when work carries over into more?

[27]

My significant other is an EMT who works long hours away from our family. I work strange hours as well and I've found several instant messages and phone calls on their phone while I'm at work....I found them while borrowing the phone to call someone. They are from a coworker who seems to be looking for more than just a shoulder to cry on. I don't want to sound like the insecure spouse, but how do you draw the line between helping a co-worker and hurting a marriage?

[Guest]

With me being in EMS for many years 9 to be exact. I was single for many of those years. Then I got married to someone that was not in EMS. It is hard for my husband to understand that I work with mostly men. So what I have done was invited my husband to dinner while working so he was able to meet my co-workers. This has helped. I do have some that I feel I am close to. But they are like my brothers. Some one else to look after me. If you have a strong marriage you have nothing to worry about. I feel that if someone is able to come between you and your spouse then there was something going on there long time before this other person.

In EMS we do spend alot of time with the ones we work with. Before jumping to accusations... Take time to talk to your spouse maybe there is something that you can help with.

[Richard B the EMT]

I am posting this as food for thought, only, and am not implying anything towards anybody on this panel.

Over a decade ago, a couple from a VAC, both EMTs, got married. One of them, the female, went to work for the municipal EMS. Her husband, while remaining in the VAC (both continued there), worked in another line of gainful employment.

The female and her male EMS partner were robbed at gunpoint, by a gang that was stealing the EMS radios to convert them to a different frequency for their own use. They were not the only EMS team that had fallen victim to these robbers, but they were the only male/female team victimized, the others were either male/male or female/female.

(The robbers would call in a phony low priority call, that they knew the LEOs would not be assigned to, just EMS, and would have the EMS teams respond to various addresses in apartment buildings in unoccupied apartments. When EMS didn't get an answer at the door, under protocols in place at that time, they'd simply leave, and report "no answer to the door" to dispatch)

The psychological impact of the incident drew the EMS team too close together (critical incident stress syndrome?), and they started having an affair, resulting in pregnancy, and the dissolution of her marriage (to the male VAC EMT).

I am uncertain of facts here, as to whether the male EMS EMT was married at the time, or not.

The 2 municipal EMS EMTs did eventually get married, following her divorce from the VAC EMT. Both halves of the divorce left the VAC.

Nowadays, there is Critical Incident Stress Debriefing available to the members of the municipal EMS, as well as counseling for anything bothering any of the employees.

On a side note, I met my girlfriend (from 1989!) at my VAC. We're still together, but the VAC is gone.

[Woody76559]

My wife has gotten jealous at times over the years as well. Sometimes I have given her reason to, but not every situation is as it seems. When you're in this career, you spend a lot of time with your partner and a few things can happen.

1) You and your partner hate each other and never talk while off duty and sometimes not even on duty.

2) You and your partner become very close. This due to stress creating a common bond.

3) You and your partner become intimate. This happens. It's a reality, but not the only option.

A lot of partners share inside jokes. Jokes that may seem like something totally different. Also, it all depends on perspective. If you are concerned, then the best thing to do is address the issue. Letting it fester and boil will only make things worse. Talk with your spouse today. Not tomorrow or next week, but today. That way you will both be able to get it over and done with. I know I have always appreciated my wife letting me know what she thinks. May not always like it, but it makes things better and you can correct things before they get out of hand.

[medicwife]

Ugh. So btdt. But my suspisions aren't unfounded. We went thru a long period in our marriage where we were living for ourselves, and not our lives together. So now, I jump whenever he's spending too much time with the ladies......*which is one of the reasons I joined here* so we could find more common ground. Hopefully. And while our marriage is not as strong as I'd like, I think its still worth working on. And I'm going to do everything I can to make sure it doesn't go awry.

maybe I should add stay away from my man as my siggy? LOL

[streetsweeper]

Well many years ago our service hired the first female. The single guys loved the idea. The married guys were nervous about it. I remember one guy was totally against the idea. I wondered why, because he seemed like a nice guy. It wasn't long that I soon realized what the problem was.,, when I meet his wife. She was outraged by it. He would try to get the rest of us to jump on the band wagon. So one day I simply said to him. Your problem is not with the new girl, its with your wife. I said its simple, if you love your job than grow a bigger set of balls and tell your wife if she enjoys going shopping and getting her $60.00 nail jobs,, than she better learn to accept it.

Not to mention the female could lift,,, he wasn't worth a crap.

Although you do spend some strange long hours with different partners. Does it matter? You can easily have an affair with the girl at the coffee shop, that you see every night during your few breaks.

You either have trust and are secure in your relationship or you don't... Its that simple.

Oh, now we have many female employees and no problems.

[medic429]

I think if you're not in EMS it's hard to understand...I know I'd have a hard time understanding the "relationship" between partners.....

Most of my partners have been male. I prefer that. We joke around, have beers together, call if we need to. Some are married, engaged, and some are single....we are friends and partners and that's it. I do believe that it's a different kind of relationship than you'll see anywhere else because you DEPEND on your parnter in sometimes very high stress situations...not like you're asking them to make a copy for you, or run some proposal to the next office. You need to trust them with lifting, driving (sometimes is horrible conditions), and doing what you need them to do.

I don't know if I got my point across the way I wanted to....but if YOU have a problem, then you NEED to discuss it-openly and honestly-or it will fester...and that can't be good.

Good luck.

[amethystemt]

You'd think it would be easier being married to somebody that used to be a volunteer firefighter, and that will be again soon. One would think that they would understand, but no.... of course not. My husband is jealous because he thinks I spend more time with my partner than I do with him. It's not my fault that we're scheduled together 24hrs a week. The other 16 I'm by myself. My husband's entire family, and all of our friends are in fire service. We all talk about the crap we deal with, and even discuss the relationships we have with those that we work with most closely. We've all come to rely on those people to keep us sane, and we do the same for them. My husband is the only one that doesn't understand that, and he's been there.

[emswife]

I think you and your husband need to discuss the reasons he is so uncomfortable with your partner. Him being in the business may actually be working against you if he has seen enough to make him worry (as we know it is not all that uncommon for male-female affairs in the work place). Maybe he saw something in his work that he is actually projecting onto you, maybe someone he knows has had an affair. I suggest that you get to the root of the problem before things gets out of control. Once he has confronted the reasons for his insecurity, hopefully he will calm down.

[MidwestMedic]

My wife has gotten jealous at times over the years as well. Sometimes I have given her reason to, but not every situation is as it seems. When you're in this career, you spend a lot of time with your partner and a few things can happen.

1) You and your partner hate each other and never talk while off duty and sometimes not even on duty.

2) You and your partner become very close. This due to stress creating a common bond.

3) You and your partner become intimate. This happens. It's a reality, but not the only option.

A lot of partners share inside jokes. Jokes that may seem like something totally different. Also, it all depends on perspective. If you are concerned, then the best thing to do is address the issue. Letting it fester and boil will only make things worse. Talk with your spouse today. Not tomorrow or next week, but today. That way you will both be able to get it over and done with. I know I have always appreciated my wife letting me know what she thinks. May not always like it, but it makes things better and you can correct things before they get out of hand.

I am not sure what I can add that was not in this post. My wife gets jealous of the hours I spend with my female coworker. It's something she is not used to dealing with becuase I have not been in EMS full-time for that long. But, I do hope it is something she will someday understand.