Looking Your Best for the Paramedics

[Ridryder 911]

Looking Your Best for the Paramedics

No woman wants to think about it: there you are, balanced precariously on the edge of your sofa, trying to nab that out-of-the-way cobweb, when suddenly you lose your footing and fall flat on your face. Three days later you awake in the hospital, and just catch the end of a cat chat among the nurses about how you were dressed "like trailer trash" when they found you. How humiliating!

It doesn't have to turn out that way. Read on to learn what you can do to transform the unforeseen calamity into a beacon of admiration shining directly on you, the best-looking household injury in the neighborhood.

Always dress up a notch

You know how it is: you come home from work or a long afternoon of shopping, and all you want to do is get into your sweats. Resist the urge! Change if you want to, but into an ensemble fit for guests.

Dressing well means that you're ready to face the unforeseen with fashion sense. Should you lose consciousness, for example, before you can writhe to your most flattering position on the kitchen floor, at least those attractive dividers and slightly daring fatuas are still working their magic. Remember: even drool won't look so bad when you're properly attired.

This ground rule applies even if a household emergency never befalls you. We can't predict when the police might accidentally transpose the numbers of a suspected murderer's address, and land at your doorstep instead. And won't you look lovely as they handcuff you and drag you away to the police station for questioning.

Always be freshly made up.

The perfect outfit is all but useless if your makeup has worn off. It doesn't matter if you're hurling every five minutes from the Asian Bird Flu. The magic word you must make your mantra is, "Re-apply"!

Carry a cell phone on your person at all times

What if you're done writhing in the living room, and then remember that you haven't called 9-1-1 yet? Now you have to crawl to the phone, leaving an unsightly traffic pattern, and God knows what else, on your carpet. If you make it back home alive, you'll be greeted by that unsightly mess. But with a cell phone at your disposal, you can call first, then lose consciousness with the carefree confidence that any carpet damage has been limited to your writhing zone.

Rehearse and rehearse again.

If you want to look your best in an emergency, you need to be prepared. But don't put undue pressure on yourself to execute the perfect life-threatening accident without plenty of practice under your belt. You didn't get that quiche pastry right the first few times, either!

Imagine, for example, that you were to faint while standing on a step ladder. How would you like to be arranged when that handsome paramedic comes charging into the room?

Rehearse your fainting spell from a safer, lower step on the ladder until you master your fall and land in the most comely configuration for your body type. Let's say that you possess lovely, narrow ankles. We suggest landing on your side with your legs attractively scissored 4"- 6" apart below the knee, and your feet pointed slightly downward. Who wouldn't want to help such a fetching tableau of distress?

Just to be safe, wear padding and head protection during rehearsals. By the way, there's never any shame in being caught with your practice gear on. If paramedics discover you "outfitted," their admiration for your dedication to feminine beauty will simply increase their efforts to bring you back to life all the sooner.

Make your entryway sparkle.

Remember that your home is an extension of you, and that the paramedics will traverse your entryway both coming and going. Be sure to apply daily spit and polish! You may also need to invest in basic renovations, such as vaulted ceilings and imported Italian marble statuary. It's difficult to put a price on a human life, but we think this comes pretty darn close to a reliable estimate. Oh, and don't forget the fresh flowers.

Consider yourself armed with the basic skills for putting your own special beauty mark on almost any household emergency.

author unknown

[PrissyEMT]

This is too funny! And I think I find it funny because I can actually relate to it!

OMG- that's a little sad.... LOL :wink:

[cougar1]

Im crying from laughter here , that was completly hilarious , I love your sense of ha ha ridryder!

[SingleLovingLife]

Reminds me of a family story. One day in the late 1950's my dad had been doing some work on the roof. Instead of using the ladder to get down, he made his way over to the carport and decided he could safely jump down since the carport was closer to the ground. Hmmm...well along with earning the nickname "Superman" he managed to crush one heel and chip the other one.

Lying there on the ground, he realized he needed to use the bathroom before he went to the emergency room. Not being able to walk, he crawled to the house, got inside and with my mother's help crawled up a half flight of stairs and climbed onto the toilet. According to my mom, his feet were filthy and she refused to take him to the hospital until she had washed them! If I'm not mistaken, she even made him change his sweaty shirt. Afterward, he crawled back to the car where mom helped him climb in, then proceeded to drive him to the hospital. There was no way mom was going to have one of us embarrass the family by showing up somewhere dirty and needing to change clothes. Needless to say I grew up hearing "always wear your clean underwear"!

[Mediclease]

OMG .... I almost pissed my self from laughing so hard ...... This is just to funny

[MedicNorth]

And I thought my mother was being silly when she stressed about clean underwear! Love it, Rid

[AZCEP]

I did notice that your suggestions missed clean teeth, or is this just a problem in my response area?

My goodness, I think I have found a new career path. "Ambulance readiness assistant," trained to help you to make a better impression when emergency services are required. Now if people will pay funeral homes to fix them up before the lid is closed permanently, don't you suppose they would be willing to fund a little assistance before that happens.

Franchise rights will be going up for bid soon.

[hammerpcp]

It is actually kind of sad that there is truth to this. I would like to think that everyone gets the same kind of treatment regardless of their socio-economic status, shower status, family status, etc... Unfortunately this is clearly not the case if you have spent any time in the medical field. Medicine is not exempt from the prejudices of the rest of society.

Instructions to optimize your medical care...Be nice, be clean, have relatives present (preferably doctors/lawyers etc), have money and everything that goes along with this: good dental health and hygiene, nice clothes, and be well spoken.

With these few measures in place you can expect to receive respectful, prompt, and accurate medical care.

[Dustdevil]

I'd like them to pass a law requiring you to learn English before you can call for or receive medical treatment in the US.

If they'd just do that, I could overlook the underwear!

[Ridryder 911]

Sorry, I have priced soap and water, it is not that expensive. Try catheterizing a female patient that has not bathed in at least 5 months... not because of illness, but because of no desire to take care of themselves. I had a gentleman, that I tried to remove his socks and could not... they had been on for over a month and a half.. and had started to embed into the skin. Again, these were not homeless, or so ill they could not perform measure, but have no desire to care for themselves, because they knew someone else would later.

I have compassion for those that need it.. but to abuse yourself, and me because you are lazy.. geex. I have heard that .. I am poor, broke, etc.. song and dance routine so long, only to find cigarettes in the purse, and to respond to the Casino'son a call to see them plugging away. .. sorry for the tangent.. lot of F/F (frequent flyers) lately.

R/R 911