How can I make my husband understand?

[Dustdevil]

Just out of curiosity, what is his 'dream job'? Why couldn't he take the steps necessary to achieve this goal? I mean, most of us have gone to school, and held a job as we took the steps necessary to get where we are.... why can't he do the same thing?

Probably because he takes his vows and responsibility to his family seriously and holds them in a regard well above his so-called "dreams" to be a professional fisherman. Too bad the wife doesn't take her vows and responsibilities as seriously.

Yes, our mates should have some tolerance while you obtain experience, education etc.. but, there is no job or profession worth loosing your mate and family over.

Word. =D>

[emswife]

I don't believe the original author of this thread does not take her vows seriously. I recall my vows to love, honor, and cherish, to forsake all other until death do us part. I don't recall give up your dreams and work some meaningless job being a part of it. Marriage would be a very sad thing to be in if that was the case. The author is merely trying to pursue a career in something she would actually enjoy doing, and it may not make the family rich, but it will certainly contribute to the family income. As to why the husband has not pursued what he wants to do, I have not heard a response back from the author as to why this hasn't happened. I certainly hope he finds something he wants to do and can find a way to do it. While their obligations to their family is obviously the first priority here, there does not have to necessarily be a conflict of interest, and I don't think any of us know enough about the situation to accurately determine that for them. This woman is not a piece of property, she is a person with dreams, ambitions, and needs, and they are as important as her husband's needs, etc. And as far as what her husband thought he was getting into when he married her, well, I don't recall that being addressed either. Maybe he knew what she wanted to do when he married her. Would it be fair for him to change now? I'd really like to hear an update from the original author on all these issues. P.S. My husband didn't know he wanted to be in e.m.s. until after we married, but I sure am glad he found something he really enjoys doing in spite of that. And it's really nice to know that in spite of the fact that it has taken until my getting into my thirties for me to finally pursue my career ambitions, my husband will support me as I go through school. I think I'll keep him.

[Dustdevil]

I don't recall give up your dreams and work some meaningless job being a part of it.

The problem is, in this case, the meaningless job IS her dream.

My husband didn't know he wanted to be in e.m.s. until after we married, but I sure am glad he found something he really enjoys doing in spite of that.

Completely different situation. Your husband was always working. Changing careers is not changing his role in the family unit. The original poster is talking about completely changing her role in the family unit and her contributions to the relationship. That is deal breaking.

[emtek]

Thank you EMS wife for all your support and kind words. And thanks to the rest of you for your advice.

Dust...I take my vows very seriously! And my husband knew this was what I have wanted to do before he married me. Now I'm sorry that you are so bitter towards this "meaningless job". I think you know alot about this profession and I have learned alot from reading your posts. You also helped me a great deal with my research paper and I appreciate that!! But I'm sure when you first started in EMS you were just as eager as us "newbies" are. As far as me changing careers I am a stay at home mother right now, and I bring in no income what so ever. So by doing this I am trying to better myself and my family not hurt it. I have told my husband to try and reach his goals, and now hopefully he will start and I will support him in what ever he chooses because I love him and what him to be happy. But why should I give up my dreams because he wants to be a big baby??

Now with this said, we have worked through our issues and he is very supportive of my schooling and doing what I need to do to start my career.

[Dustdevil]

But I'm sure when you first started in EMS you were just as eager as us "newbies" are.

Yep. And I was a 16-year-old kid then too. I had grown up by 26. I certainly wouldn't have followed some impulsive "dream" like driving an ambulance if it meant losing my wife.

You came here asking for some greater understanding, so I thought you should know exactly why your husband feels the way he does. All I was trying to do was to help you understand it. Remember, it is just as important that you understand him as you think it is for him to understand you.

Don't misunderstand me. I hope it works out for you. I truly do. But if it doesn't, well then it won't be because you didn't have all the facts. Good luck!

[emtek]

Dust.....I do truly appreciate you advice and I know you know what you are talking about!! And yes if it did put so much stress on my relationship that I had to make the choice between my "dream" or my family of course I would choose my family each and every time. Your right, I wanted him to understand me but I wasn't giving him the same respect back by understanding where he was coming from. And now thankfully I think we have gotten past this issue.

