Being gay in EMS

[jon_ems_boi]

I know that i have had it very easy being an out gay male in this career. i work for a small service and they are all very excepting of my sexuality. I was just wondering if this was the norm or if i am the exception to the rule. And is it more difficult to be gay/lesbian on a fire department???

[emschick78]

I can't "really" relate because I am straight. However, I personally think it's a matter of personal preference and it's no big deal. I don't think sexual preference makes the person. Just incase you missed it in your search, I've posted the link to a thread that somewhat relates to your topic:

http://www.emtcity.com/phpBB2/viewtopic.php?t=7849

[Ridryder 911]

I believe we have discussed this topic (although maybe not directly) plenty. It is the person, that matters.. I may not agree with their lifestyle (as well they may not agree with mine) but, I have worked and been friends with many, although they know my personal feelings about their choice.

R/r 911

[Aggie EMT]

Before I begin, keep in mind that this post is relevent to my experience working in ems as a gay man; it is not about homosexuality in general. I hope this thread stays that way.

I work as an EMT in Texas, and I've been hesitant to do things like casually mention my partner (of five years now) - in the same way others refer to their spouses - or ask about insurance coverage for same sex partners. I haven't "come out" to anyone at work for several reasons, one of which will always stick out in my mind. It was one of my very first full time shift as an EMT when I was approached by a couple coworkers who were off duty. We struck up a conversation and talked about ourselves to get introduced to one another, but one of the first questions out of his mouth was, "You're not a FAG, are ya!?" (his emphasis). I was floored that I would be asked that by a coworker - at the station - while I was on duty. What was I supposed to say? Nowadays I would typically have a snappy comeback handy, but as a brand-spanking new employee, that sort of question is extremely inappropriate, and I didn't know what to say, so I lied. I also lied when they asked if I was married or seeing anybody. What if he had said, "You're not a NIGGER LOVER, are ya!?" or "You're not a JEW, are ya? ... what if he had said "You're not a CHRISTIAN, are ya?" I see no difference between any of those questions. (I am not prejudiced against anyone or any religion, sorry to have said graphic words, but remember that one day the "n" word was very socially acceptable.)

You know what's funny, as I sit typing this amongst my unknowing coworkers, one of them played a joke on the other. When he realised he was the butt of a joke, he said, "You fag!" to the other one. This was a supervisor who said that. Granted I work for a relatively small service, but this sort of lack of professionalism is a source of a LOT of stress for people who are at the receiving end of bigotry, even if the person saying the words doesn't mean to be rude.

Then again, I don't understand how "You're not a FAG, are ya!?" could be construed as NOT rude in the setting I was asked it.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I too am a gay EMT, and while I have been around others who have said or done questionable things that are blatantly said out of ignorance or intolerance (or perhaps their own repressed homosexuality?), it's not been too bad so far. I imagine that the macho fire fighters typically have a harder time with this issue.

[Chief1C]

I would say, you don't bring your work home; don't bring your private life to work. If they don't ask, you don't tell.

[Aggie EMT]

I would say, you don't bring your work home; don't bring your private life to work. If they don't ask, you don't tell.

The main problem with this rears its head at any time any coworker talks about their kids, or their fiancee, or their huge wedding they've been planning for months, or going out on vacation with their opposite-sexed partner. It's fine for YOU to bring it up, but as soon as I mention going to the beach with my partner, it's about me bringing my private life to work. Can you say double standard?

You say "if they don't ask, you don't tell." That sounds fine, except any time a discussion about personal lives comes up, it's an unspoken invitation for you to talk about similar experiences you've had, or your thoughts on the matter, etc. You don't have to come out and explicitly ask someone to talk about their personal life in order for the topic to come up.

I have a corollary for "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" for people like me who are afraid to come out at work. It's "Don't Ask, Don't Tell; If Asked, Lie." By following this addage I continue to be seen as someone acceptable to work with and associate with.

