Glasgow olympic bid

[andymascall]

GLASGOW OLYMPICS

In an attempt to influence the members of the International Olympic Committee on their choice of venue for the games in the year 2012, the organisers of Glasgow's bid have already drawn up an itinery and schedule of events. Here is the leaked copy.

OPENING CEREMONY

The olympic flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the city (preferably from govan), wearing the traditional balaclava. The flame will be contained in a large chip van situated in the roof of the stadium.

THE EVENTS

In previous Olympic games, Glasgow's competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local Glasgow athletes.

100 METRES SPRINT

Competitors will hold a video recorder and microwave oven (one under each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.

100 METRES HURDLES

As above but with added obstacles (ie: car bonnets, hedges,gardens,fences,walls etc.)

HAMMER

Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use (claw,sledge etc) the winner will be the one who can cause the most greivous bodily harm to members of the public within the time allowed.

FENCING

Entrants will be asked to dispose of as much stolen silver and jewellery as possible in 5 mins.

SHOOTING

A strong challenge is expected from the local men in this event. The first target will be a moving police van. In the 2nd round, competitors will aim at a post office clerk, bank teller or securicor style wages delivery man.

BOXING

Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 litres of El Dorado or Buckfast while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence.

CYCLING TIME TRIALS

Competitors will be asked to break into university bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy from the country on his first trip away from home. All against the clock.

CYCLING PURSUIT

As above but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft.

MODERN PENTATHLON

Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joy riding and arson.

THE MARATHON

A safe route has yet to be decided, but competitors will be issued with sharp sticks and bags with which to pick up litter on their way round the course.

SWIMMING

Competitors will be thrown off the bridge over the Clyde. The first three survivors back will decide the medals.

MENS 50KM WALK

Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the police cannot guarantee the safety of any one walking that distance through the streets of Glasgow.

THE CLOSING CEREMONY

Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of Govan health in the community anti drug campaigners, synchronised rock throwing and music by the police masons choir. The Olympic flame will be extinguished by someone dropping an old washing machine onto it from the top floor of the flats next to the stadium. The stadium will then be boarded up before the local athletes break into it and remove all the copper piping, the central heating boiler and the satelite dish.

[TechMedic05]

Wow.

Where do I sign up?

[PRPGfirerescuetech]

GLASGOW OLYMPICS

In an attempt to influence the members of the International Olympic Committee on their choice of venue for the games in the year 2012, the organisers of Glasgow's bid have already drawn up an itinery and schedule of events. Here is the leaked copy.

OPENING CEREMONY

The olympic flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the city (preferably from govan), wearing the traditional balaclava. The flame will be contained in a large chip van situated in the roof of the stadium.

THE EVENTS

In previous Olympic games, Glasgow's competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local Glasgow athletes.

100 METRES SPRINT

Competitors will hold a video recorder and microwave oven (one under each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.

100 METRES HURDLES

As above but with added obstacles (ie: car bonnets, hedges,gardens,fences,walls etc.)

HAMMER

Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use (claw,sledge etc) the winner will be the one who can cause the most greivous bodily harm to members of the public within the time allowed.

FENCING

Entrants will be asked to dispose of as much stolen silver and jewellery as possible in 5 mins.

SHOOTING

A strong challenge is expected from the local men in this event. The first target will be a moving police van. In the 2nd round, competitors will aim at a post office clerk, bank teller or securicor style wages delivery man.

BOXING

Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 litres of El Dorado or Buckfast while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence.

CYCLING TIME TRIALS

Competitors will be asked to break into university bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy from the country on his first trip away from home. All against the clock.

CYCLING PURSUIT

As above but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft.

MODERN PENTATHLON

Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joy riding and arson.

THE MARATHON

A safe route has yet to be decided, but competitors will be issued with sharp sticks and bags with which to pick up litter on their way round the course.

SWIMMING

Competitors will be thrown off the bridge over the Clyde. The first three survivors back will decide the medals.

MENS 50KM WALK

Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the police cannot guarantee the safety of any one walking that distance through the streets of Glasgow.

THE CLOSING CEREMONY

Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of Govan health in the community anti drug campaigners, synchronised rock throwing and music by the police masons choir. The Olympic flame will be extinguished by someone dropping an old washing machine onto it from the top floor of the flats next to the stadium. The stadium will then be boarded up before the local athletes break into it and remove all the copper piping, the central heating boiler and the satelite dish.

Sure you don't mean the Compton olympics?

[JPINFV]

I give these games a GCS of 3...

Little known fact. Chuck Norris once got a GCS of 16...

/obligatory Chuck Norris joke

[Scaramedic]

I give these games a GCS of 3...

Little known fact. Chuck Norris once got a GCS of 16...

/obligatory Chuck Norris joke

Another little known Chucktoid, when he was born his APGAR was 12. He got 2 extra points for kicking the Dr's ass after he smacked Chuck on the butt. :shock:

Peace,

Marty

:joker:

[Rezq304]

Another little known Chucktoid, when he was born his APGAR was 12. He got 2 extra points for kicking the Dr's ass after he smacked Chuck on the butt. :shock:

Peace,

Marty

:joker:

[TechMedic05]

Another little known Chucktoid, when he was born his APGAR was 12. He got 2 extra points for kicking the Dr's ass after he smacked Chuck on the butt. :shock:

Peace,

Marty

:joker:

Oh my Gawd, that's too much. :roll:

But don't let Chuck hear that from me... :wink: