Asysin2leads Posted October 4, 2011 Posted October 4, 2011 It's 4 a.m. and I still can't sleep. I feel really bad inside, and given the stuff I've gone through, that is no easy feat. I feel bad because as any regular knows, I was out of communication for a while.... like over a year or so. The truth is I simply had a ton of stuff to deal with in my personal life and I had to push everything else to the side for a bit. I don't regret putting those things ahead of EMS, but I do regret so much not getting to talk to Rob again. After I started posting here I would wait everyday for him to jump in so I could say hi again. That's one of the really awful things of life, one day something happens and now there is something you can never do again. I used to tell myself that one of these days I was going to experience one of the express elevators up to the top of the World Trade Center too. Its true. Then one day, you can't do that. Now I'll never get to say how I really missed talking with him and tell him about all of the stuff I was doing, and how I actually did it and got it done. It really, really hurts. A lot.
Kiwiology Posted October 4, 2011 Posted October 4, 2011 Sorry yo're having a rough time mate, I know it really sucks that Rob departed; I talked to him a couple weeks ago but never really got to tell him how much of an awesome bloke he was, I think he knew anyway but you still want to say it. I don't claim to have all the answers, if I had lthe answers do you think I'd be here, doing what I am doing now, dealing with this washed up sad fuckin existance of a life? No I'd be on some beach somewhere with my soulmate drinkin a Jack Daniels getting a tan and a blowjob while my millions cooled off in that term deposit and accrews interest so I can pay the pilot of my private jet. We are our own harshest critics, we look at ourselves and go "shit bro I should have done this or this" or "it would be different if only ..." it's the "coulda, shoulda, woulda" syndrome. We all constantlly beat ourselves up for missed opportunities, for things we should not have done or should have done but didn't etc, I know exactly what you are going through mate, it's a rough ride at times, but it's natural and unavoidable I think, we are our own worst enemy. I know it's easy for me to say but seriously bro, it'll be alright, I don't know if you're a religious bloke but I'll offer some words along that line anyway; Rob will know what you've done, he'll watch from up above and see you, he'll be proud of you, it sounds like you were good friends. There are some friends who have helped me immensly that I want to go back to when I've gotten to where I want to get to and say hey look I did it! I know exactly what you mean, it hurts like a bitch. Hope that helps mate, feel free to come talk to me anytime
akflightmedic Posted October 4, 2011 Posted October 4, 2011 Brother I hear ya but doing the old should've, could've, would've mental fuck exercise does no one any good. This was my FB status a few days ago and it is relevant now: "There's nothing sadder than living for your death. This is what religion necessitates, this is why I am who I am. The idea that death is even "sad" is religiously influenced. Religion often forces people not only to deny the possibility of death by inventing the idea of an "afterlife," but also asserts that unless this afterlife exists, life is pointless. So they end up not even appreciating all the real things in this life." I am not turning this into a religious thread, but the point is we need to live every day and cherish the here and now...say what needs to be said and do what needs to be done. This is how I live and I am quite comfortable with any of my friends or family dying or myself dying because I have left them with the knowledge of what they mean to me and how I feel about them. At this point in time, I have very few things left unsaid to very few people and those which remain are being achieved one by one without undue delay. It sucks but please do not sit around second guessing or thinking what may have been...it is unhealthy for yourself and disrespectful to the dead. Just move forward from here on out and do not allow any repeats. 1
Just Plain Ruff Posted October 4, 2011 Posted October 4, 2011 When death comes to me, I hope I can face it with dignity but if not, I'm ok with it. I have never really cried at anyone's death except the miscarriage of my child at 17 weeks. I don't go to funerals not because I don't want to cry, I just don't go to them because I'm not that into mourning in public. I live my life the way I live it, love it or leave it. If I go today, I'm not going to be upset in the least. 1
AZCEP Posted October 4, 2011 Posted October 4, 2011 Having been away for a few years, this is a bit of a shock. I always figured Dust would outlive us all, just for spite. My deepest condolences to all of his friends and family. The medical field has lost a true colleague, of which I am honored to consider myself one. In the immortal words of Yoda: "Death is a natural part of life. Rejoice for those around you who transform into the Force. Mourn them do not. Miss them do not. Attachment leads to jealously. The shadow of greed, that is.” Godspeed Robert, we hardly knew thee.
MetalMedic Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 My heart goes out to his family and friends. I know that I respected his posts here he will be missed so very much.
mobey Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 (edited) Having been away for a few years, this is a bit of a shock. I always figured Dust would outlive us all, just for spite. Oh my..... That was 100% sheer hilarious! I will say one thing, as much as I miss one of my greatest mentors, it is really nice to see some ol'faces (well... screenames) around here. Hope you all stick around so we can carry on Rob's quest to teach these "pup's" how to be professional prehospital healthcare providers. Asys, I am glad I am not the only one who didn't sleep much last night. I was attempting (teary-eyed) to explain to my wife at 1am how, because I am in the middle of nowhere surrounded by idiots, I do not have a mentor. Dust and a few others fufilled that role for me, and I am filled with huge regret that I did not get a chance to shake his hand and tell him that in person. I would like to tell you to "not beat yourself up" or "just remember all the good times", but I doubt that is what you are looking for. As Dust has said to me in the past "Time will heal" Thank you for posting this thread bro, no use in pretending we aren't real people. Edited October 5, 2011 by mobey 1
paramedicmike Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 I hear you, too. Dust's death has really struck hard for me, also. I'm trying to take that, however, and turn it into positive. While we didn't agree on everything, we agreed on a lot especially when it comes to EMS and its advancement. One of the best ways to honor his memory is to continue to fight for the things we know are right and that will benefit us, the profession and most importantly, our patients.
brentoli Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 You're not alone. Dust and I talked on a couple of diffrent forums (did you know he was a closet whacker? ). I have logged on recently and thought I haven't seen him for a while, I should look him up. And never did. Then imagine my shock to find this. Felt like a punch to the gut. I've been thinking about it all day today, but, as a result I've been thinking about everything he ever taught me, challenged me about, just everything. Life moves on, we got to make of it what we can. Greatfully Dust opened a million doors for us while we knew him.
nypamedic43 Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 I too, have found this to be extremely difficult to deal with. I truly think that we all feeling like we just ran into a brick wall. 2 days ago, I signed into this forum, wondering what threads I hadnt read and if Dust had replied to any of them yet. I really looked forward to reading his replies to scenarios and questions because he was such an advocate for the betterement of EMS...and of ourselves. And before I could even sign in....theres this banner at the top announcing that he had passed away. My initial reaction was WTF!!!!! no way!!...my heart started pounding and I started to hyperventilate and the tears started to roll. The initial reaction has calmed but the tears havent stopped and my heart is still heavy. There was a bunch of us in the chatroom last night and it was awesome!!! It seemed like old times with a bunch of us older members chatting and joking around....and remembering Dusty. Now you KNOW that he is sitting up there laughing at us all...thinking to himself "They need to get over this and move on. Havent I taught them ANYTHING???!! and I cant even kick thier asses for it!!!" The truth of the matter is, its hard to let go of it, the shock and the hurt. His legacy will live on in all of us though. As long as we continue to help EMS get to where it should be and help each other along the way. And most importantly, to pass on our knowledge to the new people coming up through the ranks, and help them be the best EMS providers that they can be. All we need to do is walk through the doors he opened for us..... 1
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