Funniest EMS stories

[P_Instructor]

Perfect Medic vs. Nurse story....Working flight (rotorwing) shift with new flight nurse. All he wanted to do was be able to intubate someone. Tired of all the practice and wanted 'real' patient. Got request for scene flight with local service and information received was for 'cardiac arrest'. The nurse's eyes got big and very happily offered his services to intubate the patient in which I replied, "Hell, I don't care as long as it gets done". As the nurse was getting the airway equipment ready, I began thinking (as a paramedic would), how can I screw with him? We landed at the scene and exited the aircraft. Walking up to the ambulance that housed the patient, I realized this was my chance. I asked the nurse if they had the monitor in which their was this perflexed look of confusion on his face, realizing that he forgot to grab it. He immediately retraced his steps to the aircraft to get the needed equipment. As this was being done, I entered the ambulance via the side door and took airway control. As I was intubating the patient, the nurse opened the back door and viewed me now confirming proper placement with this astonished look on his face. Little did he realize (but which I knew) the service already had a monitor/defibrillator placed on the patient. My only words to him was............ROOKIE! He had never forgotten this incident and still shakes his head everytime there is the possibility of intubation. And you can bet I will never let him forget.

[dystorteddream]

This isn't one call in particular, but rather telling of a lovely frequent flyer we ran on constantly. I think the funniest time we ran on her (drunk homeless) is when we got called for a "man down" (which we knew was her based on the cross streets given) except there she was... flopping around on the front step of someone's house in the worst seizure impression ever. my partner and i, rolling our eyes, get out of the truck. My partner grabs the cot and i walk up to her. <insert name> what the hell are you doing? "heey baby!! I need to go to the hoshpitalll." I see that... but how about next time, don't knock on someone's door, tell them you're having a seizure and to call 911, and flop around on their porch "oh c'mooon baaabyyy... i just needs to go to the hoshpitaaalll"

My partner has the cot set up and with us now.

me- "alright <name> get on the cot, but remember... what's my rule"

pt- "oh c'mon baby... do i have to say it?"

me- "yes... what's my rule?"

pt- *heavy sigh* "don't piss on the cot"

me- "that's right! no peeing on the cot! now let's go"

Every. Damn. Time. While we're in the ER, about to transfer over to the hospital bed...

pt- "hey baby?"

me- *sigh* yes?

pt- "i pissed on the cot"

me- "yeah... i know. i can smell it"

pt- "i'm gonna stop drinking and i'll marry you and put you through medical school"

me- "that'll be wonderful <name> how about we do baby steps and get you over to the bed"

______________________________

I have to say, now that i've moved 1800 miles away, i do miss that patient, but mainly for the laughs. haha

[Richard B the EMT]

I just had to ask whose idea it was? She just smiled.

I just reread this one. It best illustrates the T-Shirt saying,

Don't do anything you don't want to explain to the EMTs and Paramedics.

[Medic438]

was on an interfacilty transfer with a intubated patient on the vent. Half way through the transfer i poked my head up front and told my EMT my patient was not breathing on his own. His face of 'holy shit' was epic!

[Bernhard]

Let's see. Last week I

• was mistaken for a towing service by a very confused young police officer at scene of a vehicle accident,
• was target of heavy flirting by a 89 year old woman at a nursing home, fallen out of bed, vomited, short of breath/possible aspiration - but instantly fell in love with me,
• rescued a cat from a tree (OK, this wasn't a real call, just spotted the cat in distress on a private walk).

We'll see what follows next week. 

[MedicNorth]

Hmmm - Middle of the night, cold, 2 feet of snow, called to a private residence for a "machete attack". Arrive on scene, trail of blood across the yard, up the steps, on the porch. More blood everywhere on the floor, follow the trail to the kitchen. Patient is sitting at the kitchen table, alert, holding several soaked tea towels to his head. Examination shows blood flowing freely from a 5 inch slash just above his left ear. We managed to control the bleeding quite effectively with dressings and pressure, wrapped it up.

