How can I make my husband understand?

[Dsmittty911]

SIGNIFICANT other. I think we all know what that means. EMS can be very crazy. Depending on your system you can run anything from basic transports to MCI's. 98% of this job means seeing people at their worst and eventually that will take a toll on any human being. The hours can be nuts. But we do it because we love helping people. It is hard for them to understand all that we go through and see on a daily basis, it can scare the crap out of them, or they get depressed for you. When you're home make sure the quality time is there, another idea is to have your significant other talk to spouses etc of friends at work who have good marriage. Sometimes hearing it from someone who's going through same thing does wonders you'd never be able to. But above all else COMMUNICATE COMMUNICATE COMMUNICATE. I'm actually very lucky my wife doesn't always like the hours when I'm in school and my clinical times but she and the kids think that what I'm doing is pretty great. One night when I was off I saw my preceptor posting near my residence and he let the kids check out the back of the ambulance and see the jumpseat where I stayed while waiting on calls. It definately helped them feel better about it. Good Luck

[streetsweeper]

When I started I had to give 100% of myself while I worked. The job demands it. Each day I went home I would leave 1% of me at work so I had 99% left to bring home. Add that up over 18 years. What do you have left, An empty wallet and an empty soul.

[Nate]

Tell him to get over himself, he will shut up. If he can't support you in your quest to follow your heart then he isn't the person you thought he was. Most men usually complain because they are jealous. So he might feel jealous that EMS is getting more time then him, that your not there for him; but your t here for EMS. If he truly loves you, he will understand and will learn to deal with it.

[retired_medic61]

When I started I had to give 100% of myself while I worked. The job demands it. Each day I went home I would leave 1% of me at work so I had 99% left to bring home. Add that up over 18 years. What do you have left, An empty wallet and an empty soul.

Yep, I agree 100%. I gave up a career as a software engineer to pursue EMS fulltime. I was stupid and young. I am now almost 45 years old, broke with a broken heart. I cannot even get a job as a software engineer now because the technology has changed so much. As far as relationships go, gone. Nothing here but financial worries and aches and pains.

[medik8]

Unfortunately...sometimes they never understand. Sometimes they never "get it"......sometimes it's the price you pay for your "other love"....

Because of my dedication to this profession, I was constantly told that I "loved EMS more than him"... How do you even reply to that? How do you even fight that? I give up.

Make your decision and go with it. You have to keep an open mind and try your best to maintain what you love....but at the same time, he has to be supportive of your dreams. Unfortunately, both elements have to be present for things to work, and most often they are not. Whatever you decide...I hope you will be happy. :wink: It's not an easy decision, and most of us have been there before. Just be at peace with your decision, whatever it may be. The end result of this job is not really glamorous...and we all know that. I choose to stay, because it's what makes me happy. Make sure that end the end, you don't regret making the decision that you have made.

Good luck!

xoxoxo

8

[Dustdevil]

Turn the situation around for a moment. Suppose he asked you to give up your home and all the other things you are used to him providing so he could pursue his dream of being a pro fisherman for $5.15 an hour? Would you consider that an unreasonable change in your relationship and lifestyle?

You're changing the deal on him, and not for the better. You're asking him to give up substantial things in his life for something impulsive and silly. That isn't what he signed on for, and he is wholly justified if he chooses to leave. I don't blame him at all.

This is illustrative of a constant truth in relationships; Women marry men expecting them to change. Men marry women hoping they don't. And both will always be disappointed.

[hammerpcp]

I realize this is an old thread at this point, and that you have probably settled this somehow or another, but I'm going to throw my two cents in anyway. I say ditch the prick. Stick with your own kind. He won't ever understand, and you will only grow further apart. After coming home from a bad day at work and you have to listen to him go on and on about steel manufacturing and the coke ovens and grades of steel and scrap metal and sulfur and instrumentation and on and on, you may start to wonder if he even has a clue about what matters in life...... oh wait, that's my life. But you get the point anyway.

You did kind of pull the old "bait and switch" technique here. But there is nothing wrong with that really. I mean, people change, they grow and mature, their interests change (and if they dint there's a bigger problem). If he didn't have the guts to go after his own dreams that's his sh*t not yours. He will probably blame you for that, no matter what you do with your life.

As far as counseling goes...meh. The relationship councilors goal is to make the two of you get along...at any price. It doesn't matter who's right, who's justified, who is satisfied. Who ever is easiest to change (read: you), will be the one from who change is demanded.

