Lets get this party started! Post something here so we know you're alive!

[island emt]

A young shapely woman went up to the roof of her hotel to sunbathe. No one else was there, so she took off her swimsuit to get an overall tan. A few minutes later, she heard someone running up the stairs.

Excuse me, said the hotel manager. Would you please wear a bathing suit?

I’m alone, she said, what difference does it make?

A lot said the manager, you’re lying on the dining room skylight.

103

Edited March 21, 2014 by island emt

[onlyinnewyork_]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ff_kalDZfzU&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Another one bites the dust. Just as good to keep the CPR beat up with.

bahahaha !

[island emt]

Subject: WINDOWS VS. FORD

Windows vs. Ford For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,

"If Ford had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, Ford issued a press release stating : If Ford had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash.........twice a day.

2.. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3...Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4... Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5...Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6... The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.

I love the next one!!!

7.. The airbag system would ask, "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8... Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9.... Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10.... You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

PS - I'd like to add that when all else fails, you could call "customer service" in some foreign country and be instructed in some foreign language how to fix your car yourself!!!!

[jwiley40]

A woman was standing behind another woman in line at the grocery store. She watched at that second woman answered her cellphone and began to speak in an strange language. The first lady got very angryand wanted to speak her mind but waited till she was done.

Once the second lady hung up, the first spoke angrily to her. "This is America," she told her. "If you want to live here, speak English."

The second woman looked at her. "Excuse me?"

"I said if you want to live in America, you have to learn to speak English. If you don't want to, go back to where you came from!"

The second woman said, "I was speaking Navajo.If you want to speak English, go back to England."

[Richard B the EMT]

Jwiley40, I've loved your Navajo story ever since I first heard it earlier this year.

In disclosure, before "Lady J" (current girlfriend), and the "Pink Lady" (former fiancée), I was dating a Navajo lady.

[island emt]

An old gentleman lived alone in New Jersey .

He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden,

But it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.

The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,

I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like

I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year.

I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot.

I know if you were here my troubles would be over.

I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like

The old days.

Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Papa,

Don't dig up that garden.

That's where the bodies are buried.

Love, Vinnie

At 4 a.m. The next morning,

FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up

The entire area without finding any bodies.

They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Papa,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now.

That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love you,

Vinnie

[Caduceus]

That Vincent was a damn good son.

(Note: I'm joking. )

[scubanurse]

Awe! That's smart thinking on the kid's part!

[Richard B the EMT]

I love revamped old jokes. Stole bunches of them from my family, and they never saw them coming in the revamped versions.

Edited March 27, 2014 by Richard B the EMT

[island emt]

: Subject: Woman stops grizzly attach with .25 caliber pistol

Woman Stops Grizzly Attack With .25 Caliber Pistol

This is a story of self control and marksmanship. A woman survived a grizzly bear attack with one well placed shot from her itsy bitsy ..25 caliber Beretta Jetfire.

These are her own words.:

While out hiking in Alberta Canada with my boyfriend, we were surprised when a huge grizzly bear came charging at us out of nowhere. She must have been protecting her cubs because she was extremely aggressive.

If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire I would not be here today! I yanked it out of my purse and fired one shot.

It hit my boyfriend in his kneecap and the bear caught him easily. While the grizzly mauled the poor cripple, I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.

I love that pistol. I'll find other boyfriends.