Some words of Wisdom

[aussiephil]

I've just come out of the shop with a meat and potatoe pie, large chips,

mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've

not eaten for two days' I told him 'I wish I had your fucking will power'

Top tip; if your camping in the summer and the attractive girl in the next

tent tells you that because it's so hot she will be sleeping with her flaps

open, it's not necessarily an invitation to casual sex........... Wish me

luck, I appear in court next Monday

I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today.. Apparently the

instruction ' finish off on her face ' didn't mean ' What I thought it did '

A fat bird served me food in McDonalds at lunch time, she said ' sorry

about the wait ' I said ' don't worry, you'll lose it eventually '

One of life's great mysteries -

How is it that a woman can fit a seven inch vibrator into her half inch

fanny, IN THE DARK............ But she's unable to fit an eight foot car

into a fifteen foot parking space IN BROAD DAYLIGHT?

I know how those poor bastards in Haiti feel. Last time I had a few

aftershocks I couldn't find my house either.

Snow hell! The weather girl said she was expecting 8 inches tonight, I

thought to myself ' she'll be lucky with a face like that!'

I have a new chat up line that works everytime!! It doesn't matter how

gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner & I

always end up in bed with them..............Here's how it goes 'Excuse me

love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform

to you?'

Years ago it was suggested ' that an apple a day kept the doctor away ' But

since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works

a treat!