new here, can anyone relate or offer advice?

[#1medicswife]

I've been living with my medic for 3 months, I'm still getting use to his hours. We just moved to MS from IN. Back home it seemed like things were slower and we'd have more time together. Down here he works 12 hr shifts nearly 7 days a week. When he is home, he's asleep. I see him maybe 2 hours a day and most of that time is grabbing a quick bite to eat, then he showers and is off to work. He occasionally calls when things get slow at work, but it's usually after 1am. I don't want to seem selfish, but I do want to spend more time with him. We're only down here for a year then we have the option of staying or moving to another state. On the off chance he gets a day off, he spends it catching up on sleep. I try to keep the house quiet, but with a (near) 3 y/o daughter, things are not quiet. I often feel like I'm raising her by myself. Not to mention the hurrricane BS. If one happens to hit, the kiddo and I have to evacuate while he has to stay here and work EMS. WTF? I know he likes the job and I can relate to others who get a little jealous when their s/o is working with a partner of the opposite sex. Sorry for rambling, just tired and frustrated. When we first came down here, we went to the beach, went out for lunch...we did stuff. Now we're lucky to get to the store to get milk without fighting about getting him out of bed. So ready to scream!!!!!!!

[Ridryder 911]

welcome to health care.. I hear this with physicians spouses as well.. at least you do see him. Seriously, maybe he can arrange some time off for the both of you to spend some quality time. Although I am sure the might be nagging him and he is the new guy.. he will have to say a couple of letters to change things.... No...- I can't work. It is hard to do, but if he is not careful he will be burned out physically and emotionally.

It sounds like he was a medic before you met him, so being supportive mate is very nice I hope he appreciates that. Many would not be so supportive. As well, remember that as a new guy, he is probably trying to get build up some time and experience, as well as some cash. I suggest writing a letter with your thoughts and describing how much you miss him.. ( worded nicely). since he is tired, attempting to discuss this with him might be misinterpreted as nagging. This way he can read it possibly on some down time. If this does not work, then I would discuss this one on one.

I realize by being a medic and had been married to one as well, it can be very difficult at times..

Good luck,

R/r 911

[itku2er]

Well #1......this is the world of EMS....people dont get sick or need help on a scheduled 9-5 basis. You need to realize this is his job and one that you are either gonna support 110% or walk away from.....you arent in EMS yourself are you?.... He is he new kid on the block there right?...This means like everywhere else no matter what job you are doing you have to prove yourself to the people there....and this allows you the benefits of the days off the pick of shifts and things like that....we all have to pay our dues on that one....it isnt an easy ride......just support him and be patient the rest will fall into place....most things do if you give them enough time to do it..and above all sacrifice is the biggest ......

Terri

[medik8]

Unfortunately, there is no easy way to answer this without sounding a little harsh. EMS relationships are the hardest and the most challenging (right up there with cops and doctors, etc...) Our passion and desire...near obsession...with this job is not able to be summed up to you in simple terms. I no longer have relationships because of what I love to do. This is my career...my life... I'm not willing to change it. I know that sounds selfish...but helping people is what I was intended to do. The sense of happiness, calm, peacefulness, fulfillment, etc...that I get from my job is the best feeling in the world. I certainly do not do it for the money. :roll: Unfortunately, you cannot just jump into this business and make it. You have to work (hard) for what you want. You have to prove yourself. You have to prove you are one of the best to climb even further. This job takes control, consumes you and leaves you wanting more and more and more...

I can almost tell you firsthand without even knowing you or him that he DOES care about you and his family and DOES love you. It's not his intention to ignore you, or to be crabby, or extra tired. It's not an easy job. It sounds like you are wonderful and supportive thus far; although your frustration is obvious, and for good reason.

The only advice I can give you is this. You have to be honest with yourself and ask yourself some very important questions. Can I continue to do this? Can I stay supportive and will I continue to love him; or am I going to resent this? There is no in-between. You are going to have to find time for the two of you to sit down. As Rid suggested....maybe write him a letter (nicely) and explain that you NEED him to find time to speak to you. Explain how you feel in a non-threatening way (keeping in mind that your goal is to get his attention, not to push him away). Come to an understanding...talk this over. It will not go away, and it will not get better. If you are having these feelings now...they are only going to get worse. Please talk to him if you love him and decide if you can continue to support his career.

Sadly, most marriages and relationships in this business DO NOT survive. It is against the odds. You have to want it to work and unfortunately, it does involve a lot of sacrifice on the other spouses part. And, it doesn't help much if your partner is in EMS also. In those situations, your spouse may understand what you do better, and may understand your feelings, but often you end up working different 24 hour shifts and you see each other even less than you did if you had different careers.

I wish you the best of luck. It's not an easy situation. I've lost many relationships because of what I do. However, my calling to do this work is what it is. I can't change how I feel. I'm hooked...and yeah...I'm lonely sometimes...but I'm happy and I love my job. Given another chance...I'd do it all over again and again.

Hang in there...

xoxoxo :wink:

Love, 8

[#1medicswife]

Thanks to all for your advice, and it was not harsh. I do love him and I do support him for his passion to do his job. I myself,am not in EMS. I am getting my ABS degree in Early Childhood Ed and will work with Special needs children, so I too have the desire to help people, only in a different manner. I understand the medical stuff quite well. I raised a child with Battens Disease (until his recent death) and know some of the stress involved with our many hospital stays, feeding pumps, IVs, etc. It's not for everyone and I understand that. I will do as you suggested and write him a (nice) letter. I know for a fact he's building up time off and cash, etc. I'm not really worried about the two of us right now. No matter how tired he is when he comes in in the mornings, we go for a walk by ourselves even if only for half an hour. I'm more worried about my daughter. I don't want her to ever feel like he's neglecting her. When she gets up in the morning, all she wants is to see him and i have to keep her out of the bedroom so he can sleep. He does have 3 days off soona dn we're taking a road trip, a mini vacation so to speak, until he can request some time off. I do understand that people don't get ill on a 9-5 basis. Where we live, I hear the sirens all day and at all hours, and when my son was alive, I lived it firsthand....he was sick at all hours.

