trying to under stand

[avvn]

[/font:684650765d] I'm married to a FDNY EMT {2 yrs on the job}we have been together for 20 yrs and married for 15 . the job causes alot of stress and friction between us as far as the hours and mandatory over time for example i work till 3pm I'm home by 3:15 not 4:40 ... till when ever not to mention the pay . I hate the idea of her out there in all the weather conditions and all hours of the night . I'm uncomfortable with her male partners and the way they kid around. this is my wife not their girl friend... she says I'm being silly but i don't think so listen I'm almost 40 and not in bad shape but how could i compete with 20+ year olds who have no responsibility and can live on a whim I'm disliking this job any ideas?

[medic001918]

Unfortunatly, the job does cause much stress in relationships. It's the nature of the job I suppose. Look at divorce rates for similar jobs...police officers and firefighters. It takes a different kind of person to deal with all of this. The overtime is also part of the job. Unfortunately, we can't predict our workday. We don't know when someone is going to call 911 and when we're going to be the closest to the call. If people could preschedule their emergencies, the job itself would be much less stressful. But once again, that just isn't life.

As for the joking, that's a common part of EMS. It's a way of dealing with things. Most of our encounters with people on the job are not when they're having a good day. We often see people having what may be the worst day of their life. So we learn not to take it to heart, and jokes are a way of coping. It doesn't make it right, or easy to understand. However if you ask many people involved, they will tell that it is part of the job. I understand that she's your wife, and not their girlfriends...but close relationships are forged when you're thrown into the situation of working that closely with someone. By relationship, that doesn't mean romantic, a friendship is still a form of a relationship. You learn to become very close friends. You talk about just about everything. And you might even make jokes towards one another. It doesn't mean anything is going on. Until you see something developing, I wouldn't be too concerned.

My best advice is to keep your relationship healthy and strong. Show her that you support her. Cherish your time together. Go out and do things to make sure your relationship is in the right place. As long as it is, I doubt your wife is going to wander away from you. You shouldn't feel like you're competing with anyone at this point in your life.

Communicate with your wife. Share your concerns with her and have an open conversation about it. Learn some more about the nature of the job and understand what it entails. It's certainly not a normal nine to five. Communication and trust are they keys. Understanding is a close third to those qualities.

Shane

NREMT-P

[emswife]

I agree with the previous post. Communication is very important for your marriage. And yes, strong, lasting friendships are often forged between the people that do this line of work. I am the spouse of a paramedic, we've been married nearly sixteen years. It has not always been easy, but now I'm used to all the craziness. Sometimes it is hard to see how close he is with the people he works with, sometimes I'm a little jealous. It can get a little hairy when these friendships occur between the opposite sex, and since it is your wife in E.M.S., she is more likely to have those types of friendships since there are usually more men than women in this field. It is very important that in spite of the closeness that your wife feels with her co-workers, that she reserve a deeper level of intimacy with you, and I don't just mean physical. Whenever she chooses to share a part of herself with someone else, she needs to make sure that it is not making it so that she does not share it with you too. And if it is matter of choosing who to confide, etc. in, you should be her first choice. Just because you are not in E.M.S. (an assumption I'm making based on the info in your post), does not mean you cannot be supportive. And it is very important that you be supportive. Her job takes a big toll on her at times, and you need to be the soft place she lands. Be each other's first priority, and be supportive to each other in your individual endeavors. Don't let all the bad things you hear about her job ruin your relationship (i.e. infidelity), it doesn't have to be that way. By the way, you sound hot...can I have your number? LOL

[Ridryder 911]

Been on both sides.. I do understand your concerns & yes they are valid. Have you really discussed with her .. I mean one on one not briefly converse. Tell her your true feelings and concerns. Now, saying this, I have to say you have to have trust. You cannot prevent anyone from being unfaithful... if they do become unfaithful, it is because other situations has made them to look else where.

These are problems that should had been discussed in detail, & either worked out or compromised before she applied for the F.D.

