One sided humor

[windsong]

A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of seniors down a highway,

when a little old lady taps him on his shoulder.

She offers him a handful of almonds, which he gratefully munches up.

After approximately 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again

and she hands him another handful of almonds.

She repeats this gesture about eight times.

He asks her why they do not eat almonds themselves.

Whereupon she replies that it is not possible because of their old teeth.

They are not able to chew them.

"Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled.

The old lady answers: "We just love the chocolate around them."

_________________________________________________________________

A flushable toilet brush warning "Do not use for personal hygiene"

has been named the world's wackiest warning label of 2005.

The annual Wacky Warning Label Contest, now in its eighth year, is

conducted by Michigan Lawsuit Abuse Watch and draws hundreds

of entries from around the world.

The toilet brush label was found by Ed Gyetvai, of Oldcastle, Ontario.

He receives $500 and a copy of the book, "The Death of Common

Sense" by Philip K. Howard.

The $250 second place award went to Matt Johnson of Naperville, Ill.,

for a label on a scooter for children that warns: "This product

moves when used."

Third place and $100 went to Ann Marie Taylor of Camden, S.C., who

found the following warning digital thermometer that can be used to

take a person's temperature several different ways: "Once used rectally,

the thermometer should not be used orally."

___________________________________________________________________

I'm not a shameful person so im passing it on...

so why dont you?

New Pledge of Allegiance!

Keep this going..

Since the Pledge of Allegiance

and

The Lord's Prayer

are not allowed in most

public schools anymore

Because the word "God" is mentioned....

A kid in Arizona wrote the attached

NEW

School

prayer.

I liked it....

Now I sit me down in school

Where praying is against the rule

For this great nation under God

Finds mention of Him very odd.

If Scripture now the class recites,

It violates the Bill of Rights.

And anytime my head I bow

Becomes a Federal matter now.

Our hair can be purple, orange or green,

That's no offense; it's a freedom scene.

The law is specific, the law is precise.

Prayers spoken aloud are a serious vice.

For praying in a public hall

Might offend someone with no faith at all.

In silence alone we must meditate,

God's name is prohibited by the state.

We're allowed to cuss and dress like freaks,

And pierce our noses, tongues and cheeks.

They've outlawed guns, but FIRST the Bible.

To quote the Good Book makes me liable.

We can elect a pregnant Senior Queen,

And the 'unwed daddy,' our Senior King.

It's "inappropriate" to teach right from wrong,

We're taught that such "judgments" do not belong.

We can get our condoms and birth controls,

Study witchcraft, vampires and totem poles.

But the Ten Commandments are not allowed,

No word of God must reach this crowd.

It's scary here I must confess,

When chaos reigns the school's a mess.

So, Lord, this silent plea I make:

Should I be shot; My soul please take!

Amen

__________________________________________________

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of

the rascally behavior that was going on. So he called one

of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.

When he returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on

Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not."

God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better

send down a second angel to get another opinion." So

God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a

time too.

When the angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes,

it's true. The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving,

but 5% are being good."

God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5%

that were good, because He wanted to encourage them,

to give them a little something to help them keep going.

**Do you know what the e-mail said?**

No?

?

?

?

?

Okay, just wondering; I didn't get one either.

___________________________________________

AFTER A FEW OF THE USUAL SUNDAY EVENING HYMNS,

THE CHURCH'S PASTOR SLOWLY STOOD UP,

WALKED OVER TO THE PULPIT AND,

BEFORE HE GAVE HIS SERMON FOR THE EVENING,

BRIEFLY INTRODUCED A GUEST MINISTER

WHO WAS IN THE SERVICE THAT EVENING.

IN THE INTRODUCTION, THE PASTOR TOLD THE

CONGREGATION THAT THE GUEST MINISTER WAS

ONE OF HIS DEAREST CHILDHOOD FRIENDS AND

THAT HE WANTED HIM TO HAVE A FEW MOMENTS

TO GREET THE CHURCH AND SHARE WHATEVER

HE FELT WOULD BE APPROPRIATE FOR THE SERVICE.

WITH THAT, AN ELDERLY MAN STEPPED UP TO THE

PULPIT AND BEGAN TO SPEAK.

"A FATHER, HIS SON, AND A FRIEND OF HIS SON WERE

SAILING OFF THE PACIFIC COAST." HE BEGAN.

"WHEN A FAST APPROACHING STORM BLOCKED ANY

ATTEMPT TO GET BACK TO THE SHORE.

THE WAVES WERE SO HIGH, THAT EVEN THOUGH THE

FATHER WAS AN EXPERIENCED SAILOR, HE COULD NOT

KEEP THE BOAT UPRIGHT AND THE THREE WERE SWEPT

INTO THE OCEAN AS THE BOAT CAPSIZED."

THE OLD MAN HESITATED FOR A MOMENT,

MAKING EYE CONTACT WITH TWO TEENAGERS WHO WERE,

FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE THE SERVICE BEGAN,

LOOKING SOMEWHAT INTERESTED IN HIS STORY.

THE AGED MINISTER CONTINUED WITH HIS STORY,

"GRABBING A RESCUE LINE, THE FATHER HAD TO MAKE THE

MOST EXCRUCIATING DECISION OF HIS LIFE: TO WHICH BOY

WOULD HE THROW THE OTHER END OF THE LIFE LINE.

HE ONLY HAD SECONDS TO MAKE THE DECISION.

THE FATHER KNEW THAT HIS SON WAS A CHRISTIAN AND

HE, ALSO, KNEW THAT HIS SON'S FRIEND WAS NOT.

THE AGONY OF HIS DECISION COULD NOT BE MATCHED BY

THE TORRENT OF WAVES.

AS THE FATHER YELLED OUT, 'I LOVE YOU, SON!'

HE THREW OUT THE LIFE LINE TO HIS SON'S FRIEND.

BY THE TIME THE FATHER HAD PULLED THE FRIEND BACK

TO THE CAPSIZED BOAT, HIS SON HAD DISAPPEARED BENEATH

THE RAGING SWELLS INTO THE BLACK OF NIGHT.

HIS BODY WAS NEVER RECOVERED.

BY THIS TIME, THE TWO TEENAGERS WERE SITTING UP

STRAIGHT IN THE PEW, ANXIOUSLY WAITING FOR THE NEXT

WORDS TO COME OUT OF THE OLD MINISTER'S MOUTH.

"THE FATHER," HE CONTINUED, "KNEW HIS SON WOULD

STEP INTO ETERNITY WITH JESUS AND HE COULD NOT

BEAR THE THOUGHT OF HIS SON'S FRIEND STEPPING INTO

AN ETERNITY WITHOUT JESUS.. THEREFORE, HE SACRIFICED

HIS SON TO SAVE THE SON'S FRIEND. "

HOW GREAT IS THE LOVE OF GOD THAT HE SHOULD DO THE

SAME FOR US. OUR HEAVENLY FATHER SACRIFICED HIS ONLY

BEGOTTEN SON THAT WE COULD BE SAVED. I URGE YOU TO

ACCEPT HIS OFFER TO RESCUE YOU AND TAKE A HOLD OF THE

LIFE LINE HE IS THROWING OUT TO YOU IN THIS SERVICE."

WITH THAT, THE OLD MAN TURNED AND SAT BACK DOWN IN

HIS CHAIR AS SILENCE FILLED THE ROOM.

THE PASTOR AGAIN WALKED SLOWLY TO THE PULPIT AND

DELIVERED A BRIEF SERMON WITH AN INVITATION AT THE

END. HOWEVER, NO ONE RESPONDED TO THE APPEAL.

WITHIN MINUTES AFTER THE SERVICE ENDED, THE TWO

TEENAGERS WERE AT THE OLD MAN'S SIDE.

"THAT WAS A NICE STORY," POLITELY STATED ONE OF

THEM, "BUT I DON'T THINK IT WAS VERY REALISTIC FOR A

FATHER TO GIVE UP HIS ONLY SON'S LIFE IN HOPES THAT

THE OTHER BOY WOULD BECOME A CHRISTIAN."

"WELL, YOU'VE GOT A POINT THERE," THE OLD MAN REPLIED>

GLANCING DOWN AT HIS WORN BIBLE. A BIG SMILE BROADENED

HIS NARROW FACE. HE ONCE AGAIN LOOKED UP AT THE BOYS

AND SAID, "IT SURE ISN'T VERY REALISTIC, IS IT? BUT,

I'M STANDING HERE TODAY TO TELL YOU THAT STORY GIVES

ME A GLIMPSE OF WHAT IT MUST HAVE BEEN LIKE FOR GOD

TO GIVE UP HIS SON FOR ME. YOU SEE...

I WAS THAT FATHER AND YOUR PASTOR IS MY SON'S FRIEND."

_____________________________________________________________

[windsong]

Now since there is NO GOD SECTION; I added that because some of it seemed kinda humorous to me

[sum1_2]

I like the new pledge of Allegiance, Its so true. the world is messed up.

[nysmedic]

Yes, This world is messed up, but it is great to know that we have been giving a free gift in Jesus Christ, that when we leave this world we can have eternal life.

[emtpsaveu911]

Amen!