Lets get this party started! Post something here so we know you're alive!

[island emt]

For all my retired friends and those soon to retire.

A few days ago my best friend from high school sent me a 'Viet Nam Veteran' cap. I never had one of these before, and I was pretty hyped about it, especially because my friend was considerate enough to take the time to send it to me.

Yesterday, I wore it when I went to Wal-Mart. There was nothing in particular that I needed at the world's largest retailer; but, since I retired, trips to Wally World to look at the Walmartians is always good for some comic relief. Besides, I always feel pretty normal after seeing some of the people that frequent the establishment. But, I digress... enough of my psychological fixations.

While standing in line to check out, the guy in front of me, probably in his early thirties, asked, "Are you a Viet Nam Vet?"

"No," I replied.

"Then why are you wearing that cap?"?

"Because I couldn't find the one from the War of 1812." I thought it was a snappy retort.

"The War of 1812, huh?" the Walmartian queried, "When was that?"

God forgive me, but I couldn't pass up such an opportunity. "1936," I answered as straight-faced as possible.

He pondered my response for a moment and responded, "Why do they call it the War of 1812 if it was in 1936?"

"It was a Black Op. No one is supposed to know about it." This was beginning to be way fun!

"Dude! Really?" he exclaimed. "How did you get to do something that COOOOL?"

I glanced furtively around me for effect, leaned toward the guy and in a low voice said, "I'm not sure. I was the only Caucasian on the mission."

"Dude," he was really getting excited about what he was hearing, "that is seriously awesome! But, didn't you kind of stand out?"

"Not really. The other guys were wearing white camouflage."

The moron nodded knowingly.

"Listen man," I said in a very serious tone, "You can't tell anyone about this. It's still 'top secret' and I shouldn't have said anything."

"Oh yeah?" he gave me the 'don't threaten me look.' "Like, what's gonna happen if I do?"

With a really hard look I said, "You have a family don't you? We wouldn't want anything to happen to them, would we?"

The guy gulped, left his basket where it was and fled through the door. By this time the lady behind me was about to have a heart attack she was laughing so hard. I just grinned at her.

After checking out and going to the parking lot I saw dimwit leaning in a car window talking to a young woman. Upon catching sight of me he started pointing excitedly in my direction.

Giving him another 'deadly' serious look, I made the 'I see you' gesture. He turned kind of pale, jumped in the car and sped out of the parking lot.

What a great time! Tomorrow I'm going back with my Homeland Security cap.

Then the next day I will go to the license agency and wear my Border Patrol hat, and see how long it takes to empty the place.

Whoever said retirement is boring just needs the right kind of cap.

See you guys at Walmart!!

PS ::: Pg 96

Edited January 18, 2014 by island emt

[scubanurse]

That is awesome

[Richard B the EMT]

I spoke with a USCG member, not involved with the incidents, told me both tugboats were about 35 foot long. We shared the unanswered question of why a 30 foot long "tugboat" was pulling a heavy 150 foot long barge?

[island emt]

On The Lighter Side…..

The following was found posted very low on a refrigerator door.

Dear Dogs and Cats: The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run .

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort, however. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It i s not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you

there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, and try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine/feline attendance is not required.

The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, and then go smell the other dog or cat's butt.

I cannot stress this enough.

Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door:

TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:

(1) They live here. You don't.

1. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.

That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.

1. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.

(4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.

Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they :

(1) eat less,

(2) don't ask for money all the time,

1. are easier to train,
2. normally come when called,
3. never ask to drive the car,
4. don't hang out with drug-using people;
5. don't smoke or drink,
6. don't want to wear your clothes,
7. don't have to buy the latest fashions,

(10) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and

(11) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children .

[island emt]

Maw was in the kitchen when she hollers out..."Paw! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"

Paw replies, "There ain't nuthin' wrong with the outhouse."

Maw yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."

So...Paw mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Maw, there ain't nuthin' wrong with the outhouse!”

Maw replies, "Stick yer head in the hole!"

Paw yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!"

Maw says, "Ya' hafta stick yer head in the hole to see what to fix."

So with that, Paw sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Maw, there ain't nuthin' wrong with this outhouse!"

Maw hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"

Paw proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Maw, dag nabit! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"

To which Maw replies, "Hurt's, don't it?!"

[island emt]

For all those who long to travel!

A young Ontario woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the lake, but just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy, the woman accepted.

That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine,

and make love to her until dawn.

Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy ."

"I see," the captain says.

Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, I have to admit, he's been screwing me."

"He certainly has," replied the captain, "this is the Toronto Island Ferry!!!"

[paramedicmike]

Ok. I laughed.

[island emt]

now that I'm retired:: I have time to keep these coming. :-}

[scubanurse]

Bored much?

[island emt]

not at all: just have to do something when my wife's at work.