To start out with, being controlling, demanding, smothering or even over jealous will only increase her dissatisfaction of her own personal relationship. Supporting her in her decisions and listening to her when necessary, may increase the trust and closeness, she may want at home, and fulfill her needs. She needs a mate, friend, & lover, not a father figure. No you don't have to always agree with her, but is nice that you will be the one she turns to if there is trouble.

It is nice that you care so much, let her know, but also respect her wishes... everyone wants to be validated. Respect her professional calling, even if you may not agree totally, you might be able to work out some compromises. Try develop some personal down time for her... most need a little escape. Then some personal time for the two of you.. to re-develop your friendship and bond.

Yes, joking is a tension breaker... & yes, there are times it is very inappropriate. My suggestion to anyone is"would you do this or say in front of your mate ?" .. if not it is probably inappropriate. Equal is only fair, and she should be respectful, the same as you would be.

I do suggest marital counseling ad soon as possible.. this does not mean tragedy, but they can give helpful communication techniques, to improve relationships and with the innocent 3'rd party.. both sides are heard.

I wish you the best of luck,

R/R 911

[medicgirl69]

I absolutely agree with the previous posts. My husband and I are both paramedics, we work for different services, and I also work part-time for the service he works for. We have been together 6 years and married 3 wonderful years. Both of us have experienced building relationships with coworkers and we have gone through the emotions of dealing with these relationships, but in the end, the most important thing for both of us has been that we can talk and share with each other anything. I am free to share with him any experience that I need to discuss; and as for my relationship with my EMT partner, my partner is well aware that even though we often share personal information with each other, I am also free to share that information with my husband. I also understand that my partner and his wife are best friends as well, and I fully expect that things I tell him may get back to her, but I think that is what makes a healthy relationship. My husband and I had to learn early in our relationship to move past jealously because of the close-knit bonds that are formed within our own EMS communities. But, we love each other and we love our jobs - we can work everything else out as it comes.

So, my advice is the same - keep supporting your wife, try to understand her commitment to her duty, and always remind her how much she means to you. I wish you both a lifetime of happiness.

[Asysin2leads]

Avvn, as a member of the FDNY EMS command I really feel for your position. Your wife I assume took the position for some sort of midlife adventure et cetera et cetera, I assume, I mean, she isn't just starting off her career at her age now is she?

She's your wife, and you have a right to be offended if her male partners get out of hand. I am the rare one who doesn't hide behind the whole partner comraderie brother in arms crap to hide offensive behavior. If she can't tell her partners that they need to cool it and remain their friends, then plain and simple she needs to find new friends.

Being an EMT can be a wonderful experience for a lot of people, but it cna alos cause a lot of problems. She needs to respect your feelings about this issue, and she needs to pass that on to her partners.

I'm sure she wouldn't appreciate it very much if you bought a Harley and started hanging out with some teeny boppers, and quite frankly her behavior isn't much different.

Yes, EMS providers do tend to joke around with each other about things that could be offensive to other people. After you've done a few 12 leads on 86 year olds with your partner, modesty kinda goes out the window. But that doesn't excuse common decency and respect for the people you love's feelings don't matter anymore. I know many partners who joke with each other and its really completely innocent, and I also know quite a few scumbags who work in EMS who will go to what ever level they are allowed.

If you maybe want to elaborate on exactly what is offending you, it coudd help. Good luck.

[Just Plain Ruff]

I cannot add to this post as everything I would have said was said in the last couple of posts.

Good luck

Asys is pretty approachable in my opinion - I'd send him a pm and discuss more.

[Medic253]

I can see your point on what is going on. What do you do for a living and what does it entail? As for your wife this should be a discussion that you have with her. If it makes you uncomfortable then tell her. As for the hours it comes with the job, mandatory overtime happens and sometimes you can’t control it. It’s your turn it’s your turn. As for the weather well somebody’s got to be out there taking care of people when they are sick and need assistance and you just have to be smart about it. Ok that is the little stuff. Now for the bigger thing that I think is bothering you the most. As for the male and female partner thing it happens and do you have a problem trusting your wife or are you insecure about yourself? I mean if you trust her there should be no problems. Yes, I know the conversations can get a little raunchy at times but if she does not say anything or you do not say anything to her there can be nothing done and it is assumed that this behavior will be tolerated. Also remember that humor is a defensive mechanism for dealing with stress. You need to talk to her about it!!!!

