New Rules

[hammerpcp]

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com!

>>> There's a

>>> reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't

>>> particularly

>>> like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the

>>> football team

>>> is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

>>>

>>> New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window

>>> unless

>>> you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human

>>> finger was

>>> found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a

>>> dollar. What

>>> did you expect it to contain? Trout?

>>>

>>> New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot,

>>> blonde teachers are permanent ly damaged. I have a better

>>> description for

>>> these kids: lucky bastards.

>>>

>>> New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards,

>>> you're gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your

>>> idols. If

>>> you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

>>>

>>> New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men

>>> care

>>> about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

>>>

>>> New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a

>>> whole aisle

>>> of this crap at the supermarket ? water, but without that watery

>>> taste.

>>> Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored

>>> water?

>>> Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavore d

>>> water.

>>>

>>> New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a

>>> redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And

>>> the top

>>> is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to

>>> open it,

>>> his ass

>>> will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the

>>> Social Security crisis.

>>>

>>> New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the

>>> asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande

>>> half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread

>>> cappuccino, extra dry,

>>> light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're

>>> a huge

>>> asshole.

>>>

>>> New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my

>>> card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the

>>> amount,

>>> deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter"

>>> again, the

>>> kid who is

>>> supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

>>>

>>> New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it

>>> doesn't

>>> make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it

>>> translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything

>>> spiritual, you

>>> were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual.

>>> You're

>>> just high.

>>>

>>> New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven

>>> deadly

>>> sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Compe titive Eating,

>>> because

>>> watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned

>>> exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're

>>> already

>>> doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

>>>

>>> New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for

>>> M&Ms,

>>> I'll go nuts and eat two.

>>>

>>> New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on

>>> crappy,

>>> old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the

>>> Cineplex a

>>> remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's

>>> remember

>>> the

>>> reason something was a television show in the first place is that

>>> the

>>> idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

>>> >>> New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for

>>> weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from

>>> rehab.

>>> Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for

>>> you

>>> isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

>>>

>>> New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants.

>>> After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I

>>> just

>>> had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed

>>> to be

>>> there, or

>>> just some freak with a fetish. don't want to be on your webcam,

>>> dude. I

>>> just want to wash my hands.

>>>

>>> New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to

>>> know in

>>&g t; months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a

>>> cheese.

>>> And I didn't really care in the first place

>>>

[Michael]

I happen to feel that the degree of a person's intelligence is directly reflected by the number of conflicting attitudes she can bring to bear on the same topic. -- Lisa Alther

Topic hijack! Topic hijack! Well, not really, since your funnies rely on your signature. Well, not your signature, Lisa Alther's signature. Well, not even Lisa Alther's signature.

"It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it." -- Aristotle (384-322 BC) Okay, back to rulership.

[scootyboy2]

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com!

>>> New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot,

>>> blonde teachers are permanent ly damaged. I have a better

>>> description for

>>> these kids: lucky bastards.

>>>

how true how true lmfao

[weasel 108]

Now that was funny

[MedicNorth]

Hey, Hammer - Great stuff. If you make that your platform, I'll vote for you, and so will a lot of others. "Prime Minister Hammer" -Has great ring, yes?

[owley medic]

Hammer would get my vote too

[AZCEP]

Let me add one to your list.

Absolutely, under no circumstances will the following be acceptable:

-->Failing a standardized test of any kind (NREMT, Nursing boards, etc.), then consoling yourself by telling others that you failed by "one question."

-->Unless the total number of questions makes it a mathematical certainty that you will fail by missing the proverbial "one question", you missed a lot of questions, not just "one".

-->Maybe if you would consider studying a bit more, rather than complaining about missing out on the "Girls Gone Wild" photo opportunity, you would have passed.

[MedicNorth]

Hey, Hammer - we have start of a great party here! After enough libation it may even become political. I'll be your campaign manager, Owley can raise funds, buy the beer, and drive the bus. I think we're on to something!. Any others want to join the "Hammered" party?

[Dustdevil]

I'm in. We can have it at the trailer park.

[hammerpcp]

Hey, Hammer - we have start of a great party here! After enough libation it may even become political. I'll be your campaign manager, Owley can raise funds, buy the beer, and drive the bus. I think we're on to something!. Any others want to join the "Hammered" party?

Before you all jump on the band wagon there is some more information on my platform that I should share with you. 1. I am profoundly socialist, so if you don't like paying taxes stick with Harper. 2. I support abortion, the death penalty and euthanasia of anyone I don't like. 3. Legalize and regulate all street drugs, and tax them. 4. Health care should be run nationally and funded nationally. 5. Increase welfare allowances to an amount that can actually sustain life. 6. Regulate insurance companies. Place caps on premiums. 7. No laon sharks! that's right mastercard, visa, etc. 19% interest compounded monthly is not a fair trade. Oh, and Leons...28%? Give us a break. 8. Violent criminals beware...Three strike rule will be enacted..third strike, you are castrated. 9. Lizards for evreyone! 10. Beer purchases subsidized on all long weekends.

I also have views on gun control, animal welfare, public transit, international relations, etc....I could go on but i'll spare you. So..now the question is...Are you still interested in joining the Hammered Party?