island emt Posted April 20, 2015 Posted April 20, 2015 Dear Tide I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband. What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product. Well, gotta go, I have to write to the Hefty trash bag people. 2 Quote
island emt Posted April 23, 2015 Posted April 23, 2015 Old and cranky and you ain't fixin' me!! I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off! Old age is coming at a really bad time! When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment .... now, as a grown up, it just feels like a small vacation! The biggest lie I tell myself is ... "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it." Lord, grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can & the friends to post my bail when I finally snap! I don't have gray hair. I have "wisdom highlights." I'm very wise. My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance to idiots that needs work. Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees. The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes". I'm going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I'll do that second week. When did it change from "We the people" to "screw the people"? I've lost my mind and I'm pretty sure my kids took it! Even duct tape can't fix stupid ... but it can muffle the sound! Why do I have to press one for English when you're just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway? Lord, Give me patience and give it to me NOW. Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice. Oops! Did I roll my eyes out loud? At my age "getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for. 1 Quote
Violyn Posted May 3, 2015 Posted May 3, 2015 I've been really busy. Been gone for a while. Anyone miss me? Lol Quote
island emt Posted May 16, 2015 Posted May 16, 2015 An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite ravioli wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. When he reached the bottom of the stairs, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen, where if not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were hundreds of his favorite ravioli. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? He threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the ravioli was already in his mouth. With a trembling hand he reached up to the edge of the table, when suddenly he was smacked with a wooden spoon by his wife. 'Hands off!' she said. 'Those are for the funeral.' Quote
cuffs007 Posted May 19, 2015 Posted May 19, 2015 Yo' Mama is so fat... the RADIO skips when she enters the room. Quote
island emt Posted June 11, 2015 Posted June 11, 2015 A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a ...case of Miller Lite and puts it in their cart. 'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans', he replies. 'Put them back, it's a waste of money', demands the wife, and so he does and they carry on shopping. A few aisles further on along, the woman picks up a $20 jar of ...face cream and puts it in the basket. What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband... "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife. Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Miller Lite and it's half the price....' HUSBAND DOWN, AISLE 7 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Quote
paramedicmike Posted June 12, 2015 Posted June 12, 2015 Be honest, Ed. These are real life stories you're adapting to joke format, aren't they? Next time I'm in Maine I'm going to have to shop where you shop just to see for myself. 1 Quote
Just Plain Ruff Posted June 12, 2015 Posted June 12, 2015 A recent University of Tennessee graduate decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no classroom lessons to train her for this experience. She mounts the horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the rider begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the girl attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety.Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup; she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness, when to her great fortune.........Frank, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse. 2 Quote
island emt Posted June 13, 2015 Posted June 13, 2015 thats pretty funny Ruff +1 Mike: any time I need a good laugh a trip to whale mart is in order. I don't often buy anything, just walk through and gawk at the foolishness that goes on there. if you need a gut buster just google women of whalemart on youtube. Quote
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.