Patient was ambulatory (tough cookie!), but hallway to the door he said he needed to go to the bathroom. We protested, but he said he would refuse to come if he wasn't allowed. Bleeding was controlled, alert and oriented, why not let the guy take a leak? He wandered into the bathroom, and closed the door - not locked. Two minutes later, the toilet flushed, the door opened, and he wandered out again, bleeding like a stuck pig even worse than when we arrived! Shocked, I asked what happened. He said "It was a BIG sh*t""

Never make assumptions, people! As you may have figured, he didn't take a leak. Odds are good that your trauma patient straining to take a dump will not improve things.

Edited November 1, 2015 by MedicNorth

[JTEMS]

Working in the ER. About 5 minutes before I my shift ends another patient comes into triage. I'm pissed because I'm the rookie EMT who has to do all the shitwork (and for a good reason. I needed to learn hands on) but I'm tired. So I decide not to leave my wonderful RN preceptor with this last pt. I grab the pt who is a 90 year old woman with her two daughters, and I'm writing down vitals when the one daughter slams her hands down on the desk and stares intensly at me. Extremely creeped out, I just tried to ignore it. This went on for about 15 seconds until I again awkwardly made eye contact and she exclaimed, "DAYUM BOY YOUS KINDA SEXY." At this point I probably had the most disgusted look on my face, which makes me feel terrible because no one ever gives me compliments. It took me a good ten seconds to reply to this.. Comment, and I the only thing I could think to say is "you uh, caught me off guard there." She continued on about how she was actually 60 years old and she likes to joke around, but "for real boy you be sexy as hell." to which the nurse replied, "Jake, didn't you say you were single?"

[ems*girl]

I was fairly new.  We were sitting around the station and i got up and went into the bathroom to do my business.  I hear sirens out side the station my partner yells out "hey Garcia!!! We have an mvc right out side the station!!!  Let's Go!!!" I bust out of that like Superman coming out of his phone booth. Everyone was standing there waiting and dying laughing.  I said" really y'all are as*h\+es I was pooping!! now I have to finish whipping." Lol

[ems*girl]

I had this partner that she was gay. Our area is made up of alot of mountains and hillbillies. We were told to turn up this (log road) then turn left go two miles and their house is on right hand side of the road and it is a white shed with a green roof they had turned into a home. Found out everyone one on that road lived in a white shedwith a green roof.  So about almost two miles we started stopping at anything that looked like a shed /house white with a green roof.  There was surprisingly a lot of them lol.  Dispatch asked if we are getting closer ( 30 min into our response time frantically looking for this house on the corner of BFE and boy you sure do got a prutty mouth) (my partner looked like a 15 year old boy so I wasn't too worried)Dispatch said pt was having increasly bad pain and said their kid will meet you at the road holding a red umbrella. We told dispatch OK and sped up hoping we didn't pass the house already. Then around 6 miles up on this log trail.  We spot this little fat kid on the hill in front of us, approx.age 10, whoopin the shit out of an umbrella. He was sweating and his belly hanging out under his shirt.  His little chubby face was red and mad. 

(My partner was driving)

I looked over at her and said " ummm I wonder if that is a RED umbrella? (this boy was whippin'it back and forth)

My partner: long pause and with a very calm voice and the shrug of her shoulder said "I am going to run him over. "

(I was dying laughing)I said "Noo.... don't do that":) 

I looked in the rear veiw mirror this little chubby kid was running behind the ambulance down the drive way, with the umbrella turned inside out behind him.

This was my partners turn to take the back.

 so we were headed back out to the main road.

She popped through the middle door(that devides the front and back of the ambulance) and said do you think you can drive alittle faster than 15 miles an hour.

(it smelled bad I guess not sure why)  

I said "why? she is hollerin' in pain at every bump"

My partner said "do know why? Her vagina has been hurting for the last week."

I asked "why? "

My partner said "the shit if I know"

I said "didn't you look?" 

She said "your sick!  D.R.I.V.E FASTER!!!"

 Me: I almost peed on my self  from laughing so hard  best call EVER! I miss her

[Richard B the EMT]

I'm sure I'm not the only EMT-Dispatcher who had this situation...

Caller says, "I'm at (Location).

Me: "What is going on that you need an ambulance?"

Caller: "I was shot!"

I enter the high priority call into the Computer Assisted Dispatch system, then ask: "Where were you shot?"

Caller: "Outside DaNang, 1969".