Family Worries

[uglyEMT]

Hey folks. I have a question that I need some help with and hopefully with all your experience you'll be able to help.

Got home from a bad call last night, went from drill to real call, and found my wife weeping. When I asked what was wrong she said she got worried about me. I asked her why and she said it was because she didn't hear from me and it was going on a long time. I have to clarify that statement.. my wife usually hears my voice over the radio during my calls so she knows I am alright. Well last night I was on scene vs transporting so no radio communications. It was a double mva, multiple patients, looooong extracation in the pouring rain call. My rig was first on scene thus became the donor rig (everything off mine let the others do transport) thus my crew and I were the ones staying on scene during the entire call.

Well I didn't think anything of it, time wise that is. But it apparently caused my wife some anxiety. I tried to explain to her that everything is fine and that my crew and I were fine just no radio communications thats all. Hell wraped up in the backseat of a civic doing head stabilization while they cut the kid out I couldn't use a radio even if I wanted too. Anyways... to my question. How do we help our loved ones understand or cope with our calls. I know we have each other (emt family) to talk with and work things out when we get stressed but what do we do for our families? I haven't had to deal with this side of EMS yet. We got through wierd schedules, we got through training and school. Now we are dealing with the stress at home of real calls, real emotions, real anxiety.

I am happy that my wife thinks of me and my crew while on calls, gives us another set of eyes watching our backs. But the anxiety is new, the worry from not hearing from me. Most times calls are 2 hrs round trip and during that time she will hear me on the radio a few times talking with dispatch, coordinating with the fire cheif, what-have-you. But this time around it was almost 4hrs in bad weather and I wasn't even duty crew that night. I was a training when the tones came out and the Captain sent us all to respond. So she was even more nervous probably by hearing the way we were dispatched.

What do you all do to calm the fears of your loved ones? Not saying they don't or won't worry about us but when those feelings go from normal worrys to anxiety and tears I think I should do something to help my wife through that. If this is normal and happens from time to time with you all then by all means just let me know that and I will learn to just be a shoulder to cry on but if this is something other then that and is experienced by others please let me know how or what I can do to help.

Thanks everyone for any help you can give me with this.

[akflightmedic]

It is a simple fix.

No radios/scanners in the house.

Knowing nothing and going about your daily activities versus knowing just enough to make you worry to the point that is all you can think about and can't leave the radio because there might be a bit more is way more stressful.

Heed my advice.

[gemini1030]

I had a similar incident. My wife and son would listen to the scanner all the time.

I had a call at an MVA and it was crazy. Raining so the SO and FD were in the back of the ambulance we all had to turn radios down and we did not hear dispatch call us. They kind of freaked when we did not answer. I took the scanner away. Even though I work in a different county now that I do not have programmed. I keep it in the car even when I work.

I have told the wife and kids that If I do not answer the phone or respond to texts I must be with a patient. I even changed my voice mail greeting on the cell to say that if I did not answer I am on a call and will call you back. I will not answer a phone while on a call or driving with or without a patient. I always call home when we get back in unless it is really late at night. That helps aleviate the anxiety.

[HERBIE1]

Agreed about not letting the mrs hear a scanner.

The best policy-

Have her call and leave a message on your cell phone. Tell her you will get back to her as soon as you get a chance, but not to worry if you cannot return her call right away. Make it a point of checking your cell after every call.

Reassure her that if something DOES happens to you- god forbid- that someone would notify her immediately. Ensure your service has such a policy, as well as emergency contact numbers on hand for such a situation. Inform her of this fact.

[Eydawn]

If you're on a training that turns into a call, shoot the significant other a text as you leave saying you're gonna be incommunicado until it resolves. And take away the scanner. Absolutely what I would advise as well.

I always worry more about my SAR team when I'm listening to a call that I'm not on than I do when I'm at work and don't have my radio... same damn call, but hearing voices here and there you start to worry... did they make it up the trailhead OK? Is so and so's knee going to go out this run because it's been touchy the last few weeks? Are they ok working this code? Will everyone process it OK after the run?

I don't do that when I'm not listening to the radio and getting snippets of the call... weird, huh?

Fortunately my husband and I are both EMTs. This definitely helps- we both know how this stuff works and not to worry unless you get a phone call from a higher up. I think teaching your wife that no news is really and truly good news will be the way to go.

Wendy

CO EMT-B

[uglyEMT]

Thanks folks. I appreciate the responses. I always leave the phone behind LOL I cant stand having it in back with me and a patient. I do check it when we get back though. As far as the scanner, its actually the squad issued radio at home. Being in a very rural area sometimes our Plextrons don't always go off so we have the radios at home so we actually hear the police dispatches. Its a drawback, I know and I do keep it off when not on duty, but on my duty days its on and the wife listens in.

I will talk with her and help her understand about the no news is good news. I will try and help her understand how we do what we do and also whats going on when we are on call and the reasons we dont answer radios or call in consistantly. I hope to help her understand these things.