[Chief1C]

I usually don't talk about my personal life, and frankly don't pay attention to other peoples drama. If you do bring it out in the open, well then I guess you've got to be prepared for the ignorance or opinions of others and deal with it. Just don't rub it in anyones face. Three things I never want to talk about at work, Politics, Sex and Religion. They always end in someones feelings getting hurt.

[jon_ems_boi]

This is true. my mother always told me there are two things you never talk to your friends about... religion and politics. but who i fall in love with is neither of those things. no more than who you fall in love with is, however i think we are getting away from the topic. I was wanting to know what people would think if they had to have a GLBT ( gay , lesbian, bi sexual, transgenderd) partner... especially if you have to sleep in the same room with them while on call.

[akflightmedic]

Well, first of all, I have worked with many gay and lesbian partners and it has never been an issue.

They have never been one to hold back from me but I presume it is because I am pretty easygoing and openminded. I only had one partner try to hide it from me and it was because he did not realize I was ok with it. Once he did, his attitude and personality completely changed as he was able to relax and focus on his job instead of worrying about every little thing he may say or do that would "out" him. I can not imagine the stress and inner turmoil some of these people go through.

Having said that, I have NEVER had a partner hit on me nor have they described anything in such detail that it made me sick. They have never tried to "convert" me either. For the most part they are very professional and they talked no more about their personal lives than I did about mine.

I had partners that were in long term committed relationships and I have had young single partners. The ones in long term relationships, I had no problem asking when something was wrong. They were just like any other partner you may be working with. He would come in sad and it was obvious there was trouble at home. You help your partner out, make them smile again or feel better temporarily so the shift is not entirely shot by negative attitude. Yes, they have money troubles, small spats over who cleans what, or mistake something said out of context by their loved ones at home just like any other straight couple.

As for my single partners, some of them were hoes, plain and simple. But that is no different from any of the other younger guys or gals on the department. They go out several nights a week and they try to find "some fun". This is what single people do when they are lonely and looking. I had no problem asking "if they got some" in casual conversation to the ones I knew well enough to ask. It does not mean I was asking for scene by scene description but it did give opportunity for them to share a personal life slightly and bond with other co workers.

No matter which way you slice it, dont ask dont tell is the lamest policy out there. Just like a previous poster mentioned, it makes it impossible to have any type of casual conversation. The gay or lesbian person does not have to be throwing it in your face but if they mention one small detail, not even being a sexual comment, it immediately becomes a big issue. For someone to say they do not talk about personal life at work. I do not see how that is possible. When you live and work in the same station 24 hours every third day with the same partner or in my case the same 5 people, eventually you talk. You sit around and BS or out on a run some idle chatter creeps in. It can not always be about work otherwise that station is a very quiet and unesasy place to be.

As for working alongside these people or even "sleeping in the same room" with them, what is the big deal? I have never been raped or assaulted at work and I dont intend to be. Being gay or lesbian does not make you a pervert. Just like being gay does notmake you a pedophile though many people always try to draw that corelation.

Having worked with many different services, in many different states and parts of the world, I can say from my personal experience, being gay or lesbian is more accepted in strictly EMS services. The fire service is not very accomodating to gays, they still have a boys club mentality and refuse to believe a "pillow biter" could perform their job adequately. On the flip side of that, I have worked with several lesbian firefighters and they were all readily accepted. Huge double standard, I dont know why.

It sounds simple because I am not in this position, but I think the best policy is to be candid and address it immediately up front, new employee or not. BY saying, I just want you to know I am a gay man however please discontinue those comments in the future. I want you to judge me on who I am and by my actions on the job. After saying that, you have kept it professional, asked them to stop, and asked them to evaluate you based on performance.

[ladyemt51_2000]

One of my preceptors was gay. Best damn medic I have ever worked with. Everyone respected him and he knew his stuff. I have also worked with lesbians and have never felt any indifference towards them. They are who they are and I am who I am. I am just like that though, I guess, from always being the outcast in school, I am more sensitive to others feelings that in itself has made me very open and in touch with others. I know what it feels like to not be liked and I don't treat people like I was treated. Do unto others.....