[cdemt5710]

:tweety: Well, this is a loaded topic and there are alot of cynics out there! I can totally relate to emtek's dilemna. After 22 years of being a stay at home mom, raising 4 wonderful daughters and supporting my husband's career choices, I became an EMT-B and joined our volunteer fire department. This was a blow to my husband. Me, the organic gardener, granola muncher, nurturer, LLL Leader, lover of reclining with a good book and doing things my way. Now I was polishing my boots, going to training, quoting SOPs, talking about "the chain of command", leaving the family to make their own meals AND I wasn't getting paid anything to do it. (Still eating granola, though) He had a really hard time. He made negative comments, he scoffed at my department members because they weren't "educated" and he belittled the hard work I was doing saying it wasn't going to contribute anything. I almost left him. Not for the job. It usually never is about the job or the dress or the kids or the whatever. I think it is about the underlying stuff. Like he didn't know I had this penchant to polish boots (my army vet dad taught me how... reminds me of him), he resented the time I spent and enjoyed with people he didn't know, he felt left out but didn't want to be involved. Mostly he realized he didn't know me all that well. So it was the underlying issue that was the problem. After 22 (now 27) years of marriage, we didn't want to throw in the towel. We found ways to communicate. I set some boundries. I gave a little back (You're not going to go play that silly little piano piece in front of an audience, are you????) (it didn't work). I called him on his comments and made him explain them thoroughly. Its been rough but we are a stronger couple for it. My 24 yr. old took the EMT-B class and stood up for me. My other 3 daughters respect the stand I took and they respect him for becoming supportive. It took time. I learned to compromise. I stopped going on every call. I started turning my pager off when we were going somewhere. I'm still on the department, am just finishing an EMT-I class and started a full time paying job in another field. He knows that I have worked hard and given alot of myself because I believe in my department and believe in giving to the community. He rarely makes a neg. comment and is actually proud of me. We are evolving. Its a give and take and a marriage takes two commited people.

Good luck. You've had kids...you know that nothing really good comes easily, there's usually a bit of hard work involved.

[cosgrojo]

I'm recently married (little more than a month) and have been together for almost 6 years. I was in EMS before we met, so she had to come to grips with it from the get go. I work a 24 and a 16 overnite (weekends no-less). At first she complained that I was never around, and that we didn't get to see each other, and she hates my job, and I'm an idiot for working at a no-where job, and I'm wasting my time and my career, and.... well I could keep going. But eventually, she realized that I like my job. And eventually she realized that she has grown to enjoy the time apart. A couple of days apart from eachother a week has helped to keep the conversation going, prompted her to find productive hobbies, given her an opportunity to re-connect with friends that she had seperated herself from to be with me.

I'm not saying that this is normal, or anyone should feel like they should use my relationship as a template... but I think that if you truly love eachother, and you truly care about the other's happiness, you will support eachother regardless. And if you attempt to find the positive in your situation and find a way to come out the other end happier and healthier.... more power to ya'.

So what I'm trying to say is.... Respect your partner, and demand that they respect you, and all other issues should fall into place.

[emswife]

Emtek, don't let anyone make you feel like you should feel guilty for what you are doing. It sounds to me like you are trying to help your husband understand, otherwise you would not have even bothered to seek guidance in the first place. Since he did know before you married that this is what you wanted to do, you deserve his support now. It sounds as if you were very young when you married and started your family. You do not have to stop where you are now and never pursue anything else, that's how people stagnate. Other people in E.M.S. can give you their perspective based on their experiences (whether they have been able to make relationships work or not), but it is from the E.M.S. spouse side. I am on the other side, I am the spouse that often spends holidays without my significant other, I am the spouse that often goes to bed alone, I am the spouse that has spent years working to put together my career choice in spite of my husband's crazy schedule, being the rock of the family. Basically, that is what it will come down to for you and your husband. Can he balance with your schedule? Is he willing to contribute that much to the marriage, to your family? Can you make your relationship with him your first priority? I've been married for nearly sixteen years now, and now I couldn't imagine any other lifestyle. In the beginning it was very hard, it seemed like I didn't see my husband for days, like I was a single parent. But it can get better, better positions come along, better hours (but you need to look for them). It does seem like a lot of people in E.M.S. that have families eventually leave the private E.M.S. companies and find positions with counties or state agencies (usually better pay and hours)....I don't know about where you live if these are options. It's up to you to be a spouse worth all this effort (and it will take a lot of effort from him). It's not going to be easy, but the two of you can do it, keep talking. P.S. Dust, I really don't know what happened in your relationships, but I'm sorry that they have made you so unhappy. Things don't really have to be about deal brakers (so black and white), etc. Relationships take a lot of compromise, the ability to change and grow together, especially when people marry so young.