My medic was burned out at home, that's why we moved down here. He was working several 24 hour shifts a week and hardly had time off. Granted he doesn't get much time off down here yet, but he is more satisifed with the work. Down here he keeps fairly busy and although it does wear him out, he loves it. Back home he'd go for hours without anything to do and be bored...hince his infamous 2am phone calls to me.! LOL! He does try to call as often as he can now when things get slow. And I've told him not to call until he gets his run reports finished and the truck back into order. I understand his work comes first and I have NO problem with that. If I don't hear from him until he's on his way back home, that's okay with me. I know he's not ignoring me, he's just busy.

I do appreciate y'all that are in EMS. After raising a terminally ill child for nearly 8 years,I had to rely on EMS services quite often. I do admire y'all for what you do, the passion you have and care you give to others.

All my love! XOXOXOXOX

[emtnerd]

I feel your pain.

My man is a cop.

He usually works nights and I work days. A lot of the time we see eachother for a couple hours or not for a few days at a time. We also have two small boys together (4 and 6 y/o). The key, I've found, to time together is to make the most of the little things. Sometimes a nice cuddle in bed is good or a family dinner. We try and do the kill two birds with one stone thing....family time and our time together, like taking the kids to the park and chatting together while they play or a pizza picnic in front of a family movie.

Best of luck to ya girl!!

[uglymedic]

I am by no means knocking anyone who is extremly enthusiastic about this career but relationships are a give and take thing, two way street, etc.

EMS was not the sole reason for my divorce, but it sure was a contributor. I understand your mate's dedication to the job but, just as we take care of perfect strangers, we must take care of ourselves and our loved ones as well. Sometimes this means telling the shift sup. "No, I can't work extra tonight." or, "No, I can't work Friday, I'm going on a date with my wife/daughter/son/friend". You don't even owe them an excuse. "No" should suffice.

I showed my family then that my love for them was me working my *ss off and "bringing home the bacon" so they could have a nice house, car, food, etc. Well, it did nothing more than make me not at home to see my kids first steps, hear their first word, miss their Christmas plays, and their parent teacher conferences. I pored my heart and soul into this job and got nothing but an ex-wife and every other week custody and child support. Oh, and my employer didn't give a rat's *ss about how much I worked either.

Now, with my new wife, I turn down some of the extra shifts so I can be home with my family. So I can take out the garbage instead of my wife having to do it because I'm not home. I've seen my new daughter roll over, take her first steps, and can understand her speaking because I'm around her enough. And, I'm there for my wife so she doesn't feel alone all the time.

Yes, I love my profession. I love the people I work with. I like the patients I care for. I also love my family and don't want to lose them and hate my career because I blame it for my loss.

I've been told by my very beautiful and loving wife on occasion to take a day off or turn down an extra shift because her and the kids miss me. I didn't get mad. It makes me feel good to know that I'm missed and needed.

Yes, EMS is a career, and I'm very lucky that I love it. Your JOB is NOT your life. You will not die if you don't take that shift. Any (decent) employer won't fire you for not holding over for a few hours. The shift will get covered, people will respond to calls and you don't have to be there.

It takes a lot to be married to an EMS worker, a firefighter, or a police officer. Think about what they go through too. Especially after 9/11, cop killers, random shootings, watching Ladder 49, or the latest Nickleback video (which made my wife cry and hate the fact that I'm a firefighter).

Would I do it all again? Well, I'd still dump the ex, but I'd be there more for my kids.

Peace and love,

ug

[firescapes]

Hey ! How are you/ I haven't been online since the beginning of last month...I am a Retired fire Captain City of Toronto Canada....I feel for you because I can fully relate to your concerns after serving twenty five years in the big City (Busy busy!!)My wife went through alot of what you descibe...fortunately we are still together after my crazy career. They give awards to Firefighter & Ems workers and the like....I believe you guys should all get awards ...being or having a partner on the job deserves an award on its own merit....you gals put up with so much...from me to you I thank you!! All I can offer you is talk to him...tell him how you feel....if he wants to contact me I'd be more than happy to talk with him and let him know what I have learned from this end of the career.Hang in there God Blees...Regards...Paul

[Asysin2leads]

My question is that he seems to work an excessive amount of hours. 12 hours a day 7 days a week would strain any relationship, whether its a paramedic or a CEO. Is there a reason he works so many hours? Do you need overtime that badly? If the answer is yes, my advice is to prioritize your expenses. There are a lot of things in life we can do without, and in my opinion, having a simple life with time off here and there with the people you care about is better than wrecking yourself and your family to have some shiny things.

[little_red_EMT_chick]

I too am in a situation that I created unknowing to myself and un seeing for that matter. I agree with everyone here about give and take and dedication to the job. Thanks for all the responses because even though I didn't ask the question i had a very similar one in my heart. My BF is not in emergency services and doesn't like the fact that at time I must leave my son with him in the early morning hours to go to work..... long story short he doesn't do well with kids and well I don't make enough to make it worth while to him anyway.....

Well enough rambling of my own.

Thanks for the honest answers from all!