[Katiebug]

My suggestion to anyone is"would you do this or say in front of your mate ?" .. if not it is probably inappropriate. Equal is only fair, and she should be respectful, the same as you would be.

R/R 911

Brilliant. How many marriages would be saved if everyone took this advice? I love it. Good insight Rid.

[medik8]

AVVN: In answer to your question... I don't mean to discourage you when I say that most relationships in this business do not make it. Mine didn't. However, I will say that a lot of this can be prevented. As Rid and others have said, counseling is a start. Ignoring it won't help either of you. You both have to be open minded and willing to communicate well with each other. That is the key.

Now, I will tell you, restricting her or telling her that she can't do this for a living WILL NOT help your marriage. You will most likely lose. This job almost becomes an addiction to most people. Once it is in your blood...you can't ditch it easily. Being supportive and trying to understand it is a better option, along with working on your relationship and strengthening your relationship. She will love you ten times as much if you support her and work with her instead of working against her. Trust me on this. That way, you can have a great relationship and she is happy all at the same time. Then, everyone wins. If you would ever succeed in getting her to quit, you may feel better, but she will resent it, and you. Hence, you lose anyway...

As far as partners go...Imagine this...You are in some of the worst situations that you could ever be in in your life. People dying, bad scenes, trauma, emotional situations, situations needing support, and the only person you have is the person next to you. You go through all of this together. They become (and don't take this the wrong way) almost LIKE a spouse, of sorts. My partner and I are VERY close. Yes, he is a guy. We have each other's backs 24/7. Has anything intimate ever happened between us? No. Would it or could it? I suppose...but I won't go there. I refuse to date people I work with....EVER. You have to try to trust your wife. I'm sure some girls would play on this, and there are many situations where they do, but if you have a strong marriage and/or relationship at home, it's not going to happen. Please don't mistake her being close to these guys as unfaithfulness. It's a world that I cannot explain, but it's as close as you can get to someone, in a lot of cases, without the marriage. That's not meant to upset you....I'm just trying to be honest. It's like working with your best friend. Not for everyone, but in a lot of cases. And, even if you aren't very fond of your partner, you are still close in a lot of ways. Also, the relationship between us and our partner is important for patient care, etc. When you work together on things that serious, you begin to think alike, complete each other's thoughts, etc. In fact, when it's good it's very good. My partner and I rarely talk on a call...I go to grab for something and it's in his hand 2 inches from me. I go to ask him to do something and it's already done or in progress. It's a great thing...

As far as the joking...well...that's just part of the firehouse/station atmosphere. It's fun, good camaraderie....just a good time. We play jokes on each other, annoy each other, talk about not-so-pleasant things..you get to know everyone's habits, good and bad, pleasant AND gross...unfortunately. The best way I can describe it is, it's like family. You live and work with these people a good part of your life. Family indeed...

Work this out with her, talk to her... The main reason marriages fail is because the spouse fails to try to understand the job and the hours/mentality/etc., then the other spouse resents it and it just goes south from there. You CAN both be happy and have the best of both worlds. It just takes good, strong, old-fashioned love and commitment. You will have a happy marriage and a happy wife. Remember...she married you first. Don't give up. Talk to her, but don't be demanding and overbearing. Explain that you worry about her, but don't try to exercise control and tell her that you won't let her do it. Have a good heart to heart and choose your words carefully. Explain your concerns out of love and not anger and jealousy. Nagging DOES NOT work. If she loves this job and is committed to it like most of us, it will only drive her further away...

By asking all these questions, you are showing that you care and want to understand. That is the first step...and I'm proud of you for coming to us to ask for help and advice...

Best of luck to you...

xoxoxo :wink:

Luv, 8