As far as emergency contacts, yes our squad has them in place and my wife would be called ASAP.

Keep the replys coming folks, the more I read the more I understand and the better I can help.

Thanks

[HERBIE1]

Thanks folks. I appreciate the responses. I always leave the phone behind LOL I cant stand having it in back with me and a patient. I do check it when we get back though. As far as the scanner, its actually the squad issued radio at home. Being in a very rural area sometimes our Plextrons don't always go off so we have the radios at home so we actually hear the police dispatches. Its a drawback, I know and I do keep it off when not on duty, but on my duty days its on and the wife listens in.

I will talk with her and help her understand about the no news is good news. I will try and help her understand how we do what we do and also whats going on when we are on call and the reasons we dont answer radios or call in consistantly. I hope to help her understand these things.

As far as emergency contacts, yes our squad has them in place and my wife would be called ASAP.

Keep the replys coming folks, the more I read the more I understand and the better I can help.

Thanks

Bring your phone with you, put it on silent or vibrate so you don't get distracted during the call, and as soon as you drop off the patient or clear a scene, check it, and call home if needed. When you leave, if it's portable, maybe you need to grab the scanner too.

[uglyEMT]

Thanks Herbie I ususally leave the phone on the call box at the station, I have seen too many phones get lost or damaged having them in the rig or in a pocket LOL As far as the radio unfortunatly its a base unit, Motorola CDM1550 LS, I usually hit the mute button if I remember as I go out the door but guess my wife likes to listen in LOL

I will just sit down with her. I guess its a learning experience for both of us. We have to learn to understand one another as far as the calls go. Just because its not my voice on the radio (now that I ride in the back usually) or my rig's number calling in (rig 54 where are you? LOL) that its OK, I am OK, and my Crew is OK.

I guess I was just nervous about her. I know alot of folks have told me to watch out for my family members just as much as I watch out for my partners. So I guess this tripped the uh-oh alarm for me. I am just nervous that I am seeing the beginings of an underlying stress problem related to my duties and want to help before it gets too bad. Maybe I looked at the radio thing as being the call for help.

Thanks everyone for responding, it means alot to me and I hope I can help you folks out if ever needed in the future.

Edited April 28, 2010 by UGLyEMT

[HERBIE1]

Thanks Herbie I ususally leave the phone on the call box at the station, I have seen too many phones get lost or damaged having them in the rig or in a pocket LOL As far as the radio unfortunatly its a base unit, Motorola CDM1550 LS, I usually hit the mute button if I remember as I go out the door but guess my wife likes to listen in LOL

I will just sit down with her. I guess its a learning experience for both of us. We have to learn to understand one another as far as the calls go. Just because its not my voice on the radio (now that I ride in the back usually) or my rig's number calling in (rig 54 where are you? LOL) that its OK, I am OK, and my Crew is OK.

I guess I was just nervous about her. I know alot of folks have told me to watch out for my family members just as much as I watch out for my partners. So I guess this tripped the uh-oh alarm for me. I am just nervous that I am seeing the beginings of an underlying stress problem related to my duties and want to help before it gets too bad. Maybe I looked at the radio thing as being the call for help.

Thanks everyone for responding, it means alot to me and I hope I can help you folks out if ever needed in the future.

I know what you mean about worried family members. The wife is pretty good now after 14 years of wedded bliss(and nearly 30 years in the business), but since we live in a big city, if anything nasty is going on, it will usually be on the news, and she always wonders if I was there. Problem is, I am also a crap magnet and she knows it- meaning damn near anything horrible and/or sensational and I somehow seem to end up in the middle of it. LOL

We talk, she knows there are inherent hazards of the job, but she also knows I am damned careful and have been doing this a long time. I tell her just enough to satisfy her curiosity but leave out the bad stuff. She may know I am holding back, but she also knows I won't budge on giving her too much info.

You are doing the right thing by being proactive on this. Do NOT underestimate the stress this can put on a relationship. No matter how understanding she may claim to be- she may have been putting on a brave front- her concerns may be coming to the surface. Have a sit down and I'll bet she expresses concerns you never knew she had.

Talk it out and I'm sure you'll come to an understanding. Good luck, bud.

[Happiness]

So first of all I agree not scanners in the house. Our scanner lasted one set of batteries never to be replaced. It wasnt the hubby listening to it, it was the kids and they would worry.

Herbie your so right on the opening up about the spouses concerns. My hubby is a clean freak and I mean FREAK. I have watched him wash his hands after touching anything on the outside of our house and he thinks all teenagers are one big germ and will wiped down anything that he thinks they may have touched or looked at. Now with all being said one night as we were having dinner I had just come off a MRSA call and he only knew something was up because he had seen me with a mask on. It came out that he had the fear of 1 me bringing something home to my family and that I may die from something. So I went through all of the preventative measures and all of the things I do to myself and my uniform before I return home.

I hope the op takes all the good advise here because if she is stressed about your job it is going to stress you out also and it will become a vicious circle of stress.

good luck