How did I miss this?

[medicmidge]

I feel like I should have caught this a long time ago. My husband recently told me that he has been very depressed and having a LOT of suicidal thoughts. He has bipolar d/o, and he's had a stressful semester. I thought it was his courseload and work schedule, but apparently it's a great deal more. we're working on getting him the help he needs. But I feel like the world's worst wife - I'm in the medical field and I didn't see this coming. Don't really know if I'm asking for help from anyone, or just venting, so... yeah. Still at a loss I guess. Anyone else ever deal with this?

[crotchitymedic1986]

You were too close to see it. Throughout your career you will be the one who instantly figures something out, that the patient's family never saw. "Hummmm you weigh 400lbs, are 30 years old, and have been incredibly thirsty", I am guessing you are diabetic ! Wife to you, my husband is too young to be diabetic, and has no history of it in his family !

Don't beat yourself up. Whatever goes on in your life becomes your "norm". It is very difficult to read other's minds. Cant blame yourself for not being psychic.

[Richard B the EMT]

I feel like I should have caught this a long time ago. ... he has been very depressed and having a LOT of suicidal thoughts. ... we're working on getting him the help he needs. ... I'm in the medical field and I didn't see this coming. Don't really know if I'm asking for help from anyone, or just venting...

Sounds like you caught on to the conditions in time. Unsolicited advice, seek individual counciling, and joint counciling, for the both of youze guyz.

[emtannie]

I agree with crotchity on this one – you are too close to see things sometimes – we all are. I can relate to your situation because the post you wrote could have been me a couple years ago. My husband suffers from depression and several other serious medical issues, and I did not notice the severity until it had a huge impact on both of us.

On the positive side, your husband felt comfortable enough with you to TELL you how he is feeling so he can get help!

Feel free to vent – venting is good for you… as a medical professional, you feel like you should have noticed more, right? Remember, when you walk in the door at night after work, you take off that medical professional uniform, and you are allowed downtime too. You feel like didn’t notice, because you are entitled to take time for you. Although you feel didn’t notice, because you DID notice and made the evaluation that he was struggling due to course work and schedule – a valid assumption.

Take a deep breath, don’t beat yourself up, and move forward. And remember, you can’t just focus 100% on him. You need to take time for yourself too, so you can be healthy. Don't dismiss counselling, like Richard said... it could benefit you, and your husband, and the both of you together.

Take care,

Annie

[Lone Star]

At least your husband came to you with a specific complaint, and came to you before there was disasterous actions were taken.

Being 'on the inside', it's all too common to 'miss things' because of how close you are. As was stated a couple of times, you leave the 'medical mindset' at the door in order to decompress after a long day. This doesn't make you a 'bad wife', it makes you HUMAN.

[DwayneEMTP]

...Unsolicited advice, seek individual counciling, and joint counciling, for the both of youze guyz.

I love this advice. And I'll tell you why. I think that there is every chance that the signs were there, and that possibly someone else might have seen them, but as LS said, that's just being human. Does it make you a bad human? I don't think so.

As time goes on I believe that we don't necessarily ignore our mates, but we do begin to stop 'seeing' them. I've been with Babs a quarter of a century now. I've seen her laugh, walk, cry, sleep, watch TV, clean...everything for 25 years so I didn't necessarily 'see' them any more. I saw a study once that said that the reason people, 'specially men, are so bad at noticing that someone has changed their hair, or shaved their mustache, is that we don't look at them each time we meet. Our brain notices where we encountered them, how they walk, the sound of their voice (I'm just making shit up, but you see my point) and plugs in a picture of them that we're used to. I think we even do this with our mates, perhaps more so, on a regular basis.

It's likely the signs were there, but you were unable to 'see' them. But I do believe that with some help you will be able to see them next time. I have a game I play in my head sometimes. I pretend that I've never seen Barbara before. I watch how she walks, how she moves, what she sounds like when she talks, the shape of her boobs and bottom, just like it's out first time meeting. I used to do it to see if I would still chase her as hard as I did in the beginning...(and I would) but I do it now because while I was doing that I discovered that she changes. The Babs of today will have many, many significant differences from the Babs of a year from now, and the one from a year ago. And it showed me that treating the Babs of 2010 the way the Babs of 2005 liked to be treated wasn't really working the way I thought it should...

