Funnies

[Happiness]

Subject: Fw: Two ladies talking in heaven

1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! I'm Kelly. How'd you die?

1st woman: I Froze to Death.

2nd woman: How Horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking

from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful

death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I

suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him

in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching

TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman

there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up

into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went

through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had

looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled

over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the

freezer---we'd both still be alive

"Laughter is the best medicine."

Subject: marriage

Marriage (Part I)

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you.

I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner.

I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules.

Any comments?'

His new bride said, 'No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not.'

(SHE'S GOOD!)

Marriage (Part II)

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!

The husband yells, 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever.'

'Yeah?' she replies. 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last.''

Marriage (Part III)

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, 'And you are no good in bed either,' and

storms out of the house.

After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up.

She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, 'what took you so long to answer the phone?'

She says, 'I was in bed.

''In bed this early, doing what?'

'Getting a second opinion!'

(YEP, HE HAD THAT COMING, TOO!)

Marriage (Part IV)

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife,' Mother of Six' in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.

He shouts at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home 'Mother of six?'

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back, 'Anytime you're ready, Father of Four.'

God may have created man before woman but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

[Richard B the EMT]

Variation to the first one:

3 men waiting for St. Peter, at the gate.

St. Peter asks the first one, "What is the last thing you remember in life"?

"Thought my wife was cheating on me, and I came home early. Saw some guy running behind the apartment building, thought it was the other guy, and must have died from the effort of throwing the refrigerator out the window on top of him."

St. Peter asked the same of the second.

"I was late for the bus, so I was taking a shortcut through the alley behind an apartment building, when I got crushed by a falling refrigerator."

The third man said: "I was hiding in a refrigerator, minding my own business, when..."

[Kiwiology]

Didn't your mother ever tell you to "get out of the fridge!" ... mine did, usually around dinner time!

Oh, and I wonder if Wanda would have died anyway because she might have eaten some of those black eyes peas she fixed for Earl on the advice of Natalie Maines?