).

Thats when, for the first time in all those year that I lost it. That was the first time that it hurt. Now I look at it all very differently. I have many more today that are like my first.

[bamamedic44]

I have been a paramedic for 8 years now,,I work for a very busy company. I have lost many patients during my time in the field,some of them I remember like it was yesterday,some of them I don't remember at all.

Not just anyone can do this job,we walk a fine line between reality and crazy I think. You have to do the job the best you can and you cant take it home with you. You have to be able to find humor as well. The best part is I have my fellow paramedics I can turn too,they all understand how it feels to lose a patient,to save one,the frustrations that come with this job,if it weren't for them I wouldn't have lasted this long.Burn out is big where I am at,,shifts are long and the call volume is high,the pay sucks and it doesnt look like it is going to get any better anytime soon... Why am I still here,,I love my job,I like making the difference.

One of the hardest loses I have had came only a few weeks ago. Pickup truck versus logging truck,,not a pretty site. He was only 46 yrs old,his son was 14 and was in the truck with him,,we were able to get the son out right away and sent him to the hospital in our other unit...I was with this man for over an hour,,he was trapped in his truck,never thought we would get him cut out of that mess. It was dark,cold,glass everywhere. Did all I could for him while we were tring to cut him out,IV's going,most of the bleeding controlled,o2..most of him was entangled in the metal and we couldn't treat it..He was scared and was talking to me,I knew his name,he asked for mine,I kept him updated with his sons progress. I knew it was very bad,but allowed myself to think he was going to make it..I even started thinking heck,he has lasted this long(over an hour)with extrication.Got him loaded,everything else done enroute to the hospital. 20 mins transfer to hospital,,he was still talking to me,asking about his son. Make it all the way into the trauma room,move him to the ER stretcher,,telling Dr.s all what we have..HE CODED...They worked the code for about 30 mins..I am still standing there in disbelief..

After it was called I went outside to help my partner fix our truck,,I grabbed an IV bag and threw it as far as I could,,I was so mad,,crying the whole time..I didn't know him before that time,but to me it became personal..I had spent almost two hours with this man and lost him anyways..I even asked myself Why am I doing this???? I don't usually get attached to my patients,,you cant afford to do that...I was even thinking,if you are going to die,,don't talk to me just let me do my job(see what lack of sleep can do to you) Not 40 mins later we get another call,,a 4 yr old,something lodged in his throat,,poor little thing is blue and listless,,I made the difference for him...He will be going home to his family.Now I know why I am doing this.....

Sometimes you just cant make the difference but you have to be able to tell yourself you did your very best. Thank god there are others out there that understand this,,if it were not for them I would not be able to make that difference.

[ArcEMT]

I just finished my EMT-B in December and the first person I lost was during my ER time in November. I was kind of surprised that I had no feelings about it.

I checked in with the charge nurse and she told me to wait in Trauma 1 because a gentleman was en route with unknown cardiac problems. The guy collapsed at his desk at work and his co-workers called 911. Co-workers say what they saw as a seizure. When ALS arrived the gentleman was cyanotic with a nearly nonexistent radial pulse and respirations were nearly undetectable. They couldn't get him orally intubated so they did it nasally. On the ride to the ED his pulse came and went. Upon arrival his pulse started to come around but dissipated just as quickly. The ED Doc immediately had me expose the guy. I was then up at the head so I was told to start chest compressions. After doing that for about 40 minutes the guy had already gotten an injection of atropine and epi. The ED Doc wasn't able to get a line started so he had to put it in femorally. After me doing chest compressions one of the other ER Techs put the pads of the AED on and a total of three shocks were given. I then took over ventilating the patient. He was then given another injection of epi. His pulse would start to come around and then slide away after each injection. Same thing would happen with his color. While were were still working him his wife then came in and pleaded with him to comeback because he promised her that he wouldn't leave her alone. After she left we gave him another shock and injection. I then took over squeezing the IV bags, which by the way is really freakin tiring. After working on the gentleman for almost two hours it was called. I had the opportunity to follow this guy from coming in the door all the way to the morgue.

I was surprised how emotionally removed I was from the situation. But I suppose in this line of work it's what has to be done to get the job done. In an intense situation emotions can become a liability and cloud judgment.

[steph1030]

it depends on the person some are just hard people some it doesnt affect other it can haunt you forever my first was my own husband shoulda never worked on him but the ones coverin our crew that night sucked and couoldnt bag properly but it helped me to learn rythym stirps alot better sadly ........the one for a call was an 8 wk old in afib cute plumpy seeet baby perfect child that shoulda lived but didnt .....the guy we had after was a 77 yo drunk pickling himself he survived ....sometimes u need to do what needs done and move on it is hard but we all do it

will it make me a better provider to be hard ?not really it is way you handle things that is what counts

[AnthonyM83]

I was surprised how emotionally removed I was from the situation. But I suppose in this line of work it's what has to be done to get the job done. In an intense situation emotions can become a liability and cloud judgment.

Agreed. It's interesting how the only part of your story that produced an emotional reaction (other than interest in what they did in the ED), was when the wife came in. Families grieving is the only part I have trouble with...everything else doesn't really do anything for me (other than maybe connecting with non-emergent patients on a social/sympathetic level)...if the patient is unresponsive or critical, it all becomes very mechanical for me.

[pinochello1]

The truth is my first lose was hard.

I arrived to find another paramedic all ready on the scene, crying.

I got to the the house and it was filled with police and family members, at first no body aloud me close to the pte, but after a little bit i found a way to calm them down so they would let me try to save him.

I spent 1 hour trying to get him back but he never did return.

I spent 1 week with depresion and did not want to eat or eney thing, but after some time i got back on my feet, i still have this feeling like if i had gotten there maybe 10 minutes earlier maybe he would still be alive.

:?

[ccmedoc]

The truth is my first lose was hard.

I arrived to find another paramedic all ready on the scene, crying.

I got to the the house and it was filled with police and family members, at first no body aloud me close to the pte, but after a little bit i found a way to calm them down so they would let me try to save him.

I spent 1 hour trying to get him back but he never did return.

I spent 1 week with depresion and did not want to eat or eney thing, but after some time i got back on my feet, i still have this feeling like if i had gotten there maybe 10 minutes earlier maybe he would still be alive.

:?

:shock: I'm having a hard time with this....am I the only one?? :-({|=

[Dustdevil]

:shock: I'm having a hard time with this....am I the only one?? :-({|=

Glad I'm not the only one. :?

I kept reading, waiting for the punch line, like it was a kid boiled to death by his mom or something.

[pinochello1]

Glad I'm not the only one. :?

I kept reading, waiting for the punch line, like it was a kid boiled to death by his mom or something.

It has no puch line, i got there late to save some one, i really feel bad about this case.

[Asysin2leads]

Okay I still go ???

Am I missing something? Why was your partner crying?