Anyway, I don't mean to preach. But I do believe in something I heard on a Dr. Phil commercial one time. "Today we do the best we know how. When we know better, we do better." Or something like that.. I know it hurts your heart to see that someone you love suffered and you didn't help. But you would have if you had known, right? So now is not the time to convince yourself that you're a cold hearted bitch. But it is the time to decide that tomorrow you will make sure that you know better, so that you can do better. See? And in a terribly long winded fashion, that takes back to the above advice

Hugs to you girl. Give yourself a break. Being angry at yourself makes you unhealthy, and you can only really care for those that you love if you make sure that you're healthy first. (Wait..that sounds familiar for some reason....?)

Dwayne

[Richard B the EMT]

Dwayne, it sounds kind of like what I describe as "Static". While not meant in any way as a put down, even towards myself, it is the background of living. You get used to another individual, even one you love, much as you might get used to the physical pain of an arthritic knee, or the emotional pain of losing a parent, a relative, or even an elderly pet.

While I am not a Joan Rivers fan, I agree with her assessment of looking at my hands, and seeing the hands of a parent. My father is gone over 2 decades, but I still see articles in the newspaper I want to show him.

Edited October 25, 2010 by Richard B the EMT

[HERBIE1]

I'll echo what has been said already-also from personal experience. You simply get too close to a situation- you have no perspective. Your "normal" may seem quite "un-normal" to an outsider, or to you when you are working in the role of a provider. We all assume- too often incorrectly- that everything is stable at home. It's our sanctuary from the insanity of what we deal with at work. Then, something happens to change that status quo, and it rocks our world. Why didn't I do something? Why didn't I see the signs? Why didn't I realize this problem was getting worse? What kind of provider am I if I cannot even recognize the signs I could easily detect in one of my patients? Usually we take off our provider hats when we walk in our front doors- for good reason- the down time is important. Problem is, we then become blind to a problem that may be brewing at home- until something/someone wakes us up.

I will also suggest getting help for yourself as well as your spouse. The guilt over not recognizing the warning signs or changes can and will eat you up. Trust me- I know EXACTLY what you are going through.

[medicmidge]

Wow. Thanks. Things have been so crazy the last thing I have had time for is the internet, but i'm glad I logged on this morning. Thank you everyone. We'd gotten counseling set up, but then in the continuation of crap, we lost our insurance. So everything's on hold until we can get it again, and we don't know when that will be.

A lot of what you're saying makes sense. Being too close, and not being a provider at home, especially. I've seen it in other people, from the outside - just not in the mirror.

Thank you to everyone who's posted. It's very much appreciated.

-mj

[Chief1C]

I'll only chime in b/c I've had the misfortune of not catching it in time. If you're close to someone that is always depressed, it's hard to tell what a bad day is. vs EMS, where you can pick up on it, having just met someone, by their demeanor and how they talk, general attitude, etc. In my experience, a person was always, deeply, depressed. Then one afternoon, it stopped, friendly, smiling, wanted to spend time with me. A person often decides that suicide is the only solution, to a problem they cannot solve or they feel there is nowhere to turn for help. It's not easy to ask someone if they're feeling like they may hurt themselves; or likewise, one may not know how to tell someone else they need help.

Medications mask true feelings, talking with someone that is specifically educated in mental health, is the key. Yes, continue medications, but they alone, will solve nothing. I missed a very blatant sign of trouble, and for the past seventeen years, I've regretted that every single day. If it's mutual, that verbal counciling will take place, you're well ahead of the game, per se. Good luck.

Adding more.. Around here, if someone is seeking help, they have to go through the ER. It's a personal struggle to seek help, and one may say it's more difficult than it should be. It's embarrassing, people feel ashamed, judged. I feel that my experiences help me to be a better provider, b/c folks don't want advice most of the time (in the ambulance), they just want an ear.

Edited November 8, 2010 by 4c6