In conclusion.....I recommend not to settle. It's not easy to be alone, but its way harder to be with someone that doesn't support you. Don't waste any more time.

[emswife]

Some of the responses I have read on this thread made me very sad, and prompted me to write on this subject again. I don't post very often, mostly I visit this sight to get a little understanding about a part of my husband's life that I don't really participate in very much. Maybe my husband is different than most, I don't know, but he really doesn't talk about his work at home very much. I've always gotten the impression that our home is an escape from the ugliness that he is unfortunately exposed to in his line of work. I know that he loves his job, he's been doing it for a long time, but he has always drawn a line between work and home. Don't get me wrong, I find what he does interesting, and I am very proud of him, but he just seems to leave it at work, and I respect how he feels. I think that is where it all boils down to, respect. Bait and switch, spouses that don't understand because they aren't in the line of work, whatever...People are a work in progress their entire lives, and should always have the opportunity to grow. Just because we marry doesn't mean we have to stop what we are doing or give up dreams, marriage is a choice to share two lives together. I think people need to be as up front as possible before marrying, and choices that affect the lifestyles, etc. of the couple should be made jointly. However, spouses should always be as supportive as possible to each other, they need to know what is really important, and that is each other's happiness, not cars, new furniture, or dinner on the table at 6:00 p.m. every night. To be the spouse of an ems worker does require a lot of patience and understanding, and the ems spouse needs to keep their priorities straight, go home to the wife/husband, treat them like a friend (not like some idiot who just doesn't understand), and don't let all the nonsense that permeates the ems work environment (infidelity, partying with the guys cause they understand, etc.) lead you in the wrong direction. I've seen a lot of marriages destroyed because the spouses become so self absorbed, so concerned about what the other is not doing or giving, and forgetting about what they do or give. Communicate, respect each other, be patient, grow as a person, and nurture the love you have for each other. I'm so sorry for those of you who have been hurt, but I hope that each of you find the person that can feel that way for you, and that you can return those feelings. Your jobs don't make it impossible. Just a little harder. You have to stay open to the possibility.

[Lone Star]

Having been involved in the emergency services for a number of years, (14 years Fire/11 years EMS), I can say this: You can't MAKE them understand. The lines of communication have to be open, and the best you can really do is try to explain your passion for the job that you do. We don't get into EMS, (or any of the emergency services for that matter) for the money. We don't do it for the glory, and we don't do it really do it for any other reason than we have answered a calling that not many people can fill.

From what I've gleaned from the posts so far, this boils down to nothing more than a bad case of petty jealousy. This is HIS problem, not yours.

It sounds like you've done what you can to explain things to him about your passion for the job, the desire to help those that need it, and to give something to a generally unappreciative community. This is something that he has to accept, and learn to deal with. You can be supportive, and even try to help him understand by keeping those lines of communication open, but it's something that he has to accept. If he loves you, he'll accept it for what it is.

Just out of curiosity, what is his 'dream job'? Why couldn't he take the steps necessary to achieve this goal? I mean, most of us have gone to school, and held a job as we took the steps necessary to get where we are.... why can't he do the same thing?

Keep us posted on the progress, and I hope my two cents have helped in some way.

[Ridryder 911]

From what I have seen in most posts, is ones that have usually just started EMS (<10 years) and married for a short period of time (<10 years). The reason for the time, is because most have not hit the "reality" yet... one mate thinking that "this is all there is ?"

There are very few marriages that survive EMS .. short and simple. Especially, if the medic is over zealous in the profession. I know it may seem weird, but most mates really do not want to play second fiddle...for a period time the may allow you to grow in your profession and try to be a hero ; but after a period of time it gets old.

Unless you can have effective communications, actually take time for each other and demonstrate to your mate that you do validate them and place them first, no one will stay in a relationship. Over the past 29 years of EMS, I have worked with several thousand partners them being married, single, etc.. usually there is a pattern of behavior.

I have seen marriages that have been endangered and ruined by EMS. Enough of them , I know 2 marriage counselors telephone number by memory to give out.... Yes, it is that bad.

I always said EMS to some is as strong as a drug is cocaine is to some. People become absorb into it.. and not realizing it is just a job or profession. Yes, it takes extra time, but hopefully not to the extent of ruining relationships and families. Believe me I have too have been there...

Yes, our mates should have some tolerance while you obtain experience, education etc.. but, there is no job or profession worth loosing your mate and family